Hi there kinksters! I hope you all survived the holiday season relatively unmarred. Or at least have some great stories as to where you got the new scars!
2013 is so far starting out pretty well for us as we had our first KinkEnd show on Friday, check it out here! KinkEnd is a weekly show where Curvy and myself talk about different aspects of kink culture and BDSM. Last week's show was an introduction to Power Exchange.
Power exchange is one of those terms that if heard out of context can mean so many different things to so many different people but in terms of kink culture it is used to describe a relationship where one person holds a majority of the power. A good easy example is the D/s, or dominant/submissive, relationship where the Dominant partner has more power than the submissive does through mutual agreement.
There are any number of different types of power exchange relationships. There are no set rules or standards that need to be fulfilled to qualify. Some relationships are based on one person having virtually all of the power over the other(s) as would be seen in a Master/Mistress and slave relationship. Other relationships are more situational confining the exchange to only certain times or places such as a D/s couple that only takes place in the bedroom.
It may not be for everyone, but it's something that many people find to be sexy and worth trying out.
To learn more about Power Exchange relationships give the show a listen. We hope you enjoy it!
If you have any questions about Power Exchange let me know in the comment section below.
KinkEnd's next show is an Introduction to Sensation and Pain play. And I have to say, as a sadist I'm rather looking forward to this one! :D
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture,
alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel
free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.comdarr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our
best to answer them. You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure. Also be sure to check out our sister blog over on wordpress curviesmuses.com
Those of you that are interested in
reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to
reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
Showing posts with label BDSM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BDSM. Show all posts
Monday, January 7, 2013
Friday, December 21, 2012
BDSM and Aftercare
I wrote this essay earlier this year to help people understand that there's more to BDSM than just "slap and tickle" and SEX++. You can read more of my writings on our sister blog here at curviesmuses.com.
---------------------------
There is a mantra in the kinky corners of the world, “communication is key”. It’s actually one of the pillars of any relationship based in BDSM. Specifically it’s important to not just have communication but open and honest communication. A great many people, those both established and newish to the scene, may take this idea to mean that it is a way to tell people what you want. This is only half the reason open and honest communication is important. The other side of the coin is just as important, if not more so, since it deals with letting others know what you NEED.
There are times when it’s so easy to let your partner know what it is that you want from them. “Move here”, “Do this”, “hurt there”, “suck that”. It might be quite a breakthrough for many to get to that point and it should in no way be dismissed as wonderful, but when it comes to telling people what you need it can be a bit trickier.
Since “need” is such a primal influence on us it is also, by definition, a very personal thing and typically not something that is easy to share. Some of you will know and understand when I use the word “need”. You’ll understand that I’m not talking about how you “need” a cupcake or “need” a new pair of shoes. I’m talking about a need so base in yourself that you may not understand it yourself. A need to submit, to dominate, to hurt or be hurt or any number of other common (or hell, uncommon) needs.. You may not ever know WHY you have this need, but it is there regardless of what your mind thinks or does. That is a need that can be quite hard to convey to someone else, not just because it’s hard to wrap your mind around but also because it is so hard to put into words.
These needs are nothing to be ashamed of as I hope each of you understands. But that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to deal with in terms of communicating within relationships.
So we all try, to the best of our abilities, to be open and honest with our friends and partners about what it is that we NEED. Some of what we need spills out in conversations, some through negotiation. There will be times that your partner will guess at what you need so that you’ll never have to actually voice it aloud. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, you’ll have a partner that can just read your body or your mind and help you achieve what you need.
Then again, there will be times when you will have to state plainly what it is that you need.
For most people negotiating a scene can be fun, if somewhat clinical. It’s the start of something new and exciting! You’re going to be playing or scening with someone and allowing them to get close to you in a way that not many can. So maybe this is where you allow yourself to start talking about your needs. Take me for example; when I negotiate a scene I am sure to tell my scene partner that I NEED to be able to talk and joke with them during the scene. That is something that took me years to figure out that is very important to me, on a psychological level. I NEED to be able to talk to them and check in with how they are doing, so if I am not able to communicate with them during a scene I know that I WILL have a problem.
So in this time of talking and negotiating, of communicating openly and honestly, many people focus on their immediate needs. They focus on what they want and need to feel during the scene. That’s to be expected! Hell, encouraged!
The problem arises when we don’t look at our needs close enough to see what we will need afterwards. What will we need once the cuffs come off and the floggers are put away.
As some of you may know I was trained in BDSM and mentored under an Old Guard Master and his boy. I was taught so many things by these wonderful men. From how tos, to philosophies to phrases and more. But one thing I was taught that I have found serves me more than all the rest combined is “the scene is only over when everyone is safe”.
This was my first introduction to aftercare. Aftercare is the process of making sure that those involved in a scene are happy, healthy and safe after the “scene” ends.
As a top there are a number of things that I look to immediately after the physical scene ends. I look to be sure my partner is hydrated, water is best but anything non-alcoholic as needed. I make sure they are warm, either blankets, towels or even putting clothes on them. I make sure to TALK to them for a while after (unless they request quiet) to be sure they can think and speak as per normal. I make sure that I did not cross any boundaries, lines or limits with them and that they are unharmed. Obviously the situation may change from scene to scene and from partner to partner, but these are the things that I need to do for my own sake as well as for theirs.
That’s right. I NEED to do these things after a scene. I also NEED to talk to them over the next few days. To make sure that if they drop I am there to help in whatever way I can. There are other things I NEED in aftercare as well but the point is that these needs are no less important than my need to talk during a scene. In many ways my aftercare needs are MORE important because they make sure that I am able to play and scene again without fear of doing harm.
Some people think that when a scene is over, that’s it. Time to move on since everyone, hopefully, got their jollies. The problem is that if a scene went perfectly people’s needs were fulfilled in exciting and dynamic ways that can have lasting effects physically, emotionally and mentally. If a scene did NOT go perfectly. . . well, it’s almost a guarantee that there will be lasting effects.
Some people will need more aftercare than others. I know some people that negotiate hours of cuddling and talking after a physical scene is finished else they don’t play. I also know some that want to be left strictly alone for at LEAST 30 minutes to compose themselves and then just have a smoke and a smile. What people NEED to process a scene will obviously differ depending on the scene and the person. But what is important to remember is that these needs should never be forgotten nor overlooked.
So if you are new to BDSM take some time and think about not just what you want, but what you need to feel the way you want. Do NOT be afraid to ask for what you need, in a scene or after a scene. If you NEED to be bound and whipped, say so! If you NEED to be held and told that you were such a good sub afterwards, SAY SO! If you NEED to just hear that you’re still friends and get a pat on the rear, say so.
When dealing with the things that we do it becomes very important that need outweigh embarrassment. After all, we all NEED you to be safe so that we can all have fun!
-------------
I hope that I was able to answer the question, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these things.
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our best to answer them. You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure.
Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
---------------------------
There is a mantra in the kinky corners of the world, “communication is key”. It’s actually one of the pillars of any relationship based in BDSM. Specifically it’s important to not just have communication but open and honest communication. A great many people, those both established and newish to the scene, may take this idea to mean that it is a way to tell people what you want. This is only half the reason open and honest communication is important. The other side of the coin is just as important, if not more so, since it deals with letting others know what you NEED.
There are times when it’s so easy to let your partner know what it is that you want from them. “Move here”, “Do this”, “hurt there”, “suck that”. It might be quite a breakthrough for many to get to that point and it should in no way be dismissed as wonderful, but when it comes to telling people what you need it can be a bit trickier.
Since “need” is such a primal influence on us it is also, by definition, a very personal thing and typically not something that is easy to share. Some of you will know and understand when I use the word “need”. You’ll understand that I’m not talking about how you “need” a cupcake or “need” a new pair of shoes. I’m talking about a need so base in yourself that you may not understand it yourself. A need to submit, to dominate, to hurt or be hurt or any number of other common (or hell, uncommon) needs.. You may not ever know WHY you have this need, but it is there regardless of what your mind thinks or does. That is a need that can be quite hard to convey to someone else, not just because it’s hard to wrap your mind around but also because it is so hard to put into words.
These needs are nothing to be ashamed of as I hope each of you understands. But that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to deal with in terms of communicating within relationships.
So we all try, to the best of our abilities, to be open and honest with our friends and partners about what it is that we NEED. Some of what we need spills out in conversations, some through negotiation. There will be times that your partner will guess at what you need so that you’ll never have to actually voice it aloud. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, you’ll have a partner that can just read your body or your mind and help you achieve what you need.
Then again, there will be times when you will have to state plainly what it is that you need.
For most people negotiating a scene can be fun, if somewhat clinical. It’s the start of something new and exciting! You’re going to be playing or scening with someone and allowing them to get close to you in a way that not many can. So maybe this is where you allow yourself to start talking about your needs. Take me for example; when I negotiate a scene I am sure to tell my scene partner that I NEED to be able to talk and joke with them during the scene. That is something that took me years to figure out that is very important to me, on a psychological level. I NEED to be able to talk to them and check in with how they are doing, so if I am not able to communicate with them during a scene I know that I WILL have a problem.
So in this time of talking and negotiating, of communicating openly and honestly, many people focus on their immediate needs. They focus on what they want and need to feel during the scene. That’s to be expected! Hell, encouraged!
The problem arises when we don’t look at our needs close enough to see what we will need afterwards. What will we need once the cuffs come off and the floggers are put away.
As some of you may know I was trained in BDSM and mentored under an Old Guard Master and his boy. I was taught so many things by these wonderful men. From how tos, to philosophies to phrases and more. But one thing I was taught that I have found serves me more than all the rest combined is “the scene is only over when everyone is safe”.
This was my first introduction to aftercare. Aftercare is the process of making sure that those involved in a scene are happy, healthy and safe after the “scene” ends.
As a top there are a number of things that I look to immediately after the physical scene ends. I look to be sure my partner is hydrated, water is best but anything non-alcoholic as needed. I make sure they are warm, either blankets, towels or even putting clothes on them. I make sure to TALK to them for a while after (unless they request quiet) to be sure they can think and speak as per normal. I make sure that I did not cross any boundaries, lines or limits with them and that they are unharmed. Obviously the situation may change from scene to scene and from partner to partner, but these are the things that I need to do for my own sake as well as for theirs.
That’s right. I NEED to do these things after a scene. I also NEED to talk to them over the next few days. To make sure that if they drop I am there to help in whatever way I can. There are other things I NEED in aftercare as well but the point is that these needs are no less important than my need to talk during a scene. In many ways my aftercare needs are MORE important because they make sure that I am able to play and scene again without fear of doing harm.
Some people think that when a scene is over, that’s it. Time to move on since everyone, hopefully, got their jollies. The problem is that if a scene went perfectly people’s needs were fulfilled in exciting and dynamic ways that can have lasting effects physically, emotionally and mentally. If a scene did NOT go perfectly. . . well, it’s almost a guarantee that there will be lasting effects.
Some people will need more aftercare than others. I know some people that negotiate hours of cuddling and talking after a physical scene is finished else they don’t play. I also know some that want to be left strictly alone for at LEAST 30 minutes to compose themselves and then just have a smoke and a smile. What people NEED to process a scene will obviously differ depending on the scene and the person. But what is important to remember is that these needs should never be forgotten nor overlooked.
So if you are new to BDSM take some time and think about not just what you want, but what you need to feel the way you want. Do NOT be afraid to ask for what you need, in a scene or after a scene. If you NEED to be bound and whipped, say so! If you NEED to be held and told that you were such a good sub afterwards, SAY SO! If you NEED to just hear that you’re still friends and get a pat on the rear, say so.
When dealing with the things that we do it becomes very important that need outweigh embarrassment. After all, we all NEED you to be safe so that we can all have fun!
-------------
I hope that I was able to answer the question, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these things.
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our best to answer them. You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure.
Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
Friday, December 14, 2012
Dangerous "Webmasters"
Per request this is an essay I wrote about "Webmasters" early this year and was mentioned on the first radio show I did with Curvy.
