Monday, February 4, 2013

Boob Check





If you love the bewbies, the twins, the girls check em!  Have your lover check them.  Get intimate with the boobs!  Honk your hooters.  What ever it takes to get my sisters to start doing self checks, lets get it done!!!

This is my favorite commercial now, for ever!  :D

Monday, January 28, 2013

Whats in your box?

I love sexy toys... WHY?  Because they provide the user(s) additional stimulation and create an exploratory atmosphere, add a bit of fun into the coital mix, provide stimulation and can bring us close or to orgasm with ease.



Here are some handy dandy play things to keep on hand for your sex toy fun.  You can see there is a little bit of everything here!  This is just a sampling of what is out there for you alone or you and your lover to enjoy.  While this may look like a lot, it fits nicely in a toy chest and for the record my toy chest(s) are multiple foot lockers that fit under my raised bed.  :D  I know I'm a bit of an enthusiast.

In the image you can see an anti-bacterial cleaner, water based lube, some swipes for cleaning and of course a condom.  Also included are a sugar sak, a plastic zippered pouch and a satin pouch as well as a storage box.   These are the basic necessities to have on hand for your toy chest.  There is a small position guide as well as a DVD for some sexy fun ideas.

Here you will find a variety of stimulation devices, anal beads and a butt plug.  A triple stimulator, a cock cage, realistic formed dildo, rabbit vibrator, a bullet, a glass massager, a kegle exerciser and a multi function waterproof massager, crop, nipple stimulator, a cock ring and a pillow case designed to hold my dongs and dildos in for solo or couples play.

There are a variety of materials here to match a variety of sensation.  One important thing to note is that even though each item is displayed out of their various storage containers each has it's very own case, sleeve or pouch.  You can use a zip lock plastic bag for storage as well.

So lets look at some of the parts for your parts.  With a kit similar to this you can enjoy:

  • Anal & Prostate Stimulation
  • Clitoral Stimulation
  • G-Spot Stimulation
  • Nipple & Breast Stimulation
  • Visual Stimulation
  • Impact sensations
  • Vibrational sensations
  • Massage
  • PC Exercise
  • Extended love making
  • Drama free Ménage à Trois simulated MFM
  • Positional aid

Now, why do I have so many sex toys?  Did you see the list just above?   Next week we are going to go over the materials of various sex toys.  There is a lot of misinformation out there, some of it is just wrong.  So check in with us next week as we talk about material, care and storage to prolong your toys.

Check out some sexy offerings here.  So get to checking out some sexy toy time fun, stay safe and as always...

Stay Curvy
XOXO

Monday, January 21, 2013

Remember when I said...

that is was important to shake things up in 2013


I suggested that ladies learn some sexy moves?  Sadie is the most viewed Belly Dancer on youtube. If you can't see why, then I'm so done talking to you.  :D

Now, I've had a love affair with belly dancing for as long as I can remember.  Watch this video and get inspired.  Really, the benefits of belly dancing are tremendous.  I mean in addition to the fabulous, awesomely sexy costumes.  Ok fine , that's the first benefit, but the others are just as important.

So here are my top tens for starting a belly dance class or video program.

1)  Awesome costumes.  No really these are freaking fantabulous!


See, told ya fantabulous costumes, IJS


2)  Cardio.  I know doc, that should have been first but did you see the costume?  Duh, priorities.  Anyhoo, Cardio YES Yes Yes.  Belly dance is a fabulous form of cardio exercise.  Happy ♥!

3)  Improved posture.  The moves of Belly Dance rely on a strong core, and spine.  Proper posture in performing the dance is imperitave and far reaching in that the moves transfer into our every day life and posture.

4)  Increased blood circulation. Yes all those shimmies, shakes and pops will get that blood flowing in all the right places.

5)  Improved muscle tone.  Undulating hips, hip drops and arm stances will improve your core muscles as well as your lower and upper body.

6)  Weight loss.  Cardio + Movement + Muscle memory = Weight Loss  Simple math, and sexy fun.

7)  Stress reduction.  Dancing, exercise, cardio all go a long way to reduce stress.  Belly Dance can also increase our self-esteem & sex drive thus reducing our stress levels further.

8)  No - Low Impact exercise.  Traditional Raqs sharqi is considered by medical professionals as no to low impact while more rural or tribal types of belly dance like Beledi may be low impact due to the step force of the dancer.

9)  Arm strengthening without bulk.  Holy batwings sisters, Belly Dance tones up the arms in a way like nothing outside of it and without bulking up.

10)Aid in digestion.  All those belly undulations help with digestion.  It's true, google it!  Not to mention that the core strengthening while assisting in digestion it also helps to improve and ease childbirth and works the pelvic muscles!

Oh and did I mention it's super sexy.  The muscle memory of belly dance relays directly to the bedroom and the moves, those undulations, hip drops and thrusts are oh so fun to employ in both the tease and the please stages of sex and intimacy.

There are about 697,495.3 dvds out there dedicated to belly dance, each one with its own merits.  Also most urban areas will have a zumba class and if you can find that, you can find a belly dance class as well.  There are a tonne of resources online just for sexy belly dancers out there.

I've been belly dancing for years, for sexy fun and stress relief.  One of the things that I love about belly dance (aside from super sexy) is that it's not size restrictive.  I have seen some gorgeous curvy chickas shake and shimmy right along with their skinny sisters.

So get active, stay safe, start those shimmies and as always...


Stay Curvy...

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Amazing Sex

You can't have it if you don't up your game!



I wish I was joking here, but unfortunately, I'm not.  Sex is one of those things in life that we can enjoy as we work to improve it.  I spoke with Dr. Charley Ferrer last night here.  We discussed her newest book, Sex Unlimited.  This book really runs the gamut of the dating scene to erotic fun time and gives even us ole' married people a few ideas.

This is one of those books that everyone can find something useful in this.  Dr. Charley isn't only a fun chicka to chat with, but she knows how to relate to people.  A clinical sexologist, and author of 13 books she is the go to girl for sexy fun ideas.

Do check out Sex Unlimited it's a great read and guaranteed to have something for everyone.  One of the reasons I was so excited to have Dr. Charley on for our Romantic Wednesday is that she really just says it, without holding back and without sugar coating things.  She talks in Sex Unlimited about her 90 day rule, which I love love and wish I knew about it prior to my age of majority where I made bad choices just because I could.

Of course, I skipped over the dating section and went straight to her section called Erotic Pleasures because, well, its fabulous.  I find getting sexy ideas extremely erotic and acting on them even more.  Sex takes practice and you know what they say, practice make perfect.

So grab Sex Unlimited, listen to my chat with Dr. Ferrer here be sure to check back often because we'll have Dr. Ferrer back for next weeks upcoming KinkEnd episode to talk about her book BDSM The Naked Truth.  We've designed some great widgets that upload our rss feed straight to our blogs.  These widgets you can share, just click the get this widget tab below which ever segment you enjoy most and post it to your pages.

Be sure to send in all your questions for Dr. Ferrer as she will be guest authoring on this blog as well as our www.curviesmuses.com to be sure to and answer all your sexy questions.

So stay sexy my little doves, stay safe, read and be sexy and as always...


Stay Curvy
XOXO

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Time to get crafty ...

video

Thank you Brainiac256 for this creative idea for making a sexy rope flogger!  This is great for those times when you just don't have one handy!

Keep these coming.  Oh!  :D

Yet another fabulous /r/BDSMcommunity member sharing their knowledge.  I'm telling ya'll this may be THE reddit!!!  Oh and they have a new AMA sister reddit!  You know I'm lurking in it!

So this is a quickie post for ya'll be sure to tune in Friday night for our KinkEnd on Sex Talk with Curvy as we chat about Sensation Play and Darr_Syn is gonna teach me the ropes.  (hehe ropes, I ♥ them)  Oh an no pants allowed, so I'm curious to see what ya'll come up with for me.

