Hi there kinksters! I hope you all survived the holiday season relatively unmarred. Or at least have some great stories as to where you got the new scars!
2013 is so far starting out pretty well for us as we had our first KinkEnd show on Friday, check it out here! KinkEnd is a weekly show where Curvy and myself talk about different aspects of kink culture and BDSM. Last week's show was an introduction to Power Exchange.
Power exchange is one of those terms that if heard out of context can mean so many different things to so many different people but in terms of kink culture it is used to describe a relationship where one person holds a majority of the power. A good easy example is the D/s, or dominant/submissive, relationship where the Dominant partner has more power than the submissive does through mutual agreement.
There are any number of different types of power exchange relationships. There are no set rules or standards that need to be fulfilled to qualify. Some relationships are based on one person having virtually all of the power over the other(s) as would be seen in a Master/Mistress and slave relationship. Other relationships are more situational confining the exchange to only certain times or places such as a D/s couple that only takes place in the bedroom.
It may not be for everyone, but it's something that many people find to be sexy and worth trying out.
To learn more about Power Exchange relationships give the show a listen. We hope you enjoy it!
If you have any questions about Power Exchange let me know in the comment section below.
KinkEnd's next show is an Introduction to Sensation and Pain play. And I have to say, as a sadist I'm rather looking forward to this one! :D
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture,
alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel
free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.comdarr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our
best to answer them. You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure. Also be sure to check out our sister blog over on wordpress curviesmuses.com
Those of you that are interested in
reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to
reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
Showing posts with label Domination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Domination. Show all posts
Monday, January 7, 2013
Friday, December 21, 2012
BDSM and Aftercare
I wrote this essay earlier this year to help people understand that there's more to BDSM than just "slap and tickle" and SEX++. You can read more of my writings on our sister blog here at curviesmuses.com.
---------------------------
There is a mantra in the kinky corners of the world, “communication is key”. It’s actually one of the pillars of any relationship based in BDSM. Specifically it’s important to not just have communication but open and honest communication. A great many people, those both established and newish to the scene, may take this idea to mean that it is a way to tell people what you want. This is only half the reason open and honest communication is important. The other side of the coin is just as important, if not more so, since it deals with letting others know what you NEED.
There are times when it’s so easy to let your partner know what it is that you want from them. “Move here”, “Do this”, “hurt there”, “suck that”. It might be quite a breakthrough for many to get to that point and it should in no way be dismissed as wonderful, but when it comes to telling people what you need it can be a bit trickier.
Since “need” is such a primal influence on us it is also, by definition, a very personal thing and typically not something that is easy to share. Some of you will know and understand when I use the word “need”. You’ll understand that I’m not talking about how you “need” a cupcake or “need” a new pair of shoes. I’m talking about a need so base in yourself that you may not understand it yourself. A need to submit, to dominate, to hurt or be hurt or any number of other common (or hell, uncommon) needs.. You may not ever know WHY you have this need, but it is there regardless of what your mind thinks or does. That is a need that can be quite hard to convey to someone else, not just because it’s hard to wrap your mind around but also because it is so hard to put into words.
These needs are nothing to be ashamed of as I hope each of you understands. But that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to deal with in terms of communicating within relationships.
So we all try, to the best of our abilities, to be open and honest with our friends and partners about what it is that we NEED. Some of what we need spills out in conversations, some through negotiation. There will be times that your partner will guess at what you need so that you’ll never have to actually voice it aloud. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, you’ll have a partner that can just read your body or your mind and help you achieve what you need.
Then again, there will be times when you will have to state plainly what it is that you need.
For most people negotiating a scene can be fun, if somewhat clinical. It’s the start of something new and exciting! You’re going to be playing or scening with someone and allowing them to get close to you in a way that not many can. So maybe this is where you allow yourself to start talking about your needs. Take me for example; when I negotiate a scene I am sure to tell my scene partner that I NEED to be able to talk and joke with them during the scene. That is something that took me years to figure out that is very important to me, on a psychological level. I NEED to be able to talk to them and check in with how they are doing, so if I am not able to communicate with them during a scene I know that I WILL have a problem.
So in this time of talking and negotiating, of communicating openly and honestly, many people focus on their immediate needs. They focus on what they want and need to feel during the scene. That’s to be expected! Hell, encouraged!