Let me preface this post by saying I don’t expect
everyone to like it, nor agree with what I have to say. This may well
be more rant than essay by the time I’m done.
There’s a distinct line of demarcation in BDSM. It’s not the line of tops and bottoms, or slaves and masters, nor even pain and pleasure. Sure, those lines do exist but to a much lower degree than what I am discussing. Every day there are people that switch roles or sides of the slash that they want to try out or experiment with. But this line I’m talking about is something that many only feel comfortable on one side or the other, and if and when they DO cross. . . things are never the same.
The line I’m talking about is the internet. When someone steps across the line from reading and typing about something online and actually doing it in real life they’ve crossed the line.
It honestly shocks me whenever I read or hear about someone saying they have years of experience in BDSM but only tack on “online” when prompted or pushed. As if there’s not a difference between reading something and DOING something. You cannot learn how to throw a flogger by reading about it, you cannot understand how to cane someone by watching a video, you cannot take part in a knife scene by typing “I take out my knife”.
Now I’m fully aware that I am of that weird age right now where I grew up without the internet at my fingertips. I didn’t have three computers, a few laptops, a smartphone and a computer lab at school at all times. When I needed to research something I didn’t just “wiki” it, I actually had to REASEARCH it. That being said though, I built my first computer when I was 12 years old and followed the development of the internet with avid interest.
What scares the living fuck out of me is where the internet has brought BDSM. I’m not talking about the chat rooms or the forums. I’m talking about a subspecies of the BDSM practitioners.
The “webmasters”.
These people have little to no real world experience yet demand titles and rights, virtually of course, from all they happen to run across on the ‘net. They’ve “been in the scene” from anywhere from birth to age 15 and will list out any number of “skills” they possess. Needless to say they won’t tell you that they’ve never held a crop in their hand in their life.
These people are dangerous.
Not in the “cool and sexy” way dangerous, but more like the “I need therapy and a restraining order” dangerous.
Many times these webmasters spend no effort in learning about what BDSM is and can be, they are either basing their ideas on stories they may have read or just porn they’ve fapped to. They don’t understand the basics of kink like aftercare, negotiation, respect and they sure as hell don’t get the more intricate aspects like timing, limits, pushing and experience. All they know is that they can live out the fantasies in their mind by typing or speaking. They don’t REALLY have to worry about the person on the other end of the ‘net. . . I mean they WANT this right?
I want to be clear here. I’m not talking about people that are in a kinky long distance relationship (LDR). There is a significant difference between an LDR between two people that are making an effort to be together despite the distance and someone that’s abusive to people they barely know via the internet.
Now I don’t care if there are claims of “But I don’t want to be part of the community” or “The local scene is stupid” or even “There aren’t any kinksters near me”. NONE of that matters when it comes to how you present yourself and how you treat others in a virtual community.
So let me piss off a whole bunch of people here: Online “experience” doesn’t count for shit.
Seriously, if you’ve never had a scene in real life, never topped or bottomed in a scene YOU DO NOT HAVE EXPERIENCE. What you have is random knowledge. More than likely misinformed and piecemeal knowledge that can cause dangerous situations when applied in either a virtual “scene” or your first real world scene.
But let me get practical here. Who cares what these random assholes claim or do? I do, and you should as well. These are the people that lurk on the forums and on the dating websites. Looking for new people that don’t know any better than to ask the right questions. These webmasters will PM or message someone with grandiose claims with demands of obedience or servitude and the new person, not knowing any better, will fall for it. Their first foray into BDSM will be with someone that doesn’t know what the fuck they are doing yet claim to be a “master” with 167 years experience. So now when this webmaster commands this new person to do unhealthy and dangerous things since they’ve “done this hundreds of times before” the new person, who WOULD have been a wonderful addition to the BDSM scene, is harmed, shamed and disgusted with the very idea of kink. All because some jackass wanted to get their rocks off.
I have personally talked to people that have been physically, mentally, emotionally and intellectually abused and damaged by people just like this. They’ve been people on BOTH sides of the slash. I’ve talked to bottoms that were literally scarred by what was done to them in the name of “learning”. I’ve talked to tops that ended up in therapy due to bottoms that were too demanding.
It may be true that the internet is a safer place than it was 20 years ago, but there are still places where the dangers are a real thing. BDSM is one of those places. Kink is one of those things that many people want and desire a level of anonymity when starting out and for some throughout their entire kinky career. Yet anonymity can hide a multitude of faults.
Time after time I read here about people asking questions, which is AWESOME by the way, about how to get started in kink. But I also read a disturbing amount of topics about how people dismiss communities and “real world” activities for various reasons. So many times I cringe while reading those types of posts since I am then forced to wonder. . . where did they get their experience?
I’m not saying that anyone not involved in a real world community is dangerous, although I’ve stated before it’s a red flag for me, nor that those people should be shunned. I’m saying that these “webmasters” are a danger to everyone. Not just new people, but to those of us that are established as well. They are the ones that end up in newspapers under headlines reading “Sex Play Has Tragic Consequences” or “Abuse Victim Met Attacker Online”. These webmasters don’t just give BDSM a bad name they are taking people out of kink altogether. They are making our kinky world smaller with ever badly type command and typo ridden PM.
Why should they care after all? There will always be someone else logging on for the first time. There will always be someone else that doesn’t know enough to ask questions. There will always be those that want to believe and to belong. So who cares that they’ve damaged and harmed some random person on the ‘net. They just need to wait and try again with the next fresh face.
------------------------------------
Please feel free to send any comments or questions to darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com
Until next time kinksters, stay safe and have fun!
DS
There’s a distinct line of demarcation in BDSM. It’s not the line of tops and bottoms, or slaves and masters, nor even pain and pleasure. Sure, those lines do exist but to a much lower degree than what I am discussing. Every day there are people that switch roles or sides of the slash that they want to try out or experiment with. But this line I’m talking about is something that many only feel comfortable on one side or the other, and if and when they DO cross. . . things are never the same.
The line I’m talking about is the internet. When someone steps across the line from reading and typing about something online and actually doing it in real life they’ve crossed the line.
It honestly shocks me whenever I read or hear about someone saying they have years of experience in BDSM but only tack on “online” when prompted or pushed. As if there’s not a difference between reading something and DOING something. You cannot learn how to throw a flogger by reading about it, you cannot understand how to cane someone by watching a video, you cannot take part in a knife scene by typing “I take out my knife”.
Now I’m fully aware that I am of that weird age right now where I grew up without the internet at my fingertips. I didn’t have three computers, a few laptops, a smartphone and a computer lab at school at all times. When I needed to research something I didn’t just “wiki” it, I actually had to REASEARCH it. That being said though, I built my first computer when I was 12 years old and followed the development of the internet with avid interest.
What scares the living fuck out of me is where the internet has brought BDSM. I’m not talking about the chat rooms or the forums. I’m talking about a subspecies of the BDSM practitioners.
The “webmasters”.
These people have little to no real world experience yet demand titles and rights, virtually of course, from all they happen to run across on the ‘net. They’ve “been in the scene” from anywhere from birth to age 15 and will list out any number of “skills” they possess. Needless to say they won’t tell you that they’ve never held a crop in their hand in their life.
These people are dangerous.
Not in the “cool and sexy” way dangerous, but more like the “I need therapy and a restraining order” dangerous.
Many times these webmasters spend no effort in learning about what BDSM is and can be, they are either basing their ideas on stories they may have read or just porn they’ve fapped to. They don’t understand the basics of kink like aftercare, negotiation, respect and they sure as hell don’t get the more intricate aspects like timing, limits, pushing and experience. All they know is that they can live out the fantasies in their mind by typing or speaking. They don’t REALLY have to worry about the person on the other end of the ‘net. . . I mean they WANT this right?
I want to be clear here. I’m not talking about people that are in a kinky long distance relationship (LDR). There is a significant difference between an LDR between two people that are making an effort to be together despite the distance and someone that’s abusive to people they barely know via the internet.
Now I don’t care if there are claims of “But I don’t want to be part of the community” or “The local scene is stupid” or even “There aren’t any kinksters near me”. NONE of that matters when it comes to how you present yourself and how you treat others in a virtual community.
So let me piss off a whole bunch of people here: Online “experience” doesn’t count for shit.
Seriously, if you’ve never had a scene in real life, never topped or bottomed in a scene YOU DO NOT HAVE EXPERIENCE. What you have is random knowledge. More than likely misinformed and piecemeal knowledge that can cause dangerous situations when applied in either a virtual “scene” or your first real world scene.
But let me get practical here. Who cares what these random assholes claim or do? I do, and you should as well. These are the people that lurk on the forums and on the dating websites. Looking for new people that don’t know any better than to ask the right questions. These webmasters will PM or message someone with grandiose claims with demands of obedience or servitude and the new person, not knowing any better, will fall for it. Their first foray into BDSM will be with someone that doesn’t know what the fuck they are doing yet claim to be a “master” with 167 years experience. So now when this webmaster commands this new person to do unhealthy and dangerous things since they’ve “done this hundreds of times before” the new person, who WOULD have been a wonderful addition to the BDSM scene, is harmed, shamed and disgusted with the very idea of kink. All because some jackass wanted to get their rocks off.
I have personally talked to people that have been physically, mentally, emotionally and intellectually abused and damaged by people just like this. They’ve been people on BOTH sides of the slash. I’ve talked to bottoms that were literally scarred by what was done to them in the name of “learning”. I’ve talked to tops that ended up in therapy due to bottoms that were too demanding.
It may be true that the internet is a safer place than it was 20 years ago, but there are still places where the dangers are a real thing. BDSM is one of those places. Kink is one of those things that many people want and desire a level of anonymity when starting out and for some throughout their entire kinky career. Yet anonymity can hide a multitude of faults.
Time after time I read here about people asking questions, which is AWESOME by the way, about how to get started in kink. But I also read a disturbing amount of topics about how people dismiss communities and “real world” activities for various reasons. So many times I cringe while reading those types of posts since I am then forced to wonder. . . where did they get their experience?
I’m not saying that anyone not involved in a real world community is dangerous, although I’ve stated before it’s a red flag for me, nor that those people should be shunned. I’m saying that these “webmasters” are a danger to everyone. Not just new people, but to those of us that are established as well. They are the ones that end up in newspapers under headlines reading “Sex Play Has Tragic Consequences” or “Abuse Victim Met Attacker Online”. These webmasters don’t just give BDSM a bad name they are taking people out of kink altogether. They are making our kinky world smaller with ever badly type command and typo ridden PM.
Why should they care after all? There will always be someone else logging on for the first time. There will always be someone else that doesn’t know enough to ask questions. There will always be those that want to believe and to belong. So who cares that they’ve damaged and harmed some random person on the ‘net. They just need to wait and try again with the next fresh face.
------------------------------------
Please feel free to send any comments or questions to darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com
Until next time kinksters, stay safe and have fun!
DS
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
As if it weren't enough...
in January we are expanding our podcasts on blog talk radio! (hey I'm payin for it might as well use it!)
So our line up is as follows:
Romantic Wednesday: All you authors out there come chat with me about your work, published and upcoming books, ebooks, erotica, erotic poetry etc... Every Wednesday we'll be talking about some sexy read.
Sex Toy Thursday: We are working on gathering the most innovative, sexy, fun & functional sex toy manufacturers to talk about their toys. On the market or soon to be released. ( I ♥ sex toyzzzzzz )
It's the KinkEnd Fridays: Because a KinkEnd is so much more fun than a regular weekend. On Fridays we will be talking all things kinky! We are going to dig deep into topics such as Power Play, Pain Play, Bondage and Role Play as well as other forms of kink and how to get your kinky on.