XOXO
Curvy


Monday, January 7, 2013

Power Exchange in BDSM

Hi there kinksters!  I hope you all survived the holiday season relatively unmarred. Or at least have some great stories as to where you got the new scars!

2013 is so far starting out pretty well for us as we had our first KinkEnd show on Friday, check it out here! KinkEnd is a weekly show where Curvy and myself talk about different aspects of kink culture and BDSM.  Last week's show was an introduction to Power Exchange.

Power exchange is one of those terms that if heard out of context can mean so many different things to so many different people but in terms of kink culture it is used to describe a relationship where one person holds a majority of the power.  A good easy example is the D/s, or dominant/submissive, relationship where the Dominant partner has more power than the submissive does through mutual agreement.

There are any number of different types of power exchange relationships.  There are no set rules or standards that need to be fulfilled to qualify.  Some relationships are based on one person having virtually all of the power over the other(s) as would be seen in a Master/Mistress and slave relationship.  Other relationships are more situational confining the exchange to only certain times or places such as a D/s couple that only takes place in the bedroom.

It may not be for everyone, but it's something that many people find to be sexy and worth trying out.

To learn more about Power Exchange relationships give the show a listen.  We hope you enjoy it!

If you have any questions about Power Exchange let me know in the comment section below.

KinkEnd's next show is an Introduction to Sensation and Pain play.  And I have to say, as a sadist I'm rather looking forward to this one! :D

If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.comdarr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our best to answer them.  You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure. Also be sure to check out our sister blog over on wordpress curviesmuses.com

Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.

Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!

DS

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2013 Style Sex

No really everyone is going to do it differently in 2013.  Why? Because everyone wants to do it better!!!!  So here's my top ten on better sex in 2013.  Its not to late to add in a little sexy resolution.  I won't tell if you don't tell!

Sexy Journal Naked!!!

Yes, yes yes.  Keep a sexy journal in 2013 and do it naked!  Write down all those naughty thoughts that make you blush or that you are too afraid to speak.  Explore yourself, explore your sexuality and do it all in the buff, naked, nakie, in the bared cookie, nude.  I'll bet within 3 months you're having more sex, in 4 months better sex and in 6 months thinking of journaling professionally online with all your naughty thoughts.

So here we go with ten starters for you...

1) Get your kinky on.  I don't care what it is, as long as it's legal, explore it!!!  Listen if you want to have crazy monkey sex in a hot tub full of pistachio pudding with the Las Vegas version of Elvis wearing a tutu and singing Blue Suede shoes, then go for it!  Why?  Because who gives a shit, there is someone else out there that wants exactly the same thing or a complimentary thing as you do.  Your Elvis is out there, so is the chef who wants to make that pistachio pudding, and a housekeeper who can't wait to get their hands into that hot tub and might want to join you and Elvis in it and the Karaoke Bar Owner who gets a woody every time they hear Blue Suede Shoes.

2) Get your voice and be prepared to be heard.  Speak people.  Put down the blackberry, look into your lovers face and speak!  Don't you even think of talking about the weather or work, speak about sex.  Ask, Listen, Learn/Understand and Respond.  These are the basics of a conversation.  For some reason we ask what someone wants or needs and the conversation ends there.  No, this is not hearing or being heard.  Ask what turns your lover on, Listen to their response, Understand exactly what they desire and Respond in turn.

3) Get outside the box.  As in outside the bedroom, or outside the house.  Maybe even outside the yard!  Explore your surroundings as you explore your sexual desires.  Sex can happen in so many places and intimacy or foreplay can happen in even more places.  On your next dinner out, casually mention to your lover that you've been using your Luna Beads and they happen to be inside you right now.  That will give him or her something to think about throughout dinner.  If you can bend over in a skirt you can have sex.    I know, it's awful and cheeky of me to suggest getting it on in the elevator.

4) Get off your back.  Explore some sexy positions, what a great reason to start a yoga class and talk about dual purpose!  Seriously.  Take a look at your sofa, or coffee table and imagine all the positions that could be done on those awesome little pieces of furniture.  Find yourself fantasizing about all the different ways your household furniture can bring you and your lover closer together, in more ways than one.

5) Get sex off the calendar.  Be spontaneous.  Be adventurous and stop with the old Thursday romp whether you want it or not.  Seriously, if you want to spice up your sex life the quickest way to do it is to stop with the routine.

6) Get to the fun stuff.  Do you bore yourself to sleep?  Are you as entertaining or engaging as a box of rocks?  Are you as serious as a heart attack?  You do know that taking yourself too seriously means you are missing out on a lot of laughs and some opportunities for intimacy with your lover.  If you find yourself always focused on some "major" thing you cut yourself off from the life (and sex) that is and could be happening right in front of you.  So lighten up, your problems will be there until you deal with them, but your loved ones cannot be neglected.

7) Get assertive.  Assertiveness is a fabulous thing.  It means you can say no to those things that and obligations that tend to creep in on your intimate time.  Assertiveness in the bedroom and regarding all things sexy is a sign of confidence and is super sexy.  So learn to say no and mean it and learn to go for what you want.  Of course as long as it's with a willing & consenting partner.

8) Get intimate.  Spend a few moments each day being intimate with your lover, or with yourself.  Why not?  What is it really going to hurt to go the long eye gaze, or that self exploratory slide or rub in the bubble bath?  Intimacy starts with communication and honesty so once these two things are in line, intimacy becomes quite second nature.  Happy couples all over the world will tell you that their sex lives correlate with their level of intimacy.  Intimacy comes in many forms, talking, touching, cuddling, kissing etc...  so stop worrying about why you're sex life is lagging and start to pay attention to intimacy.

9) Get involved.  I used to live the term separate but together, then I divorced it.  Separate but together is a misnomer and a fallacy.  Oil and Water can be separate but together in the same glass, and we have the same reaction, they just don't mix well.  You cannot expect a healthy, happy relationship if your are in a relationship and one is oil while one is water, it just doesn't mix.  So if your relationship is worth keeping, then it's worth getting involved in your partners interests, life and extra curricular activities.

10)  Get active.  I know some of you out there reading this made a resolution to either "get healthy" or "lose weight".  Don't deny it, I made it too.  But this year, I plan on doing something a little differently.  I've decided to find activities that are sexy.  What better reason to get up and go to exercise class if you know that it's going to make you feel sexy and perform better sexually?  So my top 3 activities for the ladies in 2013 are:

     a.  Belly Dance
     b.  Yoga
     c.  Pole Dancing

and for the guys are

     a.  Yoga
     b.  Stroke Skills - Seriously need to check this out.
     c.  Salsa lessons

So guys and dolls, don't let 2013 get away from you.  Get your sexy on, stay safe and as always...


Stay Curvy!
XOXO

Saturday, December 29, 2012

The L/S Relationship

Coming January 2nd, we welcome Chris Lyon the author of Leading and Supporting Love.  I really enjoyed this particular writing because it's valid regardless of if you find yourself and your relationship lacking, or if you are a friend of family member struggling with choices your loved one has made.



So be sure to tune in this coming Wednesday on Sex Talk with Curvy and come chat with Chris.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Awakening Advance Copy Give Away

Ok fabulous people, I just spoke with author Elene Sallinger.  She has written the awesomely sexy and endearing book Awakening.

As proof of her awesomeness she has offered two advance print copies of Awakening.  Go to her facebook page here like her page and comment that you heard it on Sex Talk with Curvy.  But before you do that make sure you take a listen here.

This is in my humble opinion, one of the absolute best erotic novels I've read to date.  The characters are well thought out, so in depth and real.

You can find it on both the kindle and nook.  Amazon.com has it on sale this month for .99 for your kindle if you don't have a kindle you can still download the kindle app and get your read in.

So get busy, get to reading and as always...

Stay Curvy
XOXO

Friday, December 21, 2012

BDSM and Aftercare

I wrote this essay earlier this year to help people understand that there's more to BDSM than just "slap and tickle" and SEX++.  You can read more of my writings on our sister blog here at curviesmuses.com.