The problem arises when we don’t look at our needs close enough to see what we will need afterwards. What will we need once the cuffs come off and the floggers are put away.
As some of you may know I was trained in BDSM and mentored under an Old Guard Master and his boy. I was taught so many things by these wonderful men. From how tos, to philosophies to phrases and more. But one thing I was taught that I have found serves me more than all the rest combined is “the scene is only over when everyone is safe”.
This was my first introduction to aftercare. Aftercare is the process of making sure that those involved in a scene are happy, healthy and safe after the “scene” ends.
As a top there are a number of things that I look to immediately after the physical scene ends. I look to be sure my partner is hydrated, water is best but anything non-alcoholic as needed. I make sure they are warm, either blankets, towels or even putting clothes on them. I make sure to TALK to them for a while after (unless they request quiet) to be sure they can think and speak as per normal. I make sure that I did not cross any boundaries, lines or limits with them and that they are unharmed. Obviously the situation may change from scene to scene and from partner to partner, but these are the things that I need to do for my own sake as well as for theirs.
That’s right. I NEED to do these things after a scene. I also NEED to talk to them over the next few days. To make sure that if they drop I am there to help in whatever way I can. There are other things I NEED in aftercare as well but the point is that these needs are no less important than my need to talk during a scene. In many ways my aftercare needs are MORE important because they make sure that I am able to play and scene again without fear of doing harm.
Some people think that when a scene is over, that’s it. Time to move on since everyone, hopefully, got their jollies. The problem is that if a scene went perfectly people’s needs were fulfilled in exciting and dynamic ways that can have lasting effects physically, emotionally and mentally. If a scene did NOT go perfectly. . . well, it’s almost a guarantee that there will be lasting effects.
Some people will need more aftercare than others. I know some people that negotiate hours of cuddling and talking after a physical scene is finished else they don’t play. I also know some that want to be left strictly alone for at LEAST 30 minutes to compose themselves and then just have a smoke and a smile. What people NEED to process a scene will obviously differ depending on the scene and the person. But what is important to remember is that these needs should never be forgotten nor overlooked.
So if you are new to BDSM take some time and think about not just what you want, but what you need to feel the way you want. Do NOT be afraid to ask for what you need, in a scene or after a scene. If you NEED to be bound and whipped, say so! If you NEED to be held and told that you were such a good sub afterwards, SAY SO! If you NEED to just hear that you’re still friends and get a pat on the rear, say so.
When dealing with the things that we do it becomes very important that need outweigh embarrassment. After all, we all NEED you to be safe so that we can all have fun!
-------------
I hope that I was able to answer the question, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these things.
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our best to answer them. You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure.
Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
---------------------------
There is a mantra in the kinky corners of the world, “communication is key”. It’s actually one of the pillars of any relationship based in BDSM. Specifically it’s important to not just have communication but open and honest communication. A great many people, those both established and newish to the scene, may take this idea to mean that it is a way to tell people what you want. This is only half the reason open and honest communication is important. The other side of the coin is just as important, if not more so, since it deals with letting others know what you NEED.
There are times when it’s so easy to let your partner know what it is that you want from them. “Move here”, “Do this”, “hurt there”, “suck that”. It might be quite a breakthrough for many to get to that point and it should in no way be dismissed as wonderful, but when it comes to telling people what you need it can be a bit trickier.
Since “need” is such a primal influence on us it is also, by definition, a very personal thing and typically not something that is easy to share. Some of you will know and understand when I use the word “need”. You’ll understand that I’m not talking about how you “need” a cupcake or “need” a new pair of shoes. I’m talking about a need so base in yourself that you may not understand it yourself. A need to submit, to dominate, to hurt or be hurt or any number of other common (or hell, uncommon) needs.. You may not ever know WHY you have this need, but it is there regardless of what your mind thinks or does. That is a need that can be quite hard to convey to someone else, not just because it’s hard to wrap your mind around but also because it is so hard to put into words.
These needs are nothing to be ashamed of as I hope each of you understands. But that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to deal with in terms of communicating within relationships.
So we all try, to the best of our abilities, to be open and honest with our friends and partners about what it is that we NEED. Some of what we need spills out in conversations, some through negotiation. There will be times that your partner will guess at what you need so that you’ll never have to actually voice it aloud. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, you’ll have a partner that can just read your body or your mind and help you achieve what you need.