Sex Talk Saturday: In January we are going to tackle some pretty hard-hitting topics like Sex after Sexual Trauma: Getting your sexy back! We'll be having on Montique of Zinity Fitness and talk about their performance enhancing exercise routine! We are also working on getting on live a Doctor to discuss some signs of sexual dysfunction, a Pharmacist to discuss sexual side-effects of some common pharmaceutical treatments and possibly, just maybe a super awesome holistic health practitioner to go over some alternative methods to deal with sexual issues.
Gonna be a busy year 2013, assuming I survive the zombies (IJS hehe)
So our line up is as follows:
Romantic Wednesday: All you authors out there come chat with me about your work, published and upcoming books, ebooks, erotica, erotic poetry etc... Every Wednesday we'll be talking about some sexy read.
Sex Toy Thursday: We are working on gathering the most innovative, sexy, fun & functional sex toy manufacturers to talk about their toys. On the market or soon to be released. ( I ♥ sex toyzzzzzz )
It's the KinkEnd Fridays: Because a KinkEnd is so much more fun than a regular weekend. On Fridays we will be talking all things kinky! We are going to dig deep into topics such as Power Play, Pain Play, Bondage and Role Play as well as other forms of kink and how to get your kinky on.
Sex Talk Saturday: In January we are going to tackle some pretty hard-hitting topics like Sex after Sexual Trauma: Getting your sexy back! We'll be having on Montique of Zinity Fitness and talk about their performance enhancing exercise routine! We are also working on getting on live a Doctor to discuss some signs of sexual dysfunction, a Pharmacist to discuss sexual side-effects of some common pharmaceutical treatments and possibly, just maybe a super awesome holistic health practitioner to go over some alternative methods to deal with sexual issues.
Gonna be a busy year 2013, assuming I survive the zombies (IJS hehe)
Monday, December 10, 2012
Enter the sadist. . .
Hi there folks! I'm Darr Syn. Recently I had the chance to chat with Curvy for over an hour and a half about kink and the BDSM world as a whole on her last radio show last Saturday. I know that I had a blast and was working hard to show people a more realistic side of sadism, but also give them the information that they’re looking for and answer their questions. Well, I think we were having way too much fun and left the audience wanting way too much. So I have signed on to guest blog for Curvy, presenting a kinky perspective and maybe write some articles answering those questions we didn’t have a chance to address in the show as well as any questions that crop up in the future.
One of the problems about discussing BDSM and kink with those not so familiar with it is that every conversation has to start with the basics. Anytime I start trying to educate someone about kink culture and my role as a sadist, I have to make sure that they understand the terms that I will be using; words like "sadist" , "dominant", and "scene". While this is important to be sure that everyone is on the same page and able to communicate in the same language, it doesn't leave much room for questions and answers beyond the mere basics. In fact Curvy and I received quite a few questions both during the show and directly after that we just didn't have the time to address on air.
But never let it be said that I intentionally leave people wanting more! After all, as I said on the show, I'm a sadist not an asshole.
So while there were a bunch of questions that I will get to over time, two questions specifically cropped up that I wanted to address in my initial post here. The questions deal with how I as a sadist deal with abuse. Specifically I was asked:
This is a topic that I think is really important. Not just to me as a sadist, but to me as a human.
The first question, though, was rather open ended as to how "abuse" is defined can change depending on context. If I'm grocery shopping and I see a parent refusing to buy their child a candy bar we can be pretty sure that at least the child is convinced they are the victim of abuse while the rest of us smile and go on with our day. Please don't get me wrong, though, I am not making light of abuse by any stretch of the imagination. I'm merely trying to put into context that the term "abuse" can be seen in a number of different ways. Hence I will be answering this question in a number of different ways.
As much as I wish I could say differently, I have witnessed physical abuse take place in public. From a guy getting rough with his girlfriend, to a wife breaking a bottle over her husband's head. I've also seen my fair share of bar fights, slap fights, hair pulling and plain old posturing push fights.
Being the person that I am, for better or worse, I have chosen almost every time to involve myself in these situations. I will try to stop things from getting too far out of control. Sometime I have just had to call the police where those involved can hear me, other times I will try and get between those getting physical. Regardless though I can never just stand aside and allow someone to be abused. My parents raised me better than that.
While I am a sexual sadist there's a world of difference between two (or more) consenting adults deciding to engage in pain play and two (or more) people deciding to harm one another.
Just because we're kinky doesn't mean we don't have rules. That's something I want everyone to understand. Abuse can, and does, happen within kink culture and BDSM communities. Anything from untrained tops harming their scene partners to unconsensual emotional and verbal abuse to plain physical abuse within a relationship. I won't get into how prevalent it may or may not be but sufficeth to say that the vanilla world hasn't cornered the market on bad relationships quite yet.
When I see those types of things going on in the BDSM community my reactions are, generally speaking, much the same. I get involved. If it is happening at a dungeon or a play party I immediately find a Dungeon Monitor and let them know about the situation. If I don't think there is time or things have gone too far already I will stop the scene myself and try to get help as soon as possible. I would much rather be rude in those situations than wrong.
Abuse within the BDSM community and kink culture needs to be taken seriously and not just brushed under the rug. It is NOT a normal thing and is NEVER acceptable.
If I wanted I could give you my standard answer of "I get involved" but when dealing with children, especially other people's children, things get a little trickier. But honestly, I would have to get involved. If I saw a child abusing an animal I would have to intervene. Physically if necessary.
Most young children do not have the mental facilities to make determinations between the gray levels of right and wrong that most adults develop over time. Sure it is absolutely possible that the child is a budding sexual sadist and doesn't know how to express what they are feeling, but it is just as likely (if not more so) that the child is acting out based on any number of different things in their life. Regardless of reason I think it is so very important that they learn that society will not tolerate this kind of action.
I would want to, first and foremost, put a stop to the abuse taking place. No animal, person, or being, deserves to be abused and it should stop as soon as possible. Only when the situation is in control would I attempt to determine the cause and reason behind the child's actions. I would also want to find the child's parents or guardians and be sure that they are aware of what has happened. I wouldn't assume that the child was a sadist like myself any more than I would jump to that conclusion when one first grader shoves another on the playground.
Just because I'm a sadist doesn't mean that I have a license to be an abusive jerk. That's not the way things work in the BDSM world or ANY world. No matter what your sexuality, your age, your gender, your background, or your mental facilities abuse is never acceptable. Period. There are too many support groups, organizations, people, and places that are out there to think that abuse is something to be put up with or ignored.
I hope that I was able to answer these questions, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these questions.
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: Curvy or myself and we'll do our best to answer them.
Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
One of the problems about discussing BDSM and kink with those not so familiar with it is that every conversation has to start with the basics. Anytime I start trying to educate someone about kink culture and my role as a sadist, I have to make sure that they understand the terms that I will be using; words like "sadist" , "dominant", and "scene". While this is important to be sure that everyone is on the same page and able to communicate in the same language, it doesn't leave much room for questions and answers beyond the mere basics. In fact Curvy and I received quite a few questions both during the show and directly after that we just didn't have the time to address on air.
But never let it be said that I intentionally leave people wanting more! After all, as I said on the show, I'm a sadist not an asshole.
So while there were a bunch of questions that I will get to over time, two questions specifically cropped up that I wanted to address in my initial post here. The questions deal with how I as a sadist deal with abuse. Specifically I was asked:
- If you see someone being abused, what do you do?
- If you see a kid abusing an animal, what do you do?
This is a topic that I think is really important. Not just to me as a sadist, but to me as a human.
The first question, though, was rather open ended as to how "abuse" is defined can change depending on context. If I'm grocery shopping and I see a parent refusing to buy their child a candy bar we can be pretty sure that at least the child is convinced they are the victim of abuse while the rest of us smile and go on with our day. Please don't get me wrong, though, I am not making light of abuse by any stretch of the imagination. I'm merely trying to put into context that the term "abuse" can be seen in a number of different ways. Hence I will be answering this question in a number of different ways.
Physical abuse in public
As much as I wish I could say differently, I have witnessed physical abuse take place in public. From a guy getting rough with his girlfriend, to a wife breaking a bottle over her husband's head. I've also seen my fair share of bar fights, slap fights, hair pulling and plain old posturing push fights.
Being the person that I am, for better or worse, I have chosen almost every time to involve myself in these situations. I will try to stop things from getting too far out of control. Sometime I have just had to call the police where those involved can hear me, other times I will try and get between those getting physical. Regardless though I can never just stand aside and allow someone to be abused. My parents raised me better than that.
While I am a sexual sadist there's a world of difference between two (or more) consenting adults deciding to engage in pain play and two (or more) people deciding to harm one another.
Physical abuse within the BDSM world
Just because we're kinky doesn't mean we don't have rules. That's something I want everyone to understand. Abuse can, and does, happen within kink culture and BDSM communities. Anything from untrained tops harming their scene partners to unconsensual emotional and verbal abuse to plain physical abuse within a relationship. I won't get into how prevalent it may or may not be but sufficeth to say that the vanilla world hasn't cornered the market on bad relationships quite yet.
When I see those types of things going on in the BDSM community my reactions are, generally speaking, much the same. I get involved. If it is happening at a dungeon or a play party I immediately find a Dungeon Monitor and let them know about the situation. If I don't think there is time or things have gone too far already I will stop the scene myself and try to get help as soon as possible. I would much rather be rude in those situations than wrong.
Abuse within the BDSM community and kink culture needs to be taken seriously and not just brushed under the rug. It is NOT a normal thing and is NEVER acceptable.
If you see a kid abusing an animal, what do you do?
If I wanted I could give you my standard answer of "I get involved" but when dealing with children, especially other people's children, things get a little trickier. But honestly, I would have to get involved. If I saw a child abusing an animal I would have to intervene. Physically if necessary.
Most young children do not have the mental facilities to make determinations between the gray levels of right and wrong that most adults develop over time. Sure it is absolutely possible that the child is a budding sexual sadist and doesn't know how to express what they are feeling, but it is just as likely (if not more so) that the child is acting out based on any number of different things in their life. Regardless of reason I think it is so very important that they learn that society will not tolerate this kind of action.
I would want to, first and foremost, put a stop to the abuse taking place. No animal, person, or being, deserves to be abused and it should stop as soon as possible. Only when the situation is in control would I attempt to determine the cause and reason behind the child's actions. I would also want to find the child's parents or guardians and be sure that they are aware of what has happened. I wouldn't assume that the child was a sadist like myself any more than I would jump to that conclusion when one first grader shoves another on the playground.
Being kinky isn't an excuse to be abusive
Just because I'm a sadist doesn't mean that I have a license to be an abusive jerk. That's not the way things work in the BDSM world or ANY world. No matter what your sexuality, your age, your gender, your background, or your mental facilities abuse is never acceptable. Period. There are too many support groups, organizations, people, and places that are out there to think that abuse is something to be put up with or ignored.
I hope that I was able to answer these questions, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these questions.
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: Curvy or myself and we'll do our best to answer them.
Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
Friday, December 7, 2012
Sooooooo did any one see...
the last episode of Big Bang Theory?
Looks like I'm not the only one enjoying Kinky Clause! It dawned on me, that this has been the prevalent undercurrent in their relationship nearly from the beginning. Sheldon (♥ him) is the uber-controlling near (or not) megalomaniac and Amy (♥♥ her) is the happy to make him happy subject herself to his whim. (Not saying that all Dom's are megalomaniac, just in this particular case) It fits so well for them.
How funny that I never really saw that coming. When I've had to explain the subtle (and not so subtle) ways of Sheldon to the honey (Second language and all, he misses the intricacies sometimes) I've always just termed him to be that guy who has no unconscious filter. You know, that pesky thing in our brain that tells us to zip it or to stop talking.
But alas, now I have this mental picture of Shelly (Sheldon) decked out in some leather garb wielding a paddle to the rump of a prostrate bound and gagged Amy. Really, it just won't go away. Then I get a little teary thinking Sheldon & Amy may just be kinkier than I!!!!!! Well my lovelies, Challenge Accepted.
Anyhooo, be sure to tune in tomorrow for our next episode in the Kinky Clause segment. Sex Talk with Curvy We go live Saturday, December 8th at 10:00pm CST.