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There is a mantra in the kinky corners of the world, “communication is key”. It’s actually one of the pillars of any relationship based in BDSM. Specifically it’s important to not just have communication but open and honest communication. A great many people, those both established and newish to the scene, may take this idea to mean that it is a way to tell people what you want. This is only half the reason open and honest communication is important. The other side of the coin is just as important, if not more so, since it deals with letting others know what you NEED.

There are times when it’s so easy to let your partner know what it is that you want from them. “Move here”, “Do this”, “hurt there”, “suck that”. It might be quite a breakthrough for many to get to that point and it should in no way be dismissed as wonderful, but when it comes to telling people what you need it can be a bit trickier.

Since “need” is such a primal influence on us it is also, by definition, a very personal thing and typically not something that is easy to share. Some of you will know and understand when I use the word “need”. You’ll understand that I’m not talking about how you “need” a cupcake or “need” a new pair of shoes. I’m talking about a need so base in yourself that you may not understand it yourself. A need to submit, to dominate, to hurt or be hurt or any number of other common (or hell, uncommon) needs.. You may not ever know WHY you have this need, but it is there regardless of what your mind thinks or does. That is a need that can be quite hard to convey to someone else, not just because it’s hard to wrap your mind around but also because it is so hard to put into words.

These needs are nothing to be ashamed of as I hope each of you understands. But that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to deal with in terms of communicating within relationships.

So we all try, to the best of our abilities, to be open and honest with our friends and partners about what it is that we NEED. Some of what we need spills out in conversations, some through negotiation. There will be times that your partner will guess at what you need so that you’ll never have to actually voice it aloud. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, you’ll have a partner that can just read your body or your mind and help you achieve what you need.

Then again, there will be times when you will have to state plainly what it is that you need.

For most people negotiating a scene can be fun, if somewhat clinical. It’s the start of something new and exciting! You’re going to be playing or scening with someone and allowing them to get close to you in a way that not many can. So maybe this is where you allow yourself to start talking about your needs. Take me for example; when I negotiate a scene I am sure to tell my scene partner that I NEED to be able to talk and joke with them during the scene. That is something that took me years to figure out that is very important to me, on a psychological level. I NEED to be able to talk to them and check in with how they are doing, so if I am not able to communicate with them during a scene I know that I WILL have a problem.

So in this time of talking and negotiating, of communicating openly and honestly, many people focus on their immediate needs. They focus on what they want and need to feel during the scene. That’s to be expected! Hell, encouraged!

The problem arises when we don’t look at our needs close enough to see what we will need afterwards. What will we need once the cuffs come off and the floggers are put away.
As some of you may know I was trained in BDSM and mentored under an Old Guard Master and his boy. I was taught so many things by these wonderful men. From how tos, to philosophies to phrases and more. But one thing I was taught that I have found serves me more than all the rest combined is “the scene is only over when everyone is safe”.

This was my first introduction to aftercare. Aftercare is the process of making sure that those involved in a scene are happy, healthy and safe after the “scene” ends.

As a top there are a number of things that I look to immediately after the physical scene ends. I look to be sure my partner is hydrated, water is best but anything non-alcoholic as needed. I make sure they are warm, either blankets, towels or even putting clothes on them. I make sure to TALK to them for a while after (unless they request quiet) to be sure they can think and speak as per normal. I make sure that I did not cross any boundaries, lines or limits with them and that they are unharmed. Obviously the situation may change from scene to scene and from partner to partner, but these are the things that I need to do for my own sake as well as for theirs.

That’s right. I NEED to do these things after a scene. I also NEED to talk to them over the next few days. To make sure that if they drop I am there to help in whatever way I can. There are other things I NEED in aftercare as well but the point is that these needs are no less important than my need to talk during a scene. In many ways my aftercare needs are MORE important because they make sure that I am able to play and scene again without fear of doing harm.

Some people think that when a scene is over, that’s it. Time to move on since everyone, hopefully, got their jollies. The problem is that if a scene went perfectly people’s needs were fulfilled in exciting and dynamic ways that can have lasting effects physically, emotionally and mentally. If a scene did NOT go perfectly. . . well, it’s almost a guarantee that there will be lasting effects.

Some people will need more aftercare than others. I know some people that negotiate hours of cuddling and talking after a physical scene is finished else they don’t play. I also know some that want to be left strictly alone for at LEAST 30 minutes to compose themselves and then just have a smoke and a smile. What people NEED to process a scene will obviously differ depending on the scene and the person. But what is important to remember is that these needs should never be forgotten nor overlooked.

So if you are new to BDSM take some time and think about not just what you want, but what you need to feel the way you want. Do NOT be afraid to ask for what you need, in a scene or after a scene. If you NEED to be bound and whipped, say so! If you NEED to be held and told that you were such a good sub afterwards, SAY SO! If you NEED to just hear that you’re still friends and get a pat on the rear, say so.
When dealing with the things that we do it becomes very important that need outweigh embarrassment. After all, we all NEED you to be safe so that we can all have fun!

-------------

I hope that I was able to answer the question, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these things.

If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our best to answer them.  You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure.

Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.

Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!

DS

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Part Two of Intimacy and Sexual Fulfillment

You can find the original post here, at www.curviesmuses.com the original blog.

In the first segment of this series we discussed communication.  While communication is highly important, we can not end it with talk, we have to take action as well.  I talk about sex and sexuality all the time, with strangers, family, friends and unknown listeners.  I can even discuss intimacy and things I'd like or my love would like but with those who are not the aforementioned lover, in these cases the intimacy stops there with the discussion.

We have to remember that the communication aspect is like giving a speech, you're expressing your ideas.  Now put that into this context, if Bill Gates, the guy that owns the world, yeah him. Or Steven Jobs? What if he only expressed his fantastic thoughts on an undeveloped program called Windows, then never took the action required to make it happen?  Seriously, where would computer technology be today?  What if Steven Jobs, choose to talk but not act?

Now sure that is a pretty grandiose example, but when you think of your long term relationship, it's pretty grandiose as well and could span several years of your life, that you can't get back.  So think of your intimate communications as a type of foreplay.  Having the discussion is enough to get me all randied up, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that aspect.

The next step is one of action.  I've been known to text the honey with an directions, date & time for us to meet.  Usually under the guise of a work related thing, but it can be just a quick meet up for lunch as well.  Now this isn't an every week thing, we can go months without either of us wanting to plot something sexy to get that fire lit again.  So I generally take advantage of this fact and set our meeting place at our local naughty store, lingerie store or one of our fabulous wineries in the area.  Now, I own an adult store, so saying "Guess what I got from UPS today?" just doesn't hold the same excitement as it did a few years ago, but it's a fabulous intro for those who shop online for their sexy toys.

I know, an awful ploy to get the honey to tell me what he thinks about this toy or that piece of lingerie.  Plus I love his reaction when we are browsing the sexy offerings.  Personally I like to schedule these sexy dates a few days in advance of our weekend so that we can each have something to think about and get us waiting breathlessly for our couples only night.

I've had a lot of people talk about spontaneity, yes yes yes.  This is fabulous, but not necessarily going to happen if you are in a sexual rut or going through a dry spell, so to speak.  The entire point of this segment is to help you get out of that funk.  BUT, spontaneity can still be a included in this.  Go through the planning process and surprise your lover with it at your time of choice, you can encourage them to do the same.  Regardless, the use of communication should take place first. Get your limits, fantasies and sexual desires expressed so you each have a basis for setting up your sexy night together.

Now, everything is set in motion.  You've discussed your desires, plotted out some fun time whether together or alone, had a sexy pre-date meeting, gathered all your supplies or sexy wear, planned a pre/post sensual snack, set the mood with lighting and some sexy scents in the air.  Now all that is left is to show up, explore and enjoy each other.

What are you waiting for?  It's a considerably small amount of time to plan a sexy play date.  What is mind numbing sex worth to you?  It doesn't have to cost you a penny to get intimate with your lover.  More often than not answering the door when my honey comes home in nothing but my favorite heels and a smile does the trick.