Then again, there will be times when you will have to state plainly what it is that you need.
For most people negotiating a scene can be fun, if somewhat clinical. It’s the start of something new and exciting! You’re going to be playing or scening with someone and allowing them to get close to you in a way that not many can. So maybe this is where you allow yourself to start talking about your needs. Take me for example; when I negotiate a scene I am sure to tell my scene partner that I NEED to be able to talk and joke with them during the scene. That is something that took me years to figure out that is very important to me, on a psychological level. I NEED to be able to talk to them and check in with how they are doing, so if I am not able to communicate with them during a scene I know that I WILL have a problem.
So in this time of talking and negotiating, of communicating openly and honestly, many people focus on their immediate needs. They focus on what they want and need to feel during the scene. That’s to be expected! Hell, encouraged!
The problem arises when we don’t look at our needs close enough to see what we will need afterwards. What will we need once the cuffs come off and the floggers are put away.
As some of you may know I was trained in BDSM and mentored under an Old Guard Master and his boy. I was taught so many things by these wonderful men. From how tos, to philosophies to phrases and more. But one thing I was taught that I have found serves me more than all the rest combined is “the scene is only over when everyone is safe”.
This was my first introduction to aftercare. Aftercare is the process of making sure that those involved in a scene are happy, healthy and safe after the “scene” ends.
As a top there are a number of things that I look to immediately after the physical scene ends. I look to be sure my partner is hydrated, water is best but anything non-alcoholic as needed. I make sure they are warm, either blankets, towels or even putting clothes on them. I make sure to TALK to them for a while after (unless they request quiet) to be sure they can think and speak as per normal. I make sure that I did not cross any boundaries, lines or limits with them and that they are unharmed. Obviously the situation may change from scene to scene and from partner to partner, but these are the things that I need to do for my own sake as well as for theirs.
That’s right. I NEED to do these things after a scene. I also NEED to talk to them over the next few days. To make sure that if they drop I am there to help in whatever way I can. There are other things I NEED in aftercare as well but the point is that these needs are no less important than my need to talk during a scene. In many ways my aftercare needs are MORE important because they make sure that I am able to play and scene again without fear of doing harm.
Some people think that when a scene is over, that’s it. Time to move on since everyone, hopefully, got their jollies. The problem is that if a scene went perfectly people’s needs were fulfilled in exciting and dynamic ways that can have lasting effects physically, emotionally and mentally. If a scene did NOT go perfectly. . . well, it’s almost a guarantee that there will be lasting effects.
Some people will need more aftercare than others. I know some people that negotiate hours of cuddling and talking after a physical scene is finished else they don’t play. I also know some that want to be left strictly alone for at LEAST 30 minutes to compose themselves and then just have a smoke and a smile. What people NEED to process a scene will obviously differ depending on the scene and the person. But what is important to remember is that these needs should never be forgotten nor overlooked.
So if you are new to BDSM take some time and think about not just what you want, but what you need to feel the way you want. Do NOT be afraid to ask for what you need, in a scene or after a scene. If you NEED to be bound and whipped, say so! If you NEED to be held and told that you were such a good sub afterwards, SAY SO! If you NEED to just hear that you’re still friends and get a pat on the rear, say so.
When dealing with the things that we do it becomes very important that need outweigh embarrassment. After all, we all NEED you to be safe so that we can all have fun!
-------------
I hope that I was able to answer the question, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these things.
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our best to answer them. You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure.
Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
Friday, December 14, 2012
Dangerous "Webmasters"
Per request this is an essay I wrote about "Webmasters" early this year and was mentioned on the first radio show I did with Curvy.
Let me preface this post by saying I don’t expect
everyone to like it, nor agree with what I have to say. This may well
be more rant than essay by the time I’m done.
There’s a distinct line of demarcation in BDSM. It’s not the line of tops and bottoms, or slaves and masters, nor even pain and pleasure. Sure, those lines do exist but to a much lower degree than what I am discussing. Every day there are people that switch roles or sides of the slash that they want to try out or experiment with. But this line I’m talking about is something that many only feel comfortable on one side or the other, and if and when they DO cross. . . things are never the same.