Get your kinky on, accept the sexuality challenge and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
Looks like I'm not the only one enjoying Kinky Clause! It dawned on me, that this has been the prevalent undercurrent in their relationship nearly from the beginning. Sheldon (♥ him) is the uber-controlling near (or not) megalomaniac and Amy (♥♥ her) is the happy to make him happy subject herself to his whim. (Not saying that all Dom's are megalomaniac, just in this particular case) It fits so well for them.
How funny that I never really saw that coming. When I've had to explain the subtle (and not so subtle) ways of Sheldon to the honey (Second language and all, he misses the intricacies sometimes) I've always just termed him to be that guy who has no unconscious filter. You know, that pesky thing in our brain that tells us to zip it or to stop talking.
But alas, now I have this mental picture of Shelly (Sheldon) decked out in some leather garb wielding a paddle to the rump of a prostrate bound and gagged Amy. Really, it just won't go away. Then I get a little teary thinking Sheldon & Amy may just be kinkier than I!!!!!! Well my lovelies, Challenge Accepted.
Anyhooo, be sure to tune in tomorrow for our next episode in the Kinky Clause segment. Sex Talk with Curvy We go live Saturday, December 8th at 10:00pm CST.
Get your kinky on, accept the sexuality challenge and as always...
Stay Curvy
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
I have something special for my lovelies
Just in time for the holidays!
Elene Sallinger has written one of the sexiest erotic novels I've ever read.
Elene Sallinger is a lover of all things lingual, a warrior of words, and a vixen of vocabulary. Her goal is to titillate, provoke, empower and move you with her work which ranges from the erotic to the dramatic and everything in between.
Elene is also the author of At Long Last available on Smashwords, and the upcoming full-length, erotic novel Doing DC from UStar Novels.
You got it, Elene Sallinger is joining us on Sex Talk with Curvy on the 22nd of December. Be sure to tune in.
I mentioned in an earlier post starting to read Awakening, I finished it in one setting, thanks to my Kindle I read in bed next to the honey. It was terribly difficult to let the man sleep through my randy read. I was mighty tempted to wake him up a couple times and say "Read, Do .... NOW" ;) (ya'll know what I'm talkin' about)
But I don't want to give too much away here, because we are gonna get to talk to the woman behind the words! Ohhhhhh I so can't wait!
If you haven't read Awakening yet, you can find it on Amazon. They have it on kindle and if you don't have a kindle you can get the kindle app for your phone.
Get the book, read & be randy :) stay sexy and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
Elene Sallinger has written one of the sexiest erotic novels I've ever read.
Elene Sallinger is a lover of all things lingual, a warrior of words, and a vixen of vocabulary. Her goal is to titillate, provoke, empower and move you with her work which ranges from the erotic to the dramatic and everything in between.
Elene is also the author of At Long Last available on Smashwords, and the upcoming full-length, erotic novel Doing DC from UStar Novels.
You got it, Elene Sallinger is joining us on Sex Talk with Curvy on the 22nd of December. Be sure to tune in.
I mentioned in an earlier post starting to read Awakening, I finished it in one setting, thanks to my Kindle I read in bed next to the honey. It was terribly difficult to let the man sleep through my randy read. I was mighty tempted to wake him up a couple times and say "Read, Do .... NOW" ;) (ya'll know what I'm talkin' about)
But I don't want to give too much away here, because we are gonna get to talk to the woman behind the words! Ohhhhhh I so can't wait!
If you haven't read Awakening yet, you can find it on Amazon. They have it on kindle and if you don't have a kindle you can get the kindle app for your phone.
Get the book, read & be randy :) stay sexy and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Anger vs Domination
I did the episode last night and kicked off Kinky Clause. One question however bothered me from the time I received it to now. It's one of those questions that just stick in someone's head and irritates the crap out of them until they've either vented it completely or gone mad fussing over it. I've said before I'm a little on the OCD side so once I get my teeth into something, it's nearly impossible for me to let it go. Call it a compulsion. Plus I really want to clear the air regarding abuse and a Dom/sub relationship.
So lets start with the quality of life and the differences between being in an abusive relationship and being in a Dom/sub relationship.
Abuse is the non-consensual violence perpetrated by one half of a couple against the other half of the couple. It is a form of control that can include physical violence, emotional violence, financial abuse, sexual abuse and verbal violence. The key word here is NON-CONSENSUAL. That means without negotiation and express permission to act in this fashion. The quality of life for the person being abused, is one of fear, neglect, terror and pain. The quality of life for the abuser is one filled with guilt, fear (of being exposed), uncontrollable anger and emotion, lack of control.
Now, lets take a peekiepoo at the dynamics of a Dom/sub relationship. From my research and discussions with those in the BDSM community I have gained a whole new understanding of what initially appeared to be abuse in the grossest form. Let's first look at the Dom. This Dominant partner has negotiated and expressed their need for control in what ever aspects of the relationship they desire control. They have an agreement with their partner that they can do ______ and control ______. Whatever this may be. The Dominant has a clear idea of what he or she needs from the relationship and expresses it in a non-threatening manner with the spirit of negotiation. A Dominant must be able to maintain a level self-control during their "play" time or other designated and agreed upon portion of their relationship. From my understanding a Dominant should, if not must, be aware of his or her partners physical, mental and emotional well-being and respect the boundaries that have been negotiated and agreed upon.
This is wholly different than that of an abuser who isn't required to adhere to a safe word, whose intention to generally to inflict as much damage on their unwilling partner as they can without concern for their partners physical, mental or emotional well-being.
The submissive in the Dom/sub relationship seeks out a partner who they negotiate and agree upon the parameters of their relationship. He/She submits, and certainly desires an able Dominant. They need on some primal level that outside control. They find in themselves some emotional and physical release in their submission.
Again this is wholly different from that of an abuse victim. A victim of abuse is often taken unawares that this could even happen to them. They haven't sought it out, they aren't necessarily interested in it and are certainly fearful of the what's next. For them they are fearful of staying as well as of escaping. They find themselves trapped against their will.
Now the question that brought on this particular rant was something to the tune of "I get angry easy, does that make me a Dominant?" As well as the snarky judgy pant lady who has been so vocal regarding this particular segment. So my answer for this was a categorical Hells to da NOOOO, the fact that you have anger issues has no bearing on whether or not you're a Dominant. It does however mean that you need to establish some control over yourself and your emotions.
Anyhow, these are just my thoughts on the differences between abuse and a Dom/sub relationship. Now in any relationship there can be issues, in every culture or community there are those asshats who just can't help themselves and take advantage of their position or power. No matter your vanilla or other sometimes people just don't know how to act right. So here are some red flags for any relationship.
1) Separation from family and friends. This tactic is used by abusers to ensure that their victims have little to no resources available to them for either escape or a support system.
2) Financial control. Financial control can take many forms, one being that the victim is forced to leave employment making them totally dependant on the abuser. The other can be financial manipulation, where the victims income is recklessly abused, hidden from or otherwise taken out of his or her control without their consent.
3) Limited Communications. Abusers often will take control of the ability to have outside communications. They will unplug or lock the phone lines, inspect your private cellular or take them away, limit internet access, limit outside interactions.
4) The prevalence of violence or threat of unwanted violence. I put in here UNWANTED violence, I have a hard time to express the variations of people's sexual and non sexual desires what may appear to be violence to one might be a complete turn on and sexual or other need for another. So unwanted is the key word here. For example, if I like and have expressed my desire to my husband to spank me for whatever reason, this is not unwanted. Though for another person the sheer idea of a spanking is considered by them unwanted violence. Threats fall into the same category as actual physical violence, for some hearing the words "If you do ____, I will spank you." is a complete turn on conversely it drips fear into the hearts of others.
5) Blame. If your partner consistently blames you for their bad or unwanted behavior this is a way for them to rid their own soul and is called transference. Now, in a Dom/sub relationship the lines here can be blurry. I learned of a type of submissive/nonsubmissive called a Brat. (Yes, my producer said I was one. LOL) In many ways, we learn from mistakes and the consequences that are the result. As a child we learned that if we do ____ we get ____ as a punishment or reward. I think its irresponsible to think that this learning process ceases to exist as we get to age of majority. Using blame in a traditional relationship is a form of manipulation because both parties are not privy to the aspects of the relationship. There has been no negotiation, no agreement and lastly no express role identification established.
Anyway you cut it, what gets me going is not necessarily what is required to get everyone else going, people are dynamic, relationships are unique and unless we are in it we really can't know the entirety of the story. All we can do is establish an atmosphere of honesty, communication and respect within our own relationships.
Establishing firstly what we want or need out of a relationship, communicating those wants and needs to our partners, and being honest in those communications with both ourselves and our partners. Finally we have to stop comparing one to another, the most fabulous thing in this life is the diversity of all it's participants.
So get honest with yourself, establish what YOU need and want, communicate that honestly with your lover, stay sexy and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
So lets start with the quality of life and the differences between being in an abusive relationship and being in a Dom/sub relationship.
Abuse is the non-consensual violence perpetrated by one half of a couple against the other half of the couple. It is a form of control that can include physical violence, emotional violence, financial abuse, sexual abuse and verbal violence. The key word here is NON-CONSENSUAL. That means without negotiation and express permission to act in this fashion. The quality of life for the person being abused, is one of fear, neglect, terror and pain. The quality of life for the abuser is one filled with guilt, fear (of being exposed), uncontrollable anger and emotion, lack of control.
Now, lets take a peekiepoo at the dynamics of a Dom/sub relationship. From my research and discussions with those in the BDSM community I have gained a whole new understanding of what initially appeared to be abuse in the grossest form. Let's first look at the Dom. This Dominant partner has negotiated and expressed their need for control in what ever aspects of the relationship they desire control. They have an agreement with their partner that they can do ______ and control ______. Whatever this may be. The Dominant has a clear idea of what he or she needs from the relationship and expresses it in a non-threatening manner with the spirit of negotiation. A Dominant must be able to maintain a level self-control during their "play" time or other designated and agreed upon portion of their relationship. From my understanding a Dominant should, if not must, be aware of his or her partners physical, mental and emotional well-being and respect the boundaries that have been negotiated and agreed upon.
This is wholly different than that of an abuser who isn't required to adhere to a safe word, whose intention to generally to inflict as much damage on their unwilling partner as they can without concern for their partners physical, mental or emotional well-being.
The submissive in the Dom/sub relationship seeks out a partner who they negotiate and agree upon the parameters of their relationship. He/She submits, and certainly desires an able Dominant. They need on some primal level that outside control. They find in themselves some emotional and physical release in their submission.
Again this is wholly different from that of an abuse victim. A victim of abuse is often taken unawares that this could even happen to them. They haven't sought it out, they aren't necessarily interested in it and are certainly fearful of the what's next. For them they are fearful of staying as well as of escaping. They find themselves trapped against their will.
Now the question that brought on this particular rant was something to the tune of "I get angry easy, does that make me a Dominant?" As well as the snarky judgy pant lady who has been so vocal regarding this particular segment. So my answer for this was a categorical Hells to da NOOOO, the fact that you have anger issues has no bearing on whether or not you're a Dominant. It does however mean that you need to establish some control over yourself and your emotions.
Anyhow, these are just my thoughts on the differences between abuse and a Dom/sub relationship. Now in any relationship there can be issues, in every culture or community there are those asshats who just can't help themselves and take advantage of their position or power. No matter your vanilla or other sometimes people just don't know how to act right. So here are some red flags for any relationship.
1) Separation from family and friends. This tactic is used by abusers to ensure that their victims have little to no resources available to them for either escape or a support system.
2) Financial control. Financial control can take many forms, one being that the victim is forced to leave employment making them totally dependant on the abuser. The other can be financial manipulation, where the victims income is recklessly abused, hidden from or otherwise taken out of his or her control without their consent.