Intimacy and great sex takes a little bit of effort, but it is so worth it!  No one is born being a great lover, no one is born knowing how to act in an intimate relationship.  It's well worth the effort and the pay out in the end will blow your mind!

So stop reading this, set your pre sexy time meeting, and show up!!!!  Of course and as always...


Stay Curvy
XOXO

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Friday, December 14, 2012

Dangerous "Webmasters"

Per request this is an essay I wrote about "Webmasters" early this year and was mentioned on the first radio show I did with Curvy. 

Let me preface this post by saying I don’t expect everyone to like it, nor agree with what I have to say. This may well be more rant than essay by the time I’m done.

There’s a distinct line of demarcation in BDSM. It’s not the line of tops and bottoms, or slaves and masters, nor even pain and pleasure. Sure, those lines do exist but to a much lower degree than what I am discussing. Every day there are people that switch roles or sides of the slash that they want to try out or experiment with. But this line I’m talking about is something that many only feel comfortable on one side or the other, and if and when they DO cross. . . things are never the same.

The line I’m talking about is the internet. When someone steps across the line from reading and typing about something online and actually doing it in real life they’ve crossed the line.

It honestly shocks me whenever I read or hear about someone saying they have years of experience in BDSM but only tack on “online” when prompted or pushed. As if there’s not a difference between reading something and DOING something. You cannot learn how to throw a flogger by reading about it, you cannot understand how to cane someone by watching a video, you cannot take part in a knife scene by typing “I take out my knife”.

Now I’m fully aware that I am of that weird age right now where I grew up without the internet at my fingertips. I didn’t have three computers, a few laptops, a smartphone and a computer lab at school at all times. When I needed to research something I didn’t just “wiki” it, I actually had to REASEARCH it. That being said though, I built my first computer when I was 12 years old and followed the development of the internet with avid interest.

What scares the living fuck out of me is where the internet has brought BDSM. I’m not talking about the chat rooms or the forums. I’m talking about a subspecies of the BDSM practitioners.
The “webmasters”.

These people have little to no real world experience yet demand titles and rights, virtually of course, from all they happen to run across on the ‘net. They’ve “been in the scene” from anywhere from birth to age 15 and will list out any number of “skills” they possess. Needless to say they won’t tell you that they’ve never held a crop in their hand in their life.

These people are dangerous.

Not in the “cool and sexy” way dangerous, but more like the “I need therapy and a restraining order” dangerous.

Many times these webmasters spend no effort in learning about what BDSM is and can be, they are either basing their ideas on stories they may have read or just porn they’ve fapped to. They don’t understand the basics of kink like aftercare, negotiation, respect and they sure as hell don’t get the more intricate aspects like timing, limits, pushing and experience. All they know is that they can live out the fantasies in their mind by typing or speaking. They don’t REALLY have to worry about the person on the other end of the ‘net. . . I mean they WANT this right?

I want to be clear here. I’m not talking about people that are in a kinky long distance relationship (LDR). There is a significant difference between an LDR between two people that are making an effort to be together despite the distance and someone that’s abusive to people they barely know via the internet.
Now I don’t care if there are claims of “But I don’t want to be part of the community” or “The local scene is stupid” or even “There aren’t any kinksters near me”. NONE of that matters when it comes to how you present yourself and how you treat others in a virtual community.

So let me piss off a whole bunch of people here: Online “experience” doesn’t count for shit.
Seriously, if you’ve never had a scene in real life, never topped or bottomed in a scene YOU DO NOT HAVE EXPERIENCE. What you have is random knowledge. More than likely misinformed and piecemeal knowledge that can cause dangerous situations when applied in either a virtual “scene” or your first real world scene.

But let me get practical here. Who cares what these random assholes claim or do? I do, and you should as well. These are the people that lurk on the forums and on the dating websites. Looking for new people that don’t know any better than to ask the right questions. These webmasters will PM or message someone with grandiose claims with demands of obedience or servitude and the new person, not knowing any better, will fall for it. Their first foray into BDSM will be with someone that doesn’t know what the fuck they are doing yet claim to be a “master” with 167 years experience. So now when this webmaster commands this new person to do unhealthy and dangerous things since they’ve “done this hundreds of times before” the new person, who WOULD have been a wonderful addition to the BDSM scene, is harmed, shamed and disgusted with the very idea of kink. All because some jackass wanted to get their rocks off.
I have personally talked to people that have been physically, mentally, emotionally and intellectually abused and damaged by people just like this. They’ve been people on BOTH sides of the slash. I’ve talked to bottoms that were literally scarred by what was done to them in the name of “learning”. I’ve talked to tops that ended up in therapy due to bottoms that were too demanding.

It may be true that the internet is a safer place than it was 20 years ago, but there are still places where the dangers are a real thing. BDSM is one of those places. Kink is one of those things that many people want and desire a level of anonymity when starting out and for some throughout their entire kinky career. Yet anonymity can hide a multitude of faults.

Time after time I read here about people asking questions, which is AWESOME by the way, about how to get started in kink. But I also read a disturbing amount of topics about how people dismiss communities and “real world” activities for various reasons. So many times I cringe while reading those types of posts since I am then forced to wonder. . . where did they get their experience?

I’m not saying that anyone not involved in a real world community is dangerous, although I’ve stated before it’s a red flag for me, nor that those people should be shunned. I’m saying that these “webmasters” are a danger to everyone. Not just new people, but to those of us that are established as well. They are the ones that end up in newspapers under headlines reading “Sex Play Has Tragic Consequences” or “Abuse Victim Met Attacker Online”. These webmasters don’t just give BDSM a bad name they are taking people out of kink altogether. They are making our kinky world smaller with ever badly type command and typo ridden PM.

Why should they care after all? There will always be someone else logging on for the first time. There will always be someone else that doesn’t know enough to ask questions. There will always be those that want to believe and to belong. So who cares that they’ve damaged and harmed some random person on the ‘net. They just need to wait and try again with the next fresh face.

------------------------------------

Please feel free to send any comments or questions to darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com

Until next time kinksters, stay safe and have fun!

DS



Tuesday, December 11, 2012

As if it weren't enough...

in January we are expanding our podcasts on blog talk radio! (hey I'm payin for it might as well use it!)

So our line up is as follows:

Romantic Wednesday: All you authors out there come chat with me about your work, published and upcoming books, ebooks, erotica, erotic poetry etc... Every Wednesday we'll be talking about some sexy read.

Sex Toy Thursday: We are working on gathering the most innovative, sexy, fun & functional sex toy manufacturers to talk about their toys. On the market or soon to be released. ( I ♥ sex toyzzzzzz )

It's the KinkEnd Fridays: Because a KinkEnd is so much more fun than a regular weekend. On Fridays we will be talking all things kinky! We are going to dig deep into topics such as Power Play, Pain Play, Bondage and Role Play as well as other forms of kink and how to get your kinky on.

Sex Talk Saturday: In January we are going to tackle some pretty hard-hitting topics like Sex after Sexual Trauma: Getting your sexy back! We'll be having on Montique of Zinity Fitness and talk about their performance enhancing exercise routine! We are also working on getting on live a Doctor to discuss some signs of sexual dysfunction, a Pharmacist to discuss sexual side-effects of some common pharmaceutical treatments and possibly, just maybe a super awesome holistic health practitioner to go over some alternative methods to deal with sexual issues.

Gonna be a busy year 2013, assuming I survive the zombies (IJS hehe)

Monday, December 10, 2012

Enter the sadist. . .

Hi there folks!  I'm Darr Syn.  Recently I had the chance to chat with Curvy for over an hour and a half about kink and the BDSM world as a whole on her last radio show last Saturday.  I know that I had a blast and was working hard to show people a more realistic side of sadism, but also give them the information that they’re looking for and answer their questions.  Well, I think we were having way too much fun and left the audience wanting way too much.  So I have signed on to guest blog for Curvy, presenting a kinky perspective and maybe write some articles answering those questions we didn’t have a chance to address in the show as well as any questions that crop up in the future.