The line I’m talking about is the internet. When someone steps across the line from reading and typing about something online and actually doing it in real life they’ve crossed the line.
It honestly shocks me whenever I read or hear about someone saying they have years of experience in BDSM but only tack on “online” when prompted or pushed. As if there’s not a difference between reading something and DOING something. You cannot learn how to throw a flogger by reading about it, you cannot understand how to cane someone by watching a video, you cannot take part in a knife scene by typing “I take out my knife”.
Now I’m fully aware that I am of that weird age right now where I grew up without the internet at my fingertips. I didn’t have three computers, a few laptops, a smartphone and a computer lab at school at all times. When I needed to research something I didn’t just “wiki” it, I actually had to REASEARCH it. That being said though, I built my first computer when I was 12 years old and followed the development of the internet with avid interest.
What scares the living fuck out of me is where the internet has brought BDSM. I’m not talking about the chat rooms or the forums. I’m talking about a subspecies of the BDSM practitioners.
The “webmasters”.
These people have little to no real world experience yet demand titles and rights, virtually of course, from all they happen to run across on the ‘net. They’ve “been in the scene” from anywhere from birth to age 15 and will list out any number of “skills” they possess. Needless to say they won’t tell you that they’ve never held a crop in their hand in their life.
These people are dangerous.
Not in the “cool and sexy” way dangerous, but more like the “I need therapy and a restraining order” dangerous.
Many times these webmasters spend no effort in learning about what BDSM is and can be, they are either basing their ideas on stories they may have read or just porn they’ve fapped to. They don’t understand the basics of kink like aftercare, negotiation, respect and they sure as hell don’t get the more intricate aspects like timing, limits, pushing and experience. All they know is that they can live out the fantasies in their mind by typing or speaking. They don’t REALLY have to worry about the person on the other end of the ‘net. . . I mean they WANT this right?
I want to be clear here. I’m not talking about people that are in a kinky long distance relationship (LDR). There is a significant difference between an LDR between two people that are making an effort to be together despite the distance and someone that’s abusive to people they barely know via the internet.
Now I don’t care if there are claims of “But I don’t want to be part of the community” or “The local scene is stupid” or even “There aren’t any kinksters near me”. NONE of that matters when it comes to how you present yourself and how you treat others in a virtual community.
So let me piss off a whole bunch of people here: Online “experience” doesn’t count for shit.
Seriously, if you’ve never had a scene in real life, never topped or bottomed in a scene YOU DO NOT HAVE EXPERIENCE. What you have is random knowledge. More than likely misinformed and piecemeal knowledge that can cause dangerous situations when applied in either a virtual “scene” or your first real world scene.
But let me get practical here. Who cares what these random assholes claim or do? I do, and you should as well. These are the people that lurk on the forums and on the dating websites. Looking for new people that don’t know any better than to ask the right questions. These webmasters will PM or message someone with grandiose claims with demands of obedience or servitude and the new person, not knowing any better, will fall for it. Their first foray into BDSM will be with someone that doesn’t know what the fuck they are doing yet claim to be a “master” with 167 years experience. So now when this webmaster commands this new person to do unhealthy and dangerous things since they’ve “done this hundreds of times before” the new person, who WOULD have been a wonderful addition to the BDSM scene, is harmed, shamed and disgusted with the very idea of kink. All because some jackass wanted to get their rocks off.
I have personally talked to people that have been physically, mentally, emotionally and intellectually abused and damaged by people just like this. They’ve been people on BOTH sides of the slash. I’ve talked to bottoms that were literally scarred by what was done to them in the name of “learning”. I’ve talked to tops that ended up in therapy due to bottoms that were too demanding.
It may be true that the internet is a safer place than it was 20 years ago, but there are still places where the dangers are a real thing. BDSM is one of those places. Kink is one of those things that many people want and desire a level of anonymity when starting out and for some throughout their entire kinky career. Yet anonymity can hide a multitude of faults.
Time after time I read here about people asking questions, which is AWESOME by the way, about how to get started in kink. But I also read a disturbing amount of topics about how people dismiss communities and “real world” activities for various reasons. So many times I cringe while reading those types of posts since I am then forced to wonder. . . where did they get their experience?