3) Limited Communications. Abusers often will take control of the ability to have outside communications. They will unplug or lock the phone lines, inspect your private cellular or take them away, limit internet access, limit outside interactions.
4) The prevalence of violence or threat of unwanted violence. I put in here UNWANTED violence, I have a hard time to express the variations of people's sexual and non sexual desires what may appear to be violence to one might be a complete turn on and sexual or other need for another. So unwanted is the key word here. For example, if I like and have expressed my desire to my husband to spank me for whatever reason, this is not unwanted. Though for another person the sheer idea of a spanking is considered by them unwanted violence. Threats fall into the same category as actual physical violence, for some hearing the words "If you do ____, I will spank you." is a complete turn on conversely it drips fear into the hearts of others.
5) Blame. If your partner consistently blames you for their bad or unwanted behavior this is a way for them to rid their own soul and is called transference. Now, in a Dom/sub relationship the lines here can be blurry. I learned of a type of submissive/nonsubmissive called a Brat. (Yes, my producer said I was one. LOL) In many ways, we learn from mistakes and the consequences that are the result. As a child we learned that if we do ____ we get ____ as a punishment or reward. I think its irresponsible to think that this learning process ceases to exist as we get to age of majority. Using blame in a traditional relationship is a form of manipulation because both parties are not privy to the aspects of the relationship. There has been no negotiation, no agreement and lastly no express role identification established.
Anyway you cut it, what gets me going is not necessarily what is required to get everyone else going, people are dynamic, relationships are unique and unless we are in it we really can't know the entirety of the story. All we can do is establish an atmosphere of honesty, communication and respect within our own relationships.
Establishing firstly what we want or need out of a relationship, communicating those wants and needs to our partners, and being honest in those communications with both ourselves and our partners. Finally we have to stop comparing one to another, the most fabulous thing in this life is the diversity of all it's participants.
So get honest with yourself, establish what YOU need and want, communicate that honestly with your lover, stay sexy and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
Our Kinky Clause Kick off...
So, here is the kick off episode of Kinky Clause... Sir Jim had me turning every shade of pink possible! What a fun one and just so naughty! ;)
Hope you take a listen and enjoy the show! Stay sexy my lovelies and until next time...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
Listen to internet radio with Sex Talk with Curvy on Blog Talk RadioHope you take a listen and enjoy the show! Stay sexy my lovelies and until next time...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Back to Kinky Clause
and my purely scientific investigation of BDSM. (Fine, that's a lie but whatever). I've been reading The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino. This book is pretty fascinating and has the various segments written by "Masters" in their respective techniques, such as Midori, Lolita Wolf, Laura Antoniou and Madison Young.
It's broken down into nice bite size pieces that even I can handle and absorb into my tiny brain. Not to mention it's extremely well written. It's like Tristan has brought together the rock stars of the BDSM community. There is so much information out there regarding this particular community. A large percentage of it from what I can tell is a little on the skeevy side but there are some genuine people willing and able to teach and impart their knowledge on the subject. This book is definitely on my recommendation list.
I'm also reading Awakening by Elene Sallinger, a second piece of erotic fiction after finally making it through the second book in the FSOG series. (Sorry, I still like these. It's an easy read and I just substitute my own words for her redundant descriptives) Though I have found some similarities, "Stilling" is used in this work as well as is the whole biting her lower lip bringing a raging woody to the uber-hot un-attainable Dom. It causes me to wonder, is this how it starts for single ladies out there discovering their kink? It seems to be a popular trend in fiction, that's for certain.
I've discussed with the honey the prospect of getting a little hands on in my "research", ahem, yeah, that's it Research! I've had him read some of my reading list and tell me what he thinks. I also directed him to the CEPE page posted in an earlier post. Poor thing forgot his English and I'm still uncertain exactly how he responded verbally, but the physical response was well, lets just say exciting. He is an angel and thankfully he goes right along with me in what ever hair-brained sex-capade I get distracted with or my flavor of the month.
I do find it intimidating, even a little scary. I'm pretty type A personality, OCD, clean freak, and what did my producer call me, oh yeah, a germaphobe (not sure that's a word but anyhoo). I do struggle with what "role" I closely identify with. In life I'm pretty much a very dominant personality I control all within my tiny universe (or think I do anyway). Hence the confusion. A Dominant as in the D of the D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship just isn't necessarily something I'm comfortable with. In point of fact, I think I would more closely relate to the submissive in this aspect. Perhaps it's BECAUSE I tend to control so many of the other aspects of our lives, I seek the reprieve from decision-making, scheduling etc... Or perhaps I'm confusing the roles completely.
This establishment of roles and guidelines is essential in the community, as well as of course CONSENT. But then there are other roles, one is termed a Switch. Yup, like a switch hitter for all you baseball fans or others. Anyhoo, I may be over thinking this and making it more difficult than it needs or really is. (Not a shocker, I still use a thermometer to boil water, don't judge me! :D )
Or perhaps it's not necessarily ME I'm concerned about. In a LTR (long-term relationship) that has been relatively vanilla for years outside a little spank and tickle, is it even feasible to think that established life roles can be adjusted for pure sexual satisfaction and exploration? I don't know the answer. It's odd how once we start to look out our sexual desires, they soon become needs.
As I said before, I'm pretty Type A. I can tell you exactly where something is in my home without even looking or thinking because everything has its place. (as long as no one has moved it on me, drives me nuts!) My honey is so relaxed and laid back with me, that it may be part of the reason I'm so dominant in my role as wife and business partner. Yet, let anyone else step wonky to either of us and the fury of the G_ds looks like a happy place to anyone who crosses him. Maybe, I am already in a submissive role and simply don't recognize it for what it is? Perhaps the power exchange that is so prevalent in the BDSM community is merely an illusion, a consensual and albeit convincing one, but still an illusion. Is it possible to be both Dominant and submissive? Is it possible to relinquish control to gain control? Is it possible that one can be so focused on task that they unwittingly become submissive in that action? Maybe I'm just the perfect sub to honeys Dom tendencies or is it the other way around?
Maybe as we seek out our partners we find that perfect mix of I want this, that and the other that when we find it the power exchange is made without our even realizing it. This is one of the reasons I think I'm so intrigued by the BDSM culture. He wanted a wife who was driven to succeed, extremely clean, with a mind for business and adventurous with a big ole bootay. I wanted the strong, silent, pick me up when I fall & treat me like a Queen, Knight in Shining Armor.
Again, maybe just maybe this is part of the discovery process. Perhaps I need to spend more time thinking about, pondering and musing over sexuality. (As IF, I don't do it enough already) Perhaps everyone needs to take a moment regularly and think about sex and their desires. No more dead bedroom issues, no more unsatisfactory outcomes, no more "I wish ____ would _____." Has western culture deprived us of our ability to be sexual creatures comfortably? Maybe we have allowed it so long that for some sex is more perfunctory than pleasure. Have we been convinced that sensation and the experience of physical sensation is reduced to good vs bad?
The techniques and the level of communication is still astounding to me. I love it, I really love it! I may find myself stagnated in this spot of role definition but talking about the variety of kink has taken over our sexy bed time talk so we shall see. Maybe I need to get out the chocolate syrup to mix up our vanilla. Or I may just accidentally bring home some product to try out before it gets to go on the store site. :D (Career with bene's IJS)
Perhaps kink is like a seed, it may or may not grow it just depends on whether or not you water it. Either way, it appears the more I learn the more questions I have. You know curiosity and the cat? I feel like one in a room full of rocking chairs! But it's an interesting escapade and I am really enjoying the journey and the lovely people I've gotten to meet and talk with.
One thing I will say about this adventure is that while I'm still uncommitted to the lifestyle, it sure has been enlightening and at the least has brought out some questions and aren't they really the pave-stones of the paths we choose?
This Saturday kicks off our Kinky Clause, there are 5 segments each Saturday in December at 10:00pm. This segment may be extended based on the interest and request of readers and listeners alike. The link to this weekends show is Sex Talk with Curvy Due to scheduling conflict, the initial show will be re-aired on its scheduled date rather than live. If you have any questions for our guest, please get them in to me as soon as possible.
So grab the water hose, spray me down, stay sexy, tune in for our kinky clause segments and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
It's broken down into nice bite size pieces that even I can handle and absorb into my tiny brain. Not to mention it's extremely well written. It's like Tristan has brought together the rock stars of the BDSM community. There is so much information out there regarding this particular community. A large percentage of it from what I can tell is a little on the skeevy side but there are some genuine people willing and able to teach and impart their knowledge on the subject. This book is definitely on my recommendation list.
I'm also reading Awakening by Elene Sallinger, a second piece of erotic fiction after finally making it through the second book in the FSOG series. (Sorry, I still like these. It's an easy read and I just substitute my own words for her redundant descriptives) Though I have found some similarities, "Stilling" is used in this work as well as is the whole biting her lower lip bringing a raging woody to the uber-hot un-attainable Dom. It causes me to wonder, is this how it starts for single ladies out there discovering their kink? It seems to be a popular trend in fiction, that's for certain.
I've discussed with the honey the prospect of getting a little hands on in my "research", ahem, yeah, that's it Research! I've had him read some of my reading list and tell me what he thinks. I also directed him to the CEPE page posted in an earlier post. Poor thing forgot his English and I'm still uncertain exactly how he responded verbally, but the physical response was well, lets just say exciting. He is an angel and thankfully he goes right along with me in what ever hair-brained sex-capade I get distracted with or my flavor of the month.
I do find it intimidating, even a little scary. I'm pretty type A personality, OCD, clean freak, and what did my producer call me, oh yeah, a germaphobe (not sure that's a word but anyhoo). I do struggle with what "role" I closely identify with. In life I'm pretty much a very dominant personality I control all within my tiny universe (or think I do anyway). Hence the confusion. A Dominant as in the D of the D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship just isn't necessarily something I'm comfortable with. In point of fact, I think I would more closely relate to the submissive in this aspect. Perhaps it's BECAUSE I tend to control so many of the other aspects of our lives, I seek the reprieve from decision-making, scheduling etc... Or perhaps I'm confusing the roles completely.
This establishment of roles and guidelines is essential in the community, as well as of course CONSENT. But then there are other roles, one is termed a Switch. Yup, like a switch hitter for all you baseball fans or others. Anyhoo, I may be over thinking this and making it more difficult than it needs or really is. (Not a shocker, I still use a thermometer to boil water, don't judge me! :D )
Or perhaps it's not necessarily ME I'm concerned about. In a LTR (long-term relationship) that has been relatively vanilla for years outside a little spank and tickle, is it even feasible to think that established life roles can be adjusted for pure sexual satisfaction and exploration? I don't know the answer. It's odd how once we start to look out our sexual desires, they soon become needs.
As I said before, I'm pretty Type A. I can tell you exactly where something is in my home without even looking or thinking because everything has its place. (as long as no one has moved it on me, drives me nuts!) My honey is so relaxed and laid back with me, that it may be part of the reason I'm so dominant in my role as wife and business partner. Yet, let anyone else step wonky to either of us and the fury of the G_ds looks like a happy place to anyone who crosses him. Maybe, I am already in a submissive role and simply don't recognize it for what it is? Perhaps the power exchange that is so prevalent in the BDSM community is merely an illusion, a consensual and albeit convincing one, but still an illusion. Is it possible to be both Dominant and submissive? Is it possible to relinquish control to gain control? Is it possible that one can be so focused on task that they unwittingly become submissive in that action? Maybe I'm just the perfect sub to honeys Dom tendencies or is it the other way around?
Maybe as we seek out our partners we find that perfect mix of I want this, that and the other that when we find it the power exchange is made without our even realizing it. This is one of the reasons I think I'm so intrigued by the BDSM culture. He wanted a wife who was driven to succeed, extremely clean, with a mind for business and adventurous with a big ole bootay. I wanted the strong, silent, pick me up when I fall & treat me like a Queen, Knight in Shining Armor.