One of the problems about discussing BDSM and kink with those not so familiar with it is that every conversation has to start with the basics.  Anytime I start trying to educate someone about kink culture and my role as a sadist, I have to make sure that they understand the terms that I will be using; words like "sadist" , "dominant", and "scene".  While this is important to be sure that everyone is on the same page and able to communicate in the same language, it doesn't leave much room for questions and answers beyond the mere basics.  In fact Curvy and I received quite a few questions both during the show and directly after that we just didn't have the time to address on air.

But never let it be said that I intentionally leave people wanting more!  After all, as I said on the show, I'm a sadist not an asshole.

 

So while there were a bunch of questions that I will get to over time, two questions specifically cropped up that I wanted to address in my initial post here.  The questions deal with how I as a sadist deal with abuse.  Specifically I was asked:

  1. If you see someone being abused, what do you do?

  2. If you see a kid abusing an animal, what do you do?


This is a topic that I think is really important.  Not just to me as a sadist, but to me as a human.

The first question, though, was rather open ended as to how "abuse" is defined can change depending on context.  If I'm grocery shopping and I see a parent refusing to buy their child a candy bar we can be pretty sure that at least the child is convinced they are the victim of abuse while the rest of us smile and go on with our day.  Please don't get me wrong, though, I am not making light of abuse by any stretch of the imagination.  I'm merely trying to put into context that the term "abuse" can be seen in a number of different ways.  Hence I will be answering this question in a number of different ways.
Physical abuse in public

As much as I wish I could say differently, I have witnessed physical abuse take place in public.  From a guy getting rough with his girlfriend, to a wife breaking a bottle over her husband's head.  I've also seen my fair share of bar fights, slap fights, hair pulling and plain old posturing push fights.

Being the person that I am, for better or worse, I have chosen almost every time to involve myself in these situations.  I will try to stop things from getting too far out of control.  Sometime I have just had to call the police where those involved can hear me, other times I will try and get between those getting physical.  Regardless though I can never just stand aside and allow someone to be abused.  My parents raised me better than that.

While I am a sexual sadist there's a world of difference between two (or more) consenting adults deciding to engage in pain play and two (or more) people deciding to harm one another.
Physical abuse within the BDSM world

Just because we're kinky doesn't mean we don't have rules.  That's something I want everyone to understand.  Abuse can, and does, happen within kink culture and BDSM communities.  Anything from untrained tops harming their scene partners to unconsensual emotional and verbal abuse to plain physical abuse within a relationship.  I won't get into how prevalent it may or may not be but sufficeth to say that the vanilla world hasn't cornered the market on bad relationships quite yet.

When I see those types of things going on in the BDSM community my reactions are, generally speaking, much the same.  I get involved.  If it is happening at a dungeon or a play party I immediately find a Dungeon Monitor and let them know about the situation.  If I don't think there is time or things have gone too far already I will stop the scene myself and try to get help as soon as possible.  I would much rather be rude in those situations than wrong.

Abuse within the BDSM community and kink culture needs to be taken seriously and not just brushed under the rug.  It is NOT a normal thing and is NEVER acceptable.
If you see a kid abusing an animal, what do you do?

If I wanted I could give you my standard answer of "I get involved" but when dealing with children, especially other people's children, things get a little trickier.  But honestly, I would have to get involved.  If I saw a child abusing an animal I would have to intervene.  Physically if necessary.

Most young children do not have the mental facilities to make determinations between the gray levels of right and wrong that most adults develop over time.  Sure it is absolutely possible that the child is a budding sexual sadist and doesn't know how to express what they are feeling, but it is just as likely (if not more so) that the child is acting out based on any number of different things in their life.  Regardless of reason I think it is so very important that they learn that society will not tolerate this kind of action.

I would want to, first and foremost, put a stop to the abuse taking place.  No animal, person, or being, deserves to be abused and it should stop as soon as possible.  Only when the situation is in control would I attempt to determine the cause and reason behind the child's actions.  I would also want to find the child's parents or guardians and be sure that they are aware of what has happened.  I wouldn't assume that the child was a sadist like myself any more than I would jump to that conclusion when one first grader shoves another on the playground.
Being kinky isn't an excuse to be abusive

Just because I'm a sadist doesn't mean that I have a license to be an abusive jerk.  That's not the way things work in the BDSM world or ANY world.  No matter what your sexuality, your age, your gender, your background, or your mental facilities abuse is never acceptable.  Period.  There are too many support groups, organizations, people, and places that are out there to think that abuse is something to be put up with or ignored.

 

I hope that I was able to answer these questions, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these questions.

If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: Curvy or myself and we'll do our best to answer them.

Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.

Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!

 

DS

 

 

Friday, December 7, 2012

Sooooooo did any one see...

the last episode of Big Bang Theory?



Looks like I'm not the only one enjoying Kinky Clause! It dawned on me, that this has been the prevalent undercurrent in their relationship nearly from the beginning. Sheldon (♥ him) is the uber-controlling near (or not) megalomaniac and Amy (♥♥ her) is the happy to make him happy subject herself to his whim. (Not saying that all Dom's are megalomaniac, just in this particular case) It fits so well for them.

How funny that I never really saw that coming. When I've had to explain the subtle (and not so subtle) ways of Sheldon to the honey (Second language and all, he misses the intricacies sometimes) I've always just termed him to be that guy who has no unconscious filter. You know, that pesky thing in our brain that tells us to zip it or to stop talking.

But alas, now I have this mental picture of Shelly (Sheldon) decked out in some leather garb wielding a paddle to the rump of a prostrate bound and gagged Amy. Really, it just won't go away. Then I get a little teary thinking Sheldon & Amy may just be kinkier than I!!!!!! Well my lovelies, Challenge Accepted.

Anyhooo, be sure to tune in tomorrow for our next episode in the Kinky Clause segment. Sex Talk with Curvy We go live Saturday, December 8th at 10:00pm CST.

Get your kinky on, accept the sexuality challenge and as always...

Stay Curvy

XOXO

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I have something special for my lovelies

Just in time for the holidays!



Elene Sallinger has written one of the sexiest erotic novels I've ever read.

Elene Sallinger is a lover of all things lingual, a warrior of words, and a vixen of vocabulary. Her goal is to titillate, provoke, empower and move you with her work which ranges from the erotic to the dramatic and everything in between.

Elene is also the author of At Long Last available on Smashwords, and the upcoming full-length, erotic novel Doing DC from UStar Novels.

You got it, Elene Sallinger is joining us on Sex Talk with Curvy on the 22nd of December. Be sure to tune in.

I mentioned in an earlier post starting to read Awakening, I finished it in one setting, thanks to my Kindle I read in bed next to the honey. It was terribly difficult to let the man sleep through my randy read. I was mighty tempted to wake him up a couple times and say "Read, Do .... NOW" ;) (ya'll know what I'm talkin' about)

But I don't want to give too much away here, because we are gonna get to talk to the woman behind the words! Ohhhhhh I so can't wait!

If you haven't read Awakening yet, you can find it on Amazon. They have it on kindle and if you don't have a kindle you can get the kindle app for your phone.

Get the book, read & be randy :) stay sexy and as always...

Stay Curvy
XOXO

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Anger vs Domination

I did the episode last night and kicked off Kinky Clause. One question however bothered me from the time I received it to now. It's one of those questions that just stick in someone's head and irritates the crap out of them until they've either vented it completely or gone mad fussing over it. I've said before I'm a little on the OCD side so once I get my teeth into something, it's nearly impossible for me to let it go. Call it a compulsion. Plus I really want to clear the air regarding abuse and a Dom/sub relationship.

So lets start with the quality of life and the differences between being in an abusive relationship and being in a Dom/sub relationship.

Abuse is the non-consensual violence perpetrated by one half of a couple against the other half of the couple. It is a form of control that can include physical violence, emotional violence, financial abuse, sexual abuse and verbal violence. The key word here is NON-CONSENSUAL. That means without negotiation and express permission to act in this fashion. The quality of life for the person being abused, is one of fear, neglect, terror and pain. The quality of life for the abuser is one filled with guilt, fear (of being exposed), uncontrollable anger and emotion, lack of control.