I’m not saying that anyone not involved in a real world community is dangerous, although I’ve stated before it’s a red flag for me, nor that those people should be shunned. I’m saying that these “webmasters” are a danger to everyone. Not just new people, but to those of us that are established as well. They are the ones that end up in newspapers under headlines reading “Sex Play Has Tragic Consequences” or “Abuse Victim Met Attacker Online”. These webmasters don’t just give BDSM a bad name they are taking people out of kink altogether. They are making our kinky world smaller with ever badly type command and typo ridden PM.
Why should they care after all? There will always be someone else logging on for the first time. There will always be someone else that doesn’t know enough to ask questions. There will always be those that want to believe and to belong. So who cares that they’ve damaged and harmed some random person on the ‘net. They just need to wait and try again with the next fresh face.
------------------------------------
Please feel free to send any comments or questions to darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com
Until next time kinksters, stay safe and have fun!
DS
There’s a distinct line of demarcation in BDSM. It’s not the line of tops and bottoms, or slaves and masters, nor even pain and pleasure. Sure, those lines do exist but to a much lower degree than what I am discussing. Every day there are people that switch roles or sides of the slash that they want to try out or experiment with. But this line I’m talking about is something that many only feel comfortable on one side or the other, and if and when they DO cross. . . things are never the same.
The line I’m talking about is the internet. When someone steps across the line from reading and typing about something online and actually doing it in real life they’ve crossed the line.
It honestly shocks me whenever I read or hear about someone saying they have years of experience in BDSM but only tack on “online” when prompted or pushed. As if there’s not a difference between reading something and DOING something. You cannot learn how to throw a flogger by reading about it, you cannot understand how to cane someone by watching a video, you cannot take part in a knife scene by typing “I take out my knife”.
Now I’m fully aware that I am of that weird age right now where I grew up without the internet at my fingertips. I didn’t have three computers, a few laptops, a smartphone and a computer lab at school at all times. When I needed to research something I didn’t just “wiki” it, I actually had to REASEARCH it. That being said though, I built my first computer when I was 12 years old and followed the development of the internet with avid interest.
What scares the living fuck out of me is where the internet has brought BDSM. I’m not talking about the chat rooms or the forums. I’m talking about a subspecies of the BDSM practitioners.
The “webmasters”.
These people have little to no real world experience yet demand titles and rights, virtually of course, from all they happen to run across on the ‘net. They’ve “been in the scene” from anywhere from birth to age 15 and will list out any number of “skills” they possess. Needless to say they won’t tell you that they’ve never held a crop in their hand in their life.
These people are dangerous.
Not in the “cool and sexy” way dangerous, but more like the “I need therapy and a restraining order” dangerous.
Many times these webmasters spend no effort in learning about what BDSM is and can be, they are either basing their ideas on stories they may have read or just porn they’ve fapped to. They don’t understand the basics of kink like aftercare, negotiation, respect and they sure as hell don’t get the more intricate aspects like timing, limits, pushing and experience. All they know is that they can live out the fantasies in their mind by typing or speaking. They don’t REALLY have to worry about the person on the other end of the ‘net. . . I mean they WANT this right?
I want to be clear here. I’m not talking about people that are in a kinky long distance relationship (LDR). There is a significant difference between an LDR between two people that are making an effort to be together despite the distance and someone that’s abusive to people they barely know via the internet.
Now I don’t care if there are claims of “But I don’t want to be part of the community” or “The local scene is stupid” or even “There aren’t any kinksters near me”. NONE of that matters when it comes to how you present yourself and how you treat others in a virtual community.
So let me piss off a whole bunch of people here: Online “experience” doesn’t count for shit.
Seriously, if you’ve never had a scene in real life, never topped or bottomed in a scene YOU DO NOT HAVE EXPERIENCE. What you have is random knowledge. More than likely misinformed and piecemeal knowledge that can cause dangerous situations when applied in either a virtual “scene” or your first real world scene.
But let me get practical here. Who cares what these random assholes claim or do? I do, and you should as well. These are the people that lurk on the forums and on the dating websites. Looking for new people that don’t know any better than to ask the right questions. These webmasters will PM or message someone with grandiose claims with demands of obedience or servitude and the new person, not knowing any better, will fall for it. Their first foray into BDSM will be with someone that doesn’t know what the fuck they are doing yet claim to be a “master” with 167 years experience. So now when this webmaster commands this new person to do unhealthy and dangerous things since they’ve “done this hundreds of times before” the new person, who WOULD have been a wonderful addition to the BDSM scene, is harmed, shamed and disgusted with the very idea of kink. All because some jackass wanted to get their rocks off.