Again, maybe just maybe this is part of the discovery process. Perhaps I need to spend more time thinking about, pondering and musing over sexuality. (As IF, I don't do it enough already) Perhaps everyone needs to take a moment regularly and think about sex and their desires. No more dead bedroom issues, no more unsatisfactory outcomes, no more "I wish ____ would _____." Has western culture deprived us of our ability to be sexual creatures comfortably? Maybe we have allowed it so long that for some sex is more perfunctory than pleasure. Have we been convinced that sensation and the experience of physical sensation is reduced to good vs bad?
The techniques and the level of communication is still astounding to me. I love it, I really love it! I may find myself stagnated in this spot of role definition but talking about the variety of kink has taken over our sexy bed time talk so we shall see. Maybe I need to get out the chocolate syrup to mix up our vanilla. Or I may just accidentally bring home some product to try out before it gets to go on the store site. :D (Career with bene's IJS)
Perhaps kink is like a seed, it may or may not grow it just depends on whether or not you water it. Either way, it appears the more I learn the more questions I have. You know curiosity and the cat? I feel like one in a room full of rocking chairs! But it's an interesting escapade and I am really enjoying the journey and the lovely people I've gotten to meet and talk with.
One thing I will say about this adventure is that while I'm still uncommitted to the lifestyle, it sure has been enlightening and at the least has brought out some questions and aren't they really the pave-stones of the paths we choose?
This Saturday kicks off our Kinky Clause, there are 5 segments each Saturday in December at 10:00pm. This segment may be extended based on the interest and request of readers and listeners alike. The link to this weekends show is Sex Talk with Curvy Due to scheduling conflict, the initial show will be re-aired on its scheduled date rather than live. If you have any questions for our guest, please get them in to me as soon as possible.
So grab the water hose, spray me down, stay sexy, tune in for our kinky clause segments and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
Monday, November 5, 2012
Today in my search
I was lucky enough to stumble across some pages dedicated to noobs to the BDSM community. (yippeee me) Ironically, they appear to be written by the Dom, the Sadist or the Top. (I still don't really know what a Top is, I've an idea though)
On the surface, it would appear that these are the givers to their receivers. That they would most benefit from a noobie they could take and "train" how they pleased. The majority of these articles, (I'll post em in a minute keep your panties on), are written as words of caution to the noobs to not fall prey to "unethical" practitioners.
I think a large part of the non BDSM of society sees these individuals as predators and without ethics. But from my reading, I see them as taking as stance against predatory actions, adding a sense of structure and quite a bit of credibility to their lifestyle. It's ironic to me because these individuals are seen often (by non-practitioners) as abusive, controlling, domineering etc... So to see these "types" issuing words of caution is quite contrary to initial belief.
Don't get me wrong, I've been spanked a few times and my first spanking came when I was 6 or 7 and my mother got out the dreaded belt. My older brother, who was 16 or 17 loves to tell the story. I had done some terrible thing and my mother bent me over the bed and in one fell swoop and crack the belt made such an impression I was across the bed like superman jumping a tall buildings in a single bound. Of the hundreds of family get togethers when the story is told (over and over again) apparently I peeked over the mattress and asked my brother "What was that?" After his fit of laughter he explained that "That, was a spanking". I don't have fond memories of that nor any of the ones to follow, and a severe aversion to pain.
I don't even like for butterflies to land on me cause it skeeves me out their little straw like proboscis and their sharp little bitty sticky feet attaching themselves to my skin. *shudders* I once slammed the car door on my thumb, because I was too concerned with getting off me the creepy little grasshopper that had landed on my leg that I forgot to move my hand as I was doing the "get it off getitoff GETITOFF don't let it get in the car" slamming the door dance. I know I have issues, so anyway.
I bring this up because regardless of this aversion to pain, suffering, bugs, and other creepy things I still find this community to be fascinating. It might be the level of rules and control they exhibit. I found on the CEPE page, it's a group in my area, a BDSM checklist of 200 questions. 200 freaking questions AND they clearly state that there will be more as required by the individual couple. Now, I'm thinking "there are an awful lot of rules" in addition to limits, hard limits and off-limits.
Then I think, how many times do "vanilla" couples have such an in-depth discussions of sexual likes, dislikes and don't even dream about its? The comparison is impossible. The only similarities I can see so far, is the penis to VaJayJay and/or anus for most hetro couples as well as mutual love and respect. (I'd really like to discuss straight vanilla which my understanding is no kink but anyhoo)
So before the onslaught of judgy pant people start, I'll just put my two cents in right now. Do Not Assume that you know the right way to show love and respect between all people. Listen, "your way" is NOT the only right way. K? K! Oh and if your blood pressure is rising from anger or disgust, you might want to stop reading cause it will only get worse. Toodles, see you when this segment is finished. :D Aaaaaaaand moving on...
So back to what I was thinking before I so rudely interrupted myself. This link CEPE Checklist has 200 various questions regarding different "kink" that a couple discusses, marks off etc...
I like the communication aspect of this. It's safer than the "Ya wanna get it on?" where the only discussed rule is to condom or not to condom. Seriously??!!??!! WTF? How are we vanillas missing this very basic form of intimacy? There is apparently a huge amount of preparation prior to the act, and a respect that is honestly, quite amazing to me. I've suggested in the past that we do a sexy letter day, or a weekly wish list with our partners regarding sex. These practitioners, actually perform this on a regular basis and stick to it. No slip ups or excuses. They acknowledge that what they prefer might be considered out of the ordinary and respectfully request permission.
Again, communication is such a huge aspect of intimacy and most of the couples I've spoken to find they are lacking in these areas. He or She doesn't know how or feel comfortable discussing sex, sexual fantasies, what feels good etc... so they rather quickly find that their sexual life and appetites begin to falter if not fall off completely. Yet depending on which study you look at, practitioners of BDSM show a markedly higher percentage of overall sexual satisfaction. So again, it's my belief that due to the extent of communication, in addition to actively pursuing their sexual pleasures within the "accepted" parameters of their sexual relationship, attributes immensely to this higher sexual satisfaction rate.
Now on to Permission? WTF. This entire experience is turning out to be quite the opposite of what I "saw" from the outside looking in. The Doms, Sadists and Tops have to get permission from their counterparts. This is not what one would initially see at first, second or 957,425,543.3 look. I think what most people of the "nilla" type see is abuse, degradation, etc... when in actuality, it's the receiver who elicits complete control. EDIT: There is a negotiation, so the parameters of the sexual interactions are pre-agreed upon. It's counterintuitive to those of us who are peeking in.
When you think of a scene in FSOG, any of them pretty much, or when you "accidentally" type in BDSM to your browser and stumble across some BDSM erotica. You, if you're a vanilla type, might initially see some poor woman or man being abused by a domineering, controlling ass hat. Yet, it's that poor little man or woman who have in part with their partner who have developed the parameters of acceptable, willing and "not gonna happen, ever". They like it and they hold to account their partner. They willingly give their consent to relinquish their own personal power of choice to their partner. (power-play more to follow, when I say so. :D) They have a say in what is or isn't allowed, they have a "safe word" that they are able to use at any time to cease the activity.
Unless we are discussing a Master/slave relationship. (Again more to come on this at a later date) This is yet another topic that will be followed up on. I so was not kidding about the intricacies of this particular sexual lifestyle and its practitioners. There is a huge amount of information out there, that is both interesting and I'll admit, a little intimidating. *still not sceered* ;)
A common practice called "aftercare" is also considered and outlined in their sexual communications. What is aftercare? It's where the couple spends time re-connecting and bond. Yes, bond and this is, in most practitioners lives, a requirement not a suggestion. Aftercare is after a "scene" is completed they engage in activities meant to create a bond and closeness. It's intimacy after the O!
How many times have us vanilla's complained that after sex, it's nappy time for him or her, and we want to cuddle? I'll go more into this in a later submission (hehe I got it in here neeeeneeeerrrrrr neeeeeeneeeerrrrrr) Because it's important and a lesson we can incorporate into our sex lives as non-practitioners of BDSM. Again I find myself trying to compare these practices with the more traditional sex components and it's a struggle. While there is no right or wrong way to have sex, there are certain aspect of the act that increase our bond to our partners, our level of intimacy and even boost our moods. I'm so keeping a cheat sheet going on what portions of the lifestyle I want incorporated into my own sex life, what I'm willing to explore and what would be a hard limit for me. I think it would be great fun to check out that CEPE activities list to start a discussion with my honey. :D
Back to my original point. These articles often are directed to "noobs" to give them a check list of both red-flags (no gos), what to expect and what not to tolerate. They clearly outline what is considered predatory and unethical. So here are a few examples.
Identifying Predatory Behaviour
When the unethical meet the unprepared
Risk Management
Dangerous Webmasters in BDSM
These again are written it seems to me to protect us nosey newbies and those people who have decided to dabble. These experienced practitioners know, understand and take measures to minimize risk to their partners physical, mental and emotional health. They, it appears, wish to ensure that people who are experimenting aren't being taken advantage of or abused. Which again is counter intuitive at first glance to this lifestyle.
There is something about the power exchange that is amazing to me. I can get it, on a submissive (I think) level. After 15 to 18 hours of work each day, managing the house, my business, my husband's business and being responsible for everything in our world it gets tiring. Decisions that require lightning fast responses then the constant questioning of ones self regarding those decisions. I have to think that at least sometime it might be nice to have at the least my sexual responsibilities and decisions made by someone else. I think of the freedom I might have to think of other things and explore a creative aspect rather than be bogged down at all times by the 101,498,384 responsibilities and decisions that go with waking up in the morning.
My understanding of the real underlying tenant of these relationships is trust and structure, in my rather loose grasp of the topic. How much trust can you place in another human being? (who naturally make mistakes, sorry we all do) How do you get in that head space that just allows you to be? I just don't know that answer. I'm one of those people who have a very high flight or fight response. I take only calculated risks and find that when something isn't just right, I have to make it so. There are certain things that I am simply compelled to do to provide a level of protection for my home and family. So while I can get it, I just don't know if I can get into it.
Now my comments here are just a tidbit of the actuality of what is the BDSM community. It's a tiny fraction of what there is to learn and only my take on what information I have gained so far. I thought I would just update where we are today. I'm interested to see where this takes me and how these entries develop.
So until next time, stay safe, stay sexy and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
On the surface, it would appear that these are the givers to their receivers. That they would most benefit from a noobie they could take and "train" how they pleased. The majority of these articles, (I'll post em in a minute keep your panties on), are written as words of caution to the noobs to not fall prey to "unethical" practitioners.
I think a large part of the non BDSM of society sees these individuals as predators and without ethics. But from my reading, I see them as taking as stance against predatory actions, adding a sense of structure and quite a bit of credibility to their lifestyle. It's ironic to me because these individuals are seen often (by non-practitioners) as abusive, controlling, domineering etc... So to see these "types" issuing words of caution is quite contrary to initial belief.
Don't get me wrong, I've been spanked a few times and my first spanking came when I was 6 or 7 and my mother got out the dreaded belt. My older brother, who was 16 or 17 loves to tell the story. I had done some terrible thing and my mother bent me over the bed and in one fell swoop and crack the belt made such an impression I was across the bed like superman jumping a tall buildings in a single bound. Of the hundreds of family get togethers when the story is told (over and over again) apparently I peeked over the mattress and asked my brother "What was that?" After his fit of laughter he explained that "That, was a spanking". I don't have fond memories of that nor any of the ones to follow, and a severe aversion to pain.
I don't even like for butterflies to land on me cause it skeeves me out their little straw like proboscis and their sharp little bitty sticky feet attaching themselves to my skin. *shudders* I once slammed the car door on my thumb, because I was too concerned with getting off me the creepy little grasshopper that had landed on my leg that I forgot to move my hand as I was doing the "get it off getitoff GETITOFF don't let it get in the car" slamming the door dance. I know I have issues, so anyway.