Now, lets take a peekiepoo at the dynamics of a Dom/sub relationship. From my research and discussions with those in the BDSM community I have gained a whole new understanding of what initially appeared to be abuse in the grossest form. Let's first look at the Dom. This Dominant partner has negotiated and expressed their need for control in what ever aspects of the relationship they desire control. They have an agreement with their partner that they can do ______ and control ______. Whatever this may be. The Dominant has a clear idea of what he or she needs from the relationship and expresses it in a non-threatening manner with the spirit of negotiation. A Dominant must be able to maintain a level self-control during their "play" time or other designated and agreed upon portion of their relationship. From my understanding a Dominant should, if not must, be aware of his or her partners physical, mental and emotional well-being and respect the boundaries that have been negotiated and agreed upon.

This is wholly different than that of an abuser who isn't required to adhere to a safe word, whose intention to generally to inflict as much damage on their unwilling partner as they can without concern for their partners physical, mental or emotional well-being.

The submissive in the Dom/sub relationship seeks out a partner who they negotiate and agree upon the parameters of their relationship. He/She submits, and certainly desires an able Dominant. They need on some primal level that outside control. They find in themselves some emotional and physical release in their submission.

Again this is wholly different from that of an abuse victim. A victim of abuse is often taken unawares that this could even happen to them. They haven't sought it out, they aren't necessarily interested in it and are certainly fearful of the what's next. For them they are fearful of staying as well as of escaping. They find themselves trapped against their will.

Now the question that brought on this particular rant was something to the tune of "I get angry easy, does that make me a Dominant?" As well as the snarky judgy pant lady who has been so vocal regarding this particular segment. So my answer for this was a categorical Hells to da NOOOO, the fact that you have anger issues has no bearing on whether or not you're a Dominant. It does however mean that you need to establish some control over yourself and your emotions.

Anyhow, these are just my thoughts on the differences between abuse and a Dom/sub relationship. Now in any relationship there can be issues, in every culture or community there are those asshats who just can't help themselves and take advantage of their position or power. No matter your vanilla or other sometimes people just don't know how to act right. So here are some red flags for any relationship.

1) Separation from family and friends. This tactic is used by abusers to ensure that their victims have little to no resources available to them for either escape or a support system.

2) Financial control. Financial control can take many forms, one being that the victim is forced to leave employment making them totally dependant on the abuser. The other can be financial manipulation, where the victims income is recklessly abused, hidden from or otherwise taken out of his or her control without their consent.

3) Limited Communications. Abusers often will take control of the ability to have outside communications. They will unplug or lock the phone lines, inspect your private cellular or take them away, limit internet access, limit outside interactions.

4) The prevalence of violence or threat of unwanted violence. I put in here UNWANTED violence, I have a hard time to express the variations of people's sexual and non sexual desires what may appear to be violence to one might be a complete turn on and sexual or other need for another. So unwanted is the key word here. For example, if I like and have expressed my desire to my husband to spank me for whatever reason, this is not unwanted. Though for another person the sheer idea of a spanking is considered by them unwanted violence. Threats fall into the same category as actual physical violence, for some hearing the words "If you do ____, I will spank you." is a complete turn on conversely it drips fear into the hearts of others.

5) Blame. If your partner consistently blames you for their bad or unwanted behavior this is a way for them to rid their own soul and is called transference. Now, in a Dom/sub relationship the lines here can be blurry. I learned of a type of submissive/nonsubmissive called a Brat. (Yes, my producer said I was one. LOL) In many ways, we learn from mistakes and the consequences that are the result. As a child we learned that if we do ____ we get ____ as a punishment or reward. I think its irresponsible to think that this learning process ceases to exist as we get to age of majority. Using blame in a traditional relationship is a form of manipulation because both parties are not privy to the aspects of the relationship. There has been no negotiation, no agreement and lastly no express role identification established.

Anyway you cut it, what gets me going is not necessarily what is required to get everyone else going, people are dynamic, relationships are unique and unless we are in it we really can't know the entirety of the story. All we can do is establish an atmosphere of honesty, communication and respect within our own relationships.

Establishing firstly what we want or need out of a relationship, communicating those wants and needs to our partners, and being honest in those communications with both ourselves and our partners. Finally we have to stop comparing one to another, the most fabulous thing in this life is the diversity of all it's participants.

So get honest with yourself, establish what YOU need and want, communicate that honestly with your lover, stay sexy and as always...


Stay Curvy
XOXO

Our Kinky Clause Kick off...

So, here is the kick off episode of Kinky Clause... Sir Jim had me turning every shade of pink possible! What a fun one and just so naughty! ;)

Listen to internet radio with Sex Talk with Curvy on Blog Talk Radio



Hope you take a listen and enjoy the show! Stay sexy my lovelies and until next time...

Stay Curvy
XOXO

Friday, November 30, 2012

So I played with KK's new toy

Dirty minds... it's the link she posted on her page here KnowledgeKnut

I write like



I write like
H. P. Lovecraft

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!




Sheesh I don't always write about sex, um, well whatever I do fine. :D But for you bloggers out there this is fun and dare I say you can do it with your clothes on!!!

Stay sexy, keep writing and as always...


Stay Curvy

XOXO

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Back to Kinky Clause

and my purely scientific investigation of BDSM. (Fine, that's a lie but whatever). I've been reading The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino. This book is pretty fascinating and has the various segments written by "Masters" in their respective techniques, such as Midori, Lolita Wolf, Laura Antoniou and Madison Young.

It's broken down into nice bite size pieces that even I can handle and absorb into my tiny brain. Not to mention it's extremely well written. It's like Tristan has brought together the rock stars of the BDSM community. There is so much information out there regarding this particular community. A large percentage of it from what I can tell is a little on the skeevy side but there are some genuine people willing and able to teach and impart their knowledge on the subject. This book is definitely on my recommendation list.

I'm also reading Awakening by Elene Sallinger, a second piece of erotic fiction after finally making it through the second book in the FSOG series. (Sorry, I still like these. It's an easy read and I just substitute my own words for her redundant descriptives) Though I have found some similarities, "Stilling" is used in this work as well as is the whole biting her lower lip bringing a raging woody to the uber-hot un-attainable Dom. It causes me to wonder, is this how it starts for single ladies out there discovering their kink? It seems to be a popular trend in fiction, that's for certain.

I've discussed with the honey the prospect of getting a little hands on in my "research", ahem, yeah, that's it Research! I've had him read some of my reading list and tell me what he thinks. I also directed him to the CEPE page posted in an earlier post. Poor thing forgot his English and I'm still uncertain exactly how he responded verbally, but the physical response was well, lets just say exciting. He is an angel and thankfully he goes right along with me in what ever hair-brained sex-capade I get distracted with or my flavor of the month.



I do find it intimidating, even a little scary. I'm pretty type A personality, OCD, clean freak, and what did my producer call me, oh yeah, a germaphobe (not sure that's a word but anyhoo). I do struggle with what "role" I closely identify with. In life I'm pretty much a very dominant personality I control all within my tiny universe (or think I do anyway). Hence the confusion. A Dominant as in the D of the D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship just isn't necessarily something I'm comfortable with. In point of fact, I think I would more closely relate to the submissive in this aspect. Perhaps it's BECAUSE I tend to control so many of the other aspects of our lives, I seek the reprieve from decision-making, scheduling etc... Or perhaps I'm confusing the roles completely.

This establishment of roles and guidelines is essential in the community, as well as of course CONSENT. But then there are other roles, one is termed a Switch. Yup, like a switch hitter for all you baseball fans or others. Anyhoo, I may be over thinking this and making it more difficult than it needs or really is. (Not a shocker, I still use a thermometer to boil water, don't judge me! :D )

Or perhaps it's not necessarily ME I'm concerned about. In a LTR (long-term relationship) that has been relatively vanilla for years outside a little spank and tickle, is it even feasible to think that established life roles can be adjusted for pure sexual satisfaction and exploration? I don't know the answer. It's odd how once we start to look out our sexual desires, they soon become needs.