I have personally talked to people that have been physically, mentally, emotionally and intellectually abused and damaged by people just like this. They’ve been people on BOTH sides of the slash. I’ve talked to bottoms that were literally scarred by what was done to them in the name of “learning”. I’ve talked to tops that ended up in therapy due to bottoms that were too demanding.
It may be true that the internet is a safer place than it was 20 years ago, but there are still places where the dangers are a real thing. BDSM is one of those places. Kink is one of those things that many people want and desire a level of anonymity when starting out and for some throughout their entire kinky career. Yet anonymity can hide a multitude of faults.
Time after time I read here about people asking questions, which is AWESOME by the way, about how to get started in kink. But I also read a disturbing amount of topics about how people dismiss communities and “real world” activities for various reasons. So many times I cringe while reading those types of posts since I am then forced to wonder. . . where did they get their experience?
I’m not saying that anyone not involved in a real world community is dangerous, although I’ve stated before it’s a red flag for me, nor that those people should be shunned. I’m saying that these “webmasters” are a danger to everyone. Not just new people, but to those of us that are established as well. They are the ones that end up in newspapers under headlines reading “Sex Play Has Tragic Consequences” or “Abuse Victim Met Attacker Online”. These webmasters don’t just give BDSM a bad name they are taking people out of kink altogether. They are making our kinky world smaller with ever badly type command and typo ridden PM.
Why should they care after all? There will always be someone else logging on for the first time. There will always be someone else that doesn’t know enough to ask questions. There will always be those that want to believe and to belong. So who cares that they’ve damaged and harmed some random person on the ‘net. They just need to wait and try again with the next fresh face.
------------------------------------
Please feel free to send any comments or questions to darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com
Until next time kinksters, stay safe and have fun!
DS
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Back to Kinky Clause
and my purely scientific investigation of BDSM. (Fine, that's a lie but whatever). I've been reading The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino. This book is pretty fascinating and has the various segments written by "Masters" in their respective techniques, such as Midori, Lolita Wolf, Laura Antoniou and Madison Young.
It's broken down into nice bite size pieces that even I can handle and absorb into my tiny brain. Not to mention it's extremely well written. It's like Tristan has brought together the rock stars of the BDSM community. There is so much information out there regarding this particular community. A large percentage of it from what I can tell is a little on the skeevy side but there are some genuine people willing and able to teach and impart their knowledge on the subject. This book is definitely on my recommendation list.
I'm also reading Awakening by Elene Sallinger, a second piece of erotic fiction after finally making it through the second book in the FSOG series. (Sorry, I still like these. It's an easy read and I just substitute my own words for her redundant descriptives) Though I have found some similarities, "Stilling" is used in this work as well as is the whole biting her lower lip bringing a raging woody to the uber-hot un-attainable Dom. It causes me to wonder, is this how it starts for single ladies out there discovering their kink? It seems to be a popular trend in fiction, that's for certain.
I've discussed with the honey the prospect of getting a little hands on in my "research", ahem, yeah, that's it Research! I've had him read some of my reading list and tell me what he thinks. I also directed him to the CEPE page posted in an earlier post. Poor thing forgot his English and I'm still uncertain exactly how he responded verbally, but the physical response was well, lets just say exciting. He is an angel and thankfully he goes right along with me in what ever hair-brained sex-capade I get distracted with or my flavor of the month.
I do find it intimidating, even a little scary. I'm pretty type A personality, OCD, clean freak, and what did my producer call me, oh yeah, a germaphobe (not sure that's a word but anyhoo). I do struggle with what "role" I closely identify with. In life I'm pretty much a very dominant personality I control all within my tiny universe (or think I do anyway). Hence the confusion. A Dominant as in the D of the D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship just isn't necessarily something I'm comfortable with. In point of fact, I think I would more closely relate to the submissive in this aspect. Perhaps it's BECAUSE I tend to control so many of the other aspects of our lives, I seek the reprieve from decision-making, scheduling etc... Or perhaps I'm confusing the roles completely.