I bring this up because regardless of this aversion to pain, suffering, bugs, and other creepy things I still find this community to be fascinating. It might be the level of rules and control they exhibit. I found on the CEPE page, it's a group in my area, a BDSM checklist of 200 questions. 200 freaking questions AND they clearly state that there will be more as required by the individual couple. Now, I'm thinking "there are an awful lot of rules" in addition to limits, hard limits and off-limits.
Then I think, how many times do "vanilla" couples have such an in-depth discussions of sexual likes, dislikes and don't even dream about its? The comparison is impossible. The only similarities I can see so far, is the penis to VaJayJay and/or anus for most hetro couples as well as mutual love and respect. (I'd really like to discuss straight vanilla which my understanding is no kink but anyhoo)
So before the onslaught of judgy pant people start, I'll just put my two cents in right now. Do Not Assume that you know the right way to show love and respect between all people. Listen, "your way" is NOT the only right way. K? K! Oh and if your blood pressure is rising from anger or disgust, you might want to stop reading cause it will only get worse. Toodles, see you when this segment is finished. :D Aaaaaaaand moving on...
So back to what I was thinking before I so rudely interrupted myself. This link CEPE Checklist has 200 various questions regarding different "kink" that a couple discusses, marks off etc...
I like the communication aspect of this. It's safer than the "Ya wanna get it on?" where the only discussed rule is to condom or not to condom. Seriously??!!??!! WTF? How are we vanillas missing this very basic form of intimacy? There is apparently a huge amount of preparation prior to the act, and a respect that is honestly, quite amazing to me. I've suggested in the past that we do a sexy letter day, or a weekly wish list with our partners regarding sex. These practitioners, actually perform this on a regular basis and stick to it. No slip ups or excuses. They acknowledge that what they prefer might be considered out of the ordinary and respectfully request permission.
Again, communication is such a huge aspect of intimacy and most of the couples I've spoken to find they are lacking in these areas. He or She doesn't know how or feel comfortable discussing sex, sexual fantasies, what feels good etc... so they rather quickly find that their sexual life and appetites begin to falter if not fall off completely. Yet depending on which study you look at, practitioners of BDSM show a markedly higher percentage of overall sexual satisfaction. So again, it's my belief that due to the extent of communication, in addition to actively pursuing their sexual pleasures within the "accepted" parameters of their sexual relationship, attributes immensely to this higher sexual satisfaction rate.
Now on to Permission? WTF. This entire experience is turning out to be quite the opposite of what I "saw" from the outside looking in. The Doms, Sadists and Tops have to get permission from their counterparts. This is not what one would initially see at first, second or 957,425,543.3 look. I think what most people of the "nilla" type see is abuse, degradation, etc... when in actuality, it's the receiver who elicits complete control. EDIT: There is a negotiation, so the parameters of the sexual interactions are pre-agreed upon. It's counterintuitive to those of us who are peeking in.
When you think of a scene in FSOG, any of them pretty much, or when you "accidentally" type in BDSM to your browser and stumble across some BDSM erotica. You, if you're a vanilla type, might initially see some poor woman or man being abused by a domineering, controlling ass hat. Yet, it's that poor little man or woman who have in part with their partner who have developed the parameters of acceptable, willing and "not gonna happen, ever". They like it and they hold to account their partner. They willingly give their consent to relinquish their own personal power of choice to their partner. (power-play more to follow, when I say so. :D) They have a say in what is or isn't allowed, they have a "safe word" that they are able to use at any time to cease the activity.
Unless we are discussing a Master/slave relationship. (Again more to come on this at a later date) This is yet another topic that will be followed up on. I so was not kidding about the intricacies of this particular sexual lifestyle and its practitioners. There is a huge amount of information out there, that is both interesting and I'll admit, a little intimidating. *still not sceered* ;)
A common practice called "aftercare" is also considered and outlined in their sexual communications. What is aftercare? It's where the couple spends time re-connecting and bond. Yes, bond and this is, in most practitioners lives, a requirement not a suggestion. Aftercare is after a "scene" is completed they engage in activities meant to create a bond and closeness. It's intimacy after the O!
How many times have us vanilla's complained that after sex, it's nappy time for him or her, and we want to cuddle? I'll go more into this in a later submission (hehe I got it in here neeeeneeeerrrrrr neeeeeeneeeerrrrrr) Because it's important and a lesson we can incorporate into our sex lives as non-practitioners of BDSM. Again I find myself trying to compare these practices with the more traditional sex components and it's a struggle. While there is no right or wrong way to have sex, there are certain aspect of the act that increase our bond to our partners, our level of intimacy and even boost our moods. I'm so keeping a cheat sheet going on what portions of the lifestyle I want incorporated into my own sex life, what I'm willing to explore and what would be a hard limit for me. I think it would be great fun to check out that CEPE activities list to start a discussion with my honey. :D
Back to my original point. These articles often are directed to "noobs" to give them a check list of both red-flags (no gos), what to expect and what not to tolerate. They clearly outline what is considered predatory and unethical. So here are a few examples.
Identifying Predatory Behaviour
When the unethical meet the unprepared
Risk Management
Dangerous Webmasters in BDSM
These again are written it seems to me to protect us nosey newbies and those people who have decided to dabble. These experienced practitioners know, understand and take measures to minimize risk to their partners physical, mental and emotional health. They, it appears, wish to ensure that people who are experimenting aren't being taken advantage of or abused. Which again is counter intuitive at first glance to this lifestyle.
There is something about the power exchange that is amazing to me. I can get it, on a submissive (I think) level. After 15 to 18 hours of work each day, managing the house, my business, my husband's business and being responsible for everything in our world it gets tiring. Decisions that require lightning fast responses then the constant questioning of ones self regarding those decisions. I have to think that at least sometime it might be nice to have at the least my sexual responsibilities and decisions made by someone else. I think of the freedom I might have to think of other things and explore a creative aspect rather than be bogged down at all times by the 101,498,384 responsibilities and decisions that go with waking up in the morning.
My understanding of the real underlying tenant of these relationships is trust and structure, in my rather loose grasp of the topic. How much trust can you place in another human being? (who naturally make mistakes, sorry we all do) How do you get in that head space that just allows you to be? I just don't know that answer. I'm one of those people who have a very high flight or fight response. I take only calculated risks and find that when something isn't just right, I have to make it so. There are certain things that I am simply compelled to do to provide a level of protection for my home and family. So while I can get it, I just don't know if I can get into it.
Now my comments here are just a tidbit of the actuality of what is the BDSM community. It's a tiny fraction of what there is to learn and only my take on what information I have gained so far. I thought I would just update where we are today. I'm interested to see where this takes me and how these entries develop.
So until next time, stay safe, stay sexy and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Devling into
"fringes" of sex and sexuality...
Now the jury is out on whether or not I like the term "Fringe" but as in all things, fringe tends to be that close to the edge... thing. Whether it be a fringe science, a fringe religion or fringe sex. It's generally considered outside the norm. According to dictionary.com fringe is "Not part of the mainstream; unconventional, peripheral, or extreme" so I guess it applies here. The only issue I have with it is I believe it marginalizes an entire population of practitioners of "fringe sex".
So what is fringe sex?
Urban Dictionary say this:
1. fringe sex
The act of using one's fringe in order to give somebody sexual pleasure.
Particularly enjoyed by those who harbour a rather unusual fetish for fringes, fringe sex works best with a long straight fringe that can more easily be wrapped around the genitals.
MMMMMMMk, so let's go with my definition of fringe sex instead. (I might need to start a dictionary of my own for my made up words and such) *snore*
Fringe sex, in my opinion is any sexual act that exists outside the societal norm. Societal norm being the traditional man/woman, monogamous, whose on top type act. So it is very broad reaching. It can include all things outside the norm, homosexual, Bi-sexuality, BDSM, fetish, polygamy, threesomes, foursomes, moresomes, latex, food sex and the list goes on.
A lot of attention, due to some wildly popular publications of recent, has been shed on one fringe community as whole of late. I'm not entirely certain of how comfortable the community is being placed in this rather harsh light of suspicion, judgement and intrigue. That community is BDSM, and let me tell you in my research I have had the pleasure of meeting some pretty awesome practitioners. Shockingly they are less judgmental of me than most of society is of them. I'd like to take just a moment and relay what I've learned so far. We're working on a series of broadcasts to come in December and January with some experienced, intelligent practitioners. Here is the link to the show Sex Talk with Curvy.
It's here where I want to chronicle here my experiences with the culture as a whole. I also want to say, if you are stone cold set against any and/or all aspects of fringe sex, BDSM, Scene play etc... Just go ahead and find something else you will be more comfortable reading because this blog might not be comfortable for you. There is no reason for hate or judgement etc... To each their own, I promise not to judge you based on your ideals, experiences or desires and only ask the same in return.
So let me start by how this idea came to me. I was one of the last people to read the phenom Fifty Shades of Grey. (Slacker, I know, but work and such took precedence) Speaking of work, I've been in the adult industry for years. I started out doing home pleasure parties and have recently only expanded onto the world wide web with my estore etc... Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. I do know what it's like to have someone ask what you do for a living and you have to come up with some way to gently explain, "Hey, I sell dildos and butt plugs, ya want one?" So the awkward silences that usually follow my common answer "I sell adult items to individuals and couples who are looking to add some other dimensions into their sex life and increase their levels of intimacy. I also do sexuality and intimacy sessions to help individuals as well as couples increase their awareness. I try to provide them with the tools they need to sustain a healthy sex life and intimacy within their relationship." are not that new to me.
Being in the adult industry, I have always known about fringe sex, but I never really knew it. Back to how this came to me, I was one of the people who couldn't understand the venom directed at FSOG by some members of the BDSM community as well as so many others. I thought, well it's great, women and men alike are inspired by this to explore their sexuality. How can this be bad? I'm not even sure where to start.
Sure it got people into exploring the kinkier side of sex. The majority of the BDSM community (I've talked to) doesn't have a problem with this per se. That is where the exposure and mild appreciation ends. Yup, that's pretty much it. I'm not doing a book review here, so I'll move on.
I was at a party several weekends ago and had on display all my cool Fifty Shades display merchandise as well as the trilogy. Super great sellers. When I had a gal come to me and asked if I realized I was promoting abuse and rape. Say whaaaaa? I never looked at it that way, I've always understood that the entirety of the community and participant interaction is based on consent. Now, I would never promote these things, I despise these acts, these crime against humanity. So it was rather shocking to me to be accused of promoting it.
In point of fact a few weeks prior to this accusation, I had scheduled another radio broadcast to air on the 10th of November. This particular show is about Sexual Trauma and recovery. So NO Miss Snarky Judgy pants lady I do not promote abuse or rape. When your head exits your ass, you might be able to see the light and stop with the judgements that are so off target. IJS
Anyhoo, this was the very second, after my deer in the headlights look and failed WTF response that I decided to explore this community, this culture. My first step in doing so was to visit Reddit's BDSMcommunity site and did some snooping. After doing some reading, posts and responses, articles etc... I thought to myself these are generally normal, healthy people. *Not scared* So I posted just a few days ago that I was looking for participants on a radio broadcast to shed some light and dispel some myth regarding the BDSM community. I got a few snarky pm's, but for the most part the responses were positive and open.
Again, I have only a loose understanding of even the meaning of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism). There is an entire myriad of other understandings. I had always added in there Dominance and Submission but according to Wikipedia it's not there. So here is the beginning of my confusion. The definition seems to be open to interpretation, I am learning that it depends on who you talk to.
One of my first responders was an individual who identified themselves as a bottom. Huh? So, there are Tops and bottoms as well. I believe there is some importance given to the capitalization of Top/Dom and bottom/sub as well but I've yet to have confirmations. Moving on, this individual I've yet to receive a response after my PM saying something to the tune of "great here's my personal email, please send me a short bio... etc " I'm chatty so there were probably 10,000 more words there that I forgot, I'm assuming that I scared the individual off. (Alas, assume does start with the word ASS, so I could be wrong, consider this my disclaimer)
The second response I got was something like "No one is going to talk to you without knowing what the interview will be like." or something to that effect. I thought, they are right! How insensitive of me. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I should have approached the topic with a little more sensitivity considering the light to which has been shined on the community and probably less like, well, me. Any how, the responder suggested another person who might be interested, so I went for it. :D Sent this other person an email.