As I said before, I'm pretty Type A. I can tell you exactly where something is in my home without even looking or thinking because everything has its place. (as long as no one has moved it on me, drives me nuts!) My honey is so relaxed and laid back with me, that it may be part of the reason I'm so dominant in my role as wife and business partner. Yet, let anyone else step wonky to either of us and the fury of the G_ds looks like a happy place to anyone who crosses him. Maybe, I am already in a submissive role and simply don't recognize it for what it is? Perhaps the power exchange that is so prevalent in the BDSM community is merely an illusion, a consensual and albeit convincing one, but still an illusion. Is it possible to be both Dominant and submissive? Is it possible to relinquish control to gain control? Is it possible that one can be so focused on task that they unwittingly become submissive in that action? Maybe I'm just the perfect sub to honeys Dom tendencies or is it the other way around?

Maybe as we seek out our partners we find that perfect mix of I want this, that and the other that when we find it the power exchange is made without our even realizing it. This is one of the reasons I think I'm so intrigued by the BDSM culture. He wanted a wife who was driven to succeed, extremely clean, with a mind for business and adventurous with a big ole bootay. I wanted the strong, silent, pick me up when I fall & treat me like a Queen, Knight in Shining Armor.

Again, maybe just maybe this is part of the discovery process. Perhaps I need to spend more time thinking about, pondering and musing over sexuality. (As IF, I don't do it enough already) Perhaps everyone needs to take a moment regularly and think about sex and their desires. No more dead bedroom issues, no more unsatisfactory outcomes, no more "I wish ____ would _____." Has western culture deprived us of our ability to be sexual creatures comfortably? Maybe we have allowed it so long that for some sex is more perfunctory than pleasure. Have we been convinced that sensation and the experience of physical sensation is reduced to good vs bad?

The techniques and the level of communication is still astounding to me. I love it, I really love it! I may find myself stagnated in this spot of role definition but talking about the variety of kink has taken over our sexy bed time talk so we shall see. Maybe I need to get out the chocolate syrup to mix up our vanilla. Or I may just accidentally bring home some product to try out before it gets to go on the store site. :D (Career with bene's IJS)

Perhaps kink is like a seed, it may or may not grow it just depends on whether or not you water it. Either way, it appears the more I learn the more questions I have. You know curiosity and the cat? I feel like one in a room full of rocking chairs! But it's an interesting escapade and I am really enjoying the journey and the lovely people I've gotten to meet and talk with.

One thing I will say about this adventure is that while I'm still uncommitted to the lifestyle, it sure has been enlightening and at the least has brought out some questions and aren't they really the pave-stones of the paths we choose?

This Saturday kicks off our Kinky Clause, there are 5 segments each Saturday in December at 10:00pm. This segment may be extended based on the interest and request of readers and listeners alike. The link to this weekends show is Sex Talk with Curvy Due to scheduling conflict, the initial show will be re-aired on its scheduled date rather than live. If you have any questions for our guest, please get them in to me as soon as possible.

So grab the water hose, spray me down, stay sexy, tune in for our kinky clause segments and as always...

Stay Curvy
XOXO

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

To bare

or not to bare... This is the question. There are a lot of ways to bare yourself to your lover. But the baring I'm talking about is the body bare. ;) getting' nakie, nude, naked, without clothing, baring the goodies, flashing the stuff, showing the cookie. How ever you term it getting naked in front of our lovers can be both exhilarating and intimidating. (Unless you're a professional model or dancer! IJS)


Awesome image post on tumblr by SlowRider655

Now I can only write from the aspect of a woman, but I have to imagine that the gamut of emotions we run through when getting naked has to be similar to that of what men must go through as well. It's serious business getting naked in front of someone. (and big business as well) It takes some courage and for me at least took a few years of small steps to get comfortable just being naked in the presence of my honey outside the purpose of sex that is.

It's relatively easy to get naked for sex, but being naked and getting naked just for the sake of being and getting naked is a stretch for most people I talk with. Also, appropriate times for nakedness can be hard to come by if you have a family. IJS, no one really wants to sit down at the dinner table on fried chicken night with nakedness all about. Now desert night while the kids are at camp, sure go for it.

I think it may be more our culture that makes us weary of being naked just for the sake of being naked. Yet, we are bombarded with near nudity fairly regularly, we contend back and forth about the human form and what should and should not be displayed. We can all appreciate the human body in one way or another it's a beautiful thing.

We find ourselves easily getting naked to shower or bathe, near naked for a dip in the pool or beach, and lingerie only adds to the sexiness of our naked. Still, getting naked just to be naked is something that we often avoid, don't ever even think about or find ourselves skeeved out by the suggestion. Now, I've read lots of material on the benefits of being naked, brought to you by the good people who gave us the Kama Sutra (you're welcome). I've also read a mountain of Cosmo's giving us instruction on how to strip etc...

I forever it seemed would try these tips and tricks only to fall flat on my face, dive beet red under the covers or make a mad dash to the light switch to turn it off. It wasn't until I decided to just be naked for a half an hour every other day for no reason other than being naked. It's a strange thing to think about and make a conscious decision to do I know, hello, Hi, I'm me, have we met?

Anyhoo, I did this only for me and not for any sexual purpose, trust me. Honey came home, found me naked as a jaybird sprawled out on the chaise reading a book on JavaScript having a peppermint mocha and listening to Etta James. NOT IN MY PLANS for the day. Nor was the explanation as to why exactly I was in the condition mentioned earlier. But he's French, and I'm odd so the end result was both of us sprawled out naked on the chaise, sharing (not happy about) my peppermint mocha, reading our respective pieces of literature (or instruction) listening to Etta James. This was 5 years into our relationship and he mentioned that he had never actually seen me lights on, no reason, relaxed & just naked. He said it was the most beautiful image he ever saw and of course this led to sex, but aside from that it was the naturality of the state I was in that was the beauty of it all.

I've said it a million times, I'm a curvy chicka, big butt & boobs with thick thighs. So for me, being comfortable in the nude was hard to do, at first. It took a lot to be able to stand in front of a full length mirror naked and see all the flaws and self-perceived imperfections. I'll never be a super model, nor a not so super model, but for the most part becoming comfortable naked was for me:

Learning to accept my body (easier said than done)
Doing everything I can to be healthy (eating well and exercise)
Accepting that we are all built differently (any image will show this fact, accepting it meh, that's iffy)

I got to review all my scars. Yes snakes do bite people on the butt when they are peeing in the woods. (IJS) Yes, scratching poison ivy relentlessly for days on end will end up in scaring the skin. Yes small dogs teeth attached to an ankle does scar. Finally, yes that random puberty induced zit that you pick at will leave a scar. Then the honey and I got to spend time comparing scars and laughing at the memories. It was this second that I became comfortable with being naked, in more that the physical way, with another person. It's the best feeling in the world! It's being vulnerable, honest, open and naked!!!!

So I've put together my lists of 5's: Five things that keep us from being naked for no reason, Five benefits of being naked for no reason, Five ways to get comfortable being naked for no reason. Buckle up, here we go...

Five things that keep us from being naked for no reason.

1. Self Perception. The way we see ourselves is often in the harshest light possible. We are so prone to see only our flaws, anything else I was taught was vanity. So I say to hell with that, we all have the right to love ourselves; flaws, scars, curves, beauty all of it and all at the same time.

2. The way we believe others see us. This is a big one, and hard to get past. Simply put if someone is in that close of a proximity to you and they are judging you on your body, show em the door and be naked when you do it!

3. Privacy. Yes, being naked should probably be done in private space. Though, in many cultures naked is accepted and good. It's the level of prudishness that our society has placed on us that makes this a requirement. I can talk about how easy it is to walk nude on a beach in France, except I can't because it's so ingrained in my psyche that I can't do it.