Again it went something like the previously mentioned, tact is NOT my strong point. Deal with it, I have to. This person responded and was a complete joy to e-verse (yes, it's made up too. An email conversation = e-verse) with. I will admit that I was a little shaken when they identified themselves as a Sadist. I thought I couldn't get thrown, yet the word itself invoked in me almost a feeling akin to terror. (I watch entirely too much CSI and the like) I can deal with the term Dominant, Dom. etc... There, at this moment, seems something less threatening in that term. (at least I think I can, which more often than not, isn't the case) So after I changed my panties, I emailed the individual again. Was probably more chatty than usual (shocking right) but I was oddly compelled to show my worthiness and ability to conduct the interview in a manner befitting the community. I wanted the individual to like me, to grace me with their presence in the interview. So we shall see if I babbled my way into an awesome interview or right on out the damn door.
That's pretty odd for me, usually, I'm quite the opposite. There has never been anything stand, for long anyway, in my way when I wanted to go after something. I'm a little on the tenacious side. Or mule ass stubborn as my grandmother said. My honey even commented that I seemed a little thrown off my game. So it must have been bad, if he felt he should comment on it. He generally, just lets me be me and is happy when I'm acting my goofy self.
Thirdly there was a super excited response from an individual who identified themselves as a sub (submissive). I immediately liked this person and their excitement to share and dispel some of the misconceptions. Again, through e-verse I might have talked my way in or out of another awesome interview, I can only wait and see.
Then I went for a ride through FetLife. WOW um, ok sure. I had to take off my own judgy panties for this experience. FetLife isn't just BDSM, it's a whole lot more and some of the threads completely skeeved me out to the point of showering and diving into my power puff girls thermal jammies and into bed with the honey. Almost hiding under the covers. So for the sake of, well, me I'll just take this slow and yes, there will be some fetishes that I'll completely avoid because I just can't go there. No, won't go there. But there is a very active, welcoming & I dare say thriving BDSM population on FetLife. I even joined a group, the comfy chair. So let's just pretend I did not see some of the threads I did, and get the bleach for my brain. I might have gotten damaged. (puppies kitties and rainbows, puppies kitties and rainbows)
I'm approaching this entire series with an open mind and a desire to show the humanity of it all. I pride myself in saying I'm a humanist and as long as it's legal and with a willing partner I'm cool with it. This is still true, but again only for those things between participants of majority age who have given their willing consent to be engaged in such a manner. I'm so excited to get to do this exploration, probably more for myself that I will ever admit.
It's strange how utterly inviting it is to me, how oddly attracted I am to this topic. So we shall see how things either progress or digress. Many female readers of FSOG have found themselves empowered to explore some sexuality fringes, while others were completely disgusted with the entirety of the series. I will admit, it made me curious and a little randy. Even Dr. Ruth said she would sleep with Mr. Grey, the male figure in shades! (I'm not even sure what to call him now. Is he a Dominant or a Sadist? Or something else. I just don't know)
So this is going to be fun, exciting and a learning experience for me and I will share it with you all. Stay safe, stay sexy and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
Now the jury is out on whether or not I like the term "Fringe" but as in all things, fringe tends to be that close to the edge... thing. Whether it be a fringe science, a fringe religion or fringe sex. It's generally considered outside the norm. According to dictionary.com fringe is "Not part of the mainstream; unconventional, peripheral, or extreme" so I guess it applies here. The only issue I have with it is I believe it marginalizes an entire population of practitioners of "fringe sex".
So what is fringe sex?
Urban Dictionary say this:
1. fringe sex
The act of using one's fringe in order to give somebody sexual pleasure.
Particularly enjoyed by those who harbour a rather unusual fetish for fringes, fringe sex works best with a long straight fringe that can more easily be wrapped around the genitals.
MMMMMMMk, so let's go with my definition of fringe sex instead. (I might need to start a dictionary of my own for my made up words and such) *snore*
Fringe sex, in my opinion is any sexual act that exists outside the societal norm. Societal norm being the traditional man/woman, monogamous, whose on top type act. So it is very broad reaching. It can include all things outside the norm, homosexual, Bi-sexuality, BDSM, fetish, polygamy, threesomes, foursomes, moresomes, latex, food sex and the list goes on.
A lot of attention, due to some wildly popular publications of recent, has been shed on one fringe community as whole of late. I'm not entirely certain of how comfortable the community is being placed in this rather harsh light of suspicion, judgement and intrigue. That community is BDSM, and let me tell you in my research I have had the pleasure of meeting some pretty awesome practitioners. Shockingly they are less judgmental of me than most of society is of them. I'd like to take just a moment and relay what I've learned so far. We're working on a series of broadcasts to come in December and January with some experienced, intelligent practitioners. Here is the link to the show Sex Talk with Curvy.
It's here where I want to chronicle here my experiences with the culture as a whole. I also want to say, if you are stone cold set against any and/or all aspects of fringe sex, BDSM, Scene play etc... Just go ahead and find something else you will be more comfortable reading because this blog might not be comfortable for you. There is no reason for hate or judgement etc... To each their own, I promise not to judge you based on your ideals, experiences or desires and only ask the same in return.
So let me start by how this idea came to me. I was one of the last people to read the phenom Fifty Shades of Grey. (Slacker, I know, but work and such took precedence) Speaking of work, I've been in the adult industry for years. I started out doing home pleasure parties and have recently only expanded onto the world wide web with my estore etc... Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. I do know what it's like to have someone ask what you do for a living and you have to come up with some way to gently explain, "Hey, I sell dildos and butt plugs, ya want one?" So the awkward silences that usually follow my common answer "I sell adult items to individuals and couples who are looking to add some other dimensions into their sex life and increase their levels of intimacy. I also do sexuality and intimacy sessions to help individuals as well as couples increase their awareness. I try to provide them with the tools they need to sustain a healthy sex life and intimacy within their relationship." are not that new to me.
Being in the adult industry, I have always known about fringe sex, but I never really knew it. Back to how this came to me, I was one of the people who couldn't understand the venom directed at FSOG by some members of the BDSM community as well as so many others. I thought, well it's great, women and men alike are inspired by this to explore their sexuality. How can this be bad? I'm not even sure where to start.
Sure it got people into exploring the kinkier side of sex. The majority of the BDSM community (I've talked to) doesn't have a problem with this per se. That is where the exposure and mild appreciation ends. Yup, that's pretty much it. I'm not doing a book review here, so I'll move on.
I was at a party several weekends ago and had on display all my cool Fifty Shades display merchandise as well as the trilogy. Super great sellers. When I had a gal come to me and asked if I realized I was promoting abuse and rape. Say whaaaaa? I never looked at it that way, I've always understood that the entirety of the community and participant interaction is based on consent. Now, I would never promote these things, I despise these acts, these crime against humanity. So it was rather shocking to me to be accused of promoting it.
In point of fact a few weeks prior to this accusation, I had scheduled another radio broadcast to air on the 10th of November. This particular show is about Sexual Trauma and recovery. So NO Miss Snarky Judgy pants lady I do not promote abuse or rape. When your head exits your ass, you might be able to see the light and stop with the judgements that are so off target. IJS
Anyhoo, this was the very second, after my deer in the headlights look and failed WTF response that I decided to explore this community, this culture. My first step in doing so was to visit Reddit's BDSMcommunity site and did some snooping. After doing some reading, posts and responses, articles etc... I thought to myself these are generally normal, healthy people. *Not scared* So I posted just a few days ago that I was looking for participants on a radio broadcast to shed some light and dispel some myth regarding the BDSM community. I got a few snarky pm's, but for the most part the responses were positive and open.
Again, I have only a loose understanding of even the meaning of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism). There is an entire myriad of other understandings. I had always added in there Dominance and Submission but according to Wikipedia it's not there. So here is the beginning of my confusion. The definition seems to be open to interpretation, I am learning that it depends on who you talk to.
One of my first responders was an individual who identified themselves as a bottom. Huh? So, there are Tops and bottoms as well. I believe there is some importance given to the capitalization of Top/Dom and bottom/sub as well but I've yet to have confirmations. Moving on, this individual I've yet to receive a response after my PM saying something to the tune of "great here's my personal email, please send me a short bio... etc " I'm chatty so there were probably 10,000 more words there that I forgot, I'm assuming that I scared the individual off. (Alas, assume does start with the word ASS, so I could be wrong, consider this my disclaimer)
The second response I got was something like "No one is going to talk to you without knowing what the interview will be like." or something to that effect. I thought, they are right! How insensitive of me. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I should have approached the topic with a little more sensitivity considering the light to which has been shined on the community and probably less like, well, me. Any how, the responder suggested another person who might be interested, so I went for it. :D Sent this other person an email.
Again it went something like the previously mentioned, tact is NOT my strong point. Deal with it, I have to. This person responded and was a complete joy to e-verse (yes, it's made up too. An email conversation = e-verse) with. I will admit that I was a little shaken when they identified themselves as a Sadist. I thought I couldn't get thrown, yet the word itself invoked in me almost a feeling akin to terror. (I watch entirely too much CSI and the like) I can deal with the term Dominant, Dom. etc... There, at this moment, seems something less threatening in that term. (at least I think I can, which more often than not, isn't the case) So after I changed my panties, I emailed the individual again. Was probably more chatty than usual (shocking right) but I was oddly compelled to show my worthiness and ability to conduct the interview in a manner befitting the community. I wanted the individual to like me, to grace me with their presence in the interview. So we shall see if I babbled my way into an awesome interview or right on out the damn door.
That's pretty odd for me, usually, I'm quite the opposite. There has never been anything stand, for long anyway, in my way when I wanted to go after something. I'm a little on the tenacious side. Or mule ass stubborn as my grandmother said. My honey even commented that I seemed a little thrown off my game. So it must have been bad, if he felt he should comment on it. He generally, just lets me be me and is happy when I'm acting my goofy self.
Thirdly there was a super excited response from an individual who identified themselves as a sub (submissive). I immediately liked this person and their excitement to share and dispel some of the misconceptions. Again, through e-verse I might have talked my way in or out of another awesome interview, I can only wait and see.
Then I went for a ride through FetLife. WOW um, ok sure. I had to take off my own judgy panties for this experience. FetLife isn't just BDSM, it's a whole lot more and some of the threads completely skeeved me out to the point of showering and diving into my power puff girls thermal jammies and into bed with the honey. Almost hiding under the covers. So for the sake of, well, me I'll just take this slow and yes, there will be some fetishes that I'll completely avoid because I just can't go there. No, won't go there. But there is a very active, welcoming & I dare say thriving BDSM population on FetLife. I even joined a group, the comfy chair. So let's just pretend I did not see some of the threads I did, and get the bleach for my brain. I might have gotten damaged. (puppies kitties and rainbows, puppies kitties and rainbows)
I'm approaching this entire series with an open mind and a desire to show the humanity of it all. I pride myself in saying I'm a humanist and as long as it's legal and with a willing partner I'm cool with it. This is still true, but again only for those things between participants of majority age who have given their willing consent to be engaged in such a manner. I'm so excited to get to do this exploration, probably more for myself that I will ever admit.
It's strange how utterly inviting it is to me, how oddly attracted I am to this topic. So we shall see how things either progress or digress. Many female readers of FSOG have found themselves empowered to explore some sexuality fringes, while others were completely disgusted with the entirety of the series. I will admit, it made me curious and a little randy. Even Dr. Ruth said she would sleep with Mr. Grey, the male figure in shades! (I'm not even sure what to call him now. Is he a Dominant or a Sadist? Or something else. I just don't know)
So this is going to be fun, exciting and a learning experience for me and I will share it with you all. Stay safe, stay sexy and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
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