4. Appropriateness. Is it ok to be naked for reasons other than washing and sex? I wouldn't suggest standing over the fireplace or splitting wood in the nude. No need to watch the newest scooby doo with your kiddies in the nude, but outside of exposing yourself to children or the unsuspecting neighbor WHY NOT?

5. Comfort. It's easier to be comfortable in a pair of yoga pants and loose-fitting t-shirt, sure, but you're not naked.

Five benefits of being naked for no reason.

1. Confidence. If you can get comfortable being in your own skin, and I mean only your skin, your confidence level is forced to rise, begrudgingly perhaps. Lets face it, we wear things to accentuate the positive, to bring out those parts of us we are comfortable with. Being nude for no reason puts it all out there, our small or large butts and our knobby knees or what ever part we keep trying to hide.

2. Air. Exposed skin absorbs more nutrients! Also, being without clothing allows your skin to BREATHE. Without air, we would die and when we leave the largest organ (our skin) bound up covered with layer upon layer or air blocking clothes our skin suffocates. Clothing also "holds in" natural body odors, causes sweat to become stale and stinky. Fresh air combats the odor molecules that can accumulate on the skin and in our body hair.

3. UV Light. If you know of or suffer from the "Winter Blues", this is a vitamin D deficiency that happens because the sun is out for shorter periods. The skin transforms sun light into vitamin D and in turn vitamin D helps the body to regulate calcium & phospahte levels. AND (yes there's more) The light that gives you a tan also destroys the bacteria that gives you acne.

4. Blood flow. Bra straps, tight elastic bands, tight-fitting anything restricts the blood flow. Better blood flow and circulation is key to a healthy heart.

5. Weight. Metabolism and digestion are improved because the waist is not in a constant state of being bound. Organs are able to shift to their pre-restrictive clothing permitted positions. The mental and emotional benefit also increases our desire to exercise & eat right(Double edged sword there).

Five ways to get comfortable being naked for no reason.

1. Take small steps in private. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you will be able to be comfortable in the presence of another person while nude.

2. Spend a moment after your shower or bath. Let your body air dry, less those parts that take too long (under the breast, the genital, between the toes) This is not only good for the skin, but it gives you those few moments being naked for no reason other than you have to dry off!

3. Find something beautiful about your own body. Focus on this. Adore this. Let your confidence grow in this one area and watch it seed and grow throughout your body. All things start pretty small, confidence is the same in this aspect. It can be as simple as a small beauty mark that sits in an alluring place, your eyes, what ever it is. Every person has something about them that is beautiful!

4. Sleeping nude or near nude. Take a short nap if you sleep with a partner, and do it nude. If you can't do this, find something as close to nude as you can get. A huge t-shirt and no skivvies will work. OR talk to your partner, see how they feel about having a nude night in bed. Not necessarily for sex, but for sleeping. Sleeping with a partner in the nude is less intimidating that standing in front of them in the nude, you can pull that sheet in close and have a modicum of coverage but YOU are still nude.

5. Exfoliate, groom, mani/pedi and tint if necessary. Keeping the skin exfoliated is a huge part in keeping us comfortable in the nude. Grooming goes a long way in creating a higher comfort level, even for those out there who choose a natural state, trimming is a great practice. Mani/Pedi both men and women can benefit from this, keeping our hands and feet well maintained just feels good. I love extending a well manicured hand when meeting someone (with my clothes on!). Tint, we all have to moisturize our skin, if you have uneven skin tone or texture, there are some great tinted moisturizers that are body safe. There's an old saying, if you can't tone it, tan it. True statement.

So get naked, get comfortable, stay sexy and as always...


Stay Curvy
XOXO

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Gender Identity Resources

Last night I had the pleasure of chatting with an awesome transsexual woman. She is fun, intelligent, beautiful and very much as a woman as I am. I however had the luxury that most of us enjoy in that I was born with my physical sex matching my mental and emotional sex. I've never been uncomfortable in my own skin, I've never felt torn between what I can physically see and what I emotionally and mentally know to be true.

I can't tell you how much my research into transgender issues and gender identity has affected me. I do have a whole new understanding of some very serious issues facing our lovely sisters and brothers out there. 41% of the transgender population in the United States have attempted suicide according to www.livescience.com. When my guest indicated that she was to the point of detachment and ready to be done with the struggle it nearly broke my heart.



Then it kind of pissed me off because she had done nothing wrong! She struggled to hide, suppress, repress and otherwise deny who she was and for what? The sake of society being comfortable with her being a part of it. Let me say that again in bossy caps... SHE HAD TO HIDE, SUPPRESS, REPRESS AND DENY WHO SHE WAS FOR THE SAKE OF SOCIETIES COMFORT. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who can see how wrong that is. It's not the individual (in this instance) who needs to change who they are (they are not criminal or deviant), its society that needs to change how it views its members.

Our brothers and sisters are being marginalized, trivialized and sexualized by a self proclaimed all inclusive society. Well naysayers, cry me a freaking river! My transgender brothers and sisters are just as valuable to society as every other member of that society! The only perversion with this condition is the way the non-affected choose to view those transgender members of society.

So anyhoo, before I go off on another "asshat" episode (which by the way I did get into trouble for hehe) Let me do what I intended to do at the very beginning of this episode. Share some resources. If you know someone who is struggling and doesn't have access to the internet, print out the phone numbers for them.

CenterLink This awesome link has a map of LGBT centers nation wide.

Gender Talk offers up a huge resource asset.

The HRC a hugely active association with news etc...

GLAAD's Transgender Resources page.

Susan's Place another great Transgender resource page.

TransEquality is a National Organisation dedicated to establishing Equality for Transgender people.

The Transgender Center offers even more resources and the awesome Gender Bill of Rights by JoAnn Roberts Ph.D

More Light Presbyterians is an awesome organization that promotes acceptance and provides guides for spiritual leaders to be inclusive of ALL people. (Kudos to MLP!)

AAMFT provides links to counseling services for the Transgender person, their family etc...

The Trevor Project The Trevor Project, if you or someone you know is in crisis please contact The Trevor Project here or at 866-488-7386 or contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

Employers with Transgender Friendly Policies This says it all.

Sex Talk with Curvy : Gender Identity Yes, shameless self promotion! :D A girl has to do what a girl has to do. Karin is really exceptional and an inspiration!

I said in this episode that I would gather resources, here they are. One thing I do want to point out to people is this, if you know someone who is dealing with gender identity issues share these resources with them. If you are a family member of someone who is dealing with gender identity issues, read these. If you are interested in activism and openly supporting our Transgender brothers and sisters, get involved. If you are one of the referenced "asshats" cut it the F out! Seriously. We don't like it!

It's so much easier to be who you are, to be true to yourself than it is to try to please the whole of society. (It can't be done anyway) So promote what you love, promote the rights of others it's so much easier than fighting against something. If you think about it there is so much negativity in this world, if we all quit fighting the things we don't like and started promoting those things we wish to be implemented life would be so much more peaceful and fulfilling.

So in that spirit, I promise not to call anyone an asshat (for being an asshat) for the next 60 minutes. Now I need to go lock myself in my bedroom and make sure to have all electronical (yes it's made up) things turned off so I can keep my promise. :D

Stay true to who you ARE, stay sexy, stay strong and as always...


Stay Curvy!
XOXO

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Gender Identity

We are going live with a guest tonight. www.blogtalkradio.com/curvies The topic is Gender Identity and our guest is a lovely transssexual MtF who will be walking us through the process and helping us understand some of the issues facing the TG community.

I was shocked at the amount of violence directed toward these individuals. People seriously need to cut if the F out! I read that one in 12 transgender women are murdered and it rises to one in eight if you are a transgender woman of color.

So tonight we are going to dispel some myth, and hopefully offer up some personal experience and guidance to anyone struggling. I will be posting here after we wrap up some national trans hotlines, webpages etc... for people who are interested.

People are people and we cannot consider ourselves evolved until we learn to stop killing each other over our differences.