This establishment of roles and guidelines is essential in the community, as well as of course CONSENT. But then there are other roles, one is termed a Switch. Yup, like a switch hitter for all you baseball fans or others. Anyhoo, I may be over thinking this and making it more difficult than it needs or really is. (Not a shocker, I still use a thermometer to boil water, don't judge me! :D )
Or perhaps it's not necessarily ME I'm concerned about. In a LTR (long-term relationship) that has been relatively vanilla for years outside a little spank and tickle, is it even feasible to think that established life roles can be adjusted for pure sexual satisfaction and exploration? I don't know the answer. It's odd how once we start to look out our sexual desires, they soon become needs.
As I said before, I'm pretty Type A. I can tell you exactly where something is in my home without even looking or thinking because everything has its place. (as long as no one has moved it on me, drives me nuts!) My honey is so relaxed and laid back with me, that it may be part of the reason I'm so dominant in my role as wife and business partner. Yet, let anyone else step wonky to either of us and the fury of the G_ds looks like a happy place to anyone who crosses him. Maybe, I am already in a submissive role and simply don't recognize it for what it is? Perhaps the power exchange that is so prevalent in the BDSM community is merely an illusion, a consensual and albeit convincing one, but still an illusion. Is it possible to be both Dominant and submissive? Is it possible to relinquish control to gain control? Is it possible that one can be so focused on task that they unwittingly become submissive in that action? Maybe I'm just the perfect sub to honeys Dom tendencies or is it the other way around?
Maybe as we seek out our partners we find that perfect mix of I want this, that and the other that when we find it the power exchange is made without our even realizing it. This is one of the reasons I think I'm so intrigued by the BDSM culture. He wanted a wife who was driven to succeed, extremely clean, with a mind for business and adventurous with a big ole bootay. I wanted the strong, silent, pick me up when I fall & treat me like a Queen, Knight in Shining Armor.
Again, maybe just maybe this is part of the discovery process. Perhaps I need to spend more time thinking about, pondering and musing over sexuality. (As IF, I don't do it enough already) Perhaps everyone needs to take a moment regularly and think about sex and their desires. No more dead bedroom issues, no more unsatisfactory outcomes, no more "I wish ____ would _____." Has western culture deprived us of our ability to be sexual creatures comfortably? Maybe we have allowed it so long that for some sex is more perfunctory than pleasure. Have we been convinced that sensation and the experience of physical sensation is reduced to good vs bad?
The techniques and the level of communication is still astounding to me. I love it, I really love it! I may find myself stagnated in this spot of role definition but talking about the variety of kink has taken over our sexy bed time talk so we shall see. Maybe I need to get out the chocolate syrup to mix up our vanilla. Or I may just accidentally bring home some product to try out before it gets to go on the store site. :D (Career with bene's IJS)
Perhaps kink is like a seed, it may or may not grow it just depends on whether or not you water it. Either way, it appears the more I learn the more questions I have. You know curiosity and the cat? I feel like one in a room full of rocking chairs! But it's an interesting escapade and I am really enjoying the journey and the lovely people I've gotten to meet and talk with.
One thing I will say about this adventure is that while I'm still uncommitted to the lifestyle, it sure has been enlightening and at the least has brought out some questions and aren't they really the pave-stones of the paths we choose?
This Saturday kicks off our Kinky Clause, there are 5 segments each Saturday in December at 10:00pm. This segment may be extended based on the interest and request of readers and listeners alike. The link to this weekends show is Sex Talk with Curvy Due to scheduling conflict, the initial show will be re-aired on its scheduled date rather than live. If you have any questions for our guest, please get them in to me as soon as possible.
So grab the water hose, spray me down, stay sexy, tune in for our kinky clause segments and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
It's broken down into nice bite size pieces that even I can handle and absorb into my tiny brain. Not to mention it's extremely well written. It's like Tristan has brought together the rock stars of the BDSM community. There is so much information out there regarding this particular community. A large percentage of it from what I can tell is a little on the skeevy side but there are some genuine people willing and able to teach and impart their knowledge on the subject. This book is definitely on my recommendation list.
I'm also reading Awakening by Elene Sallinger, a second piece of erotic fiction after finally making it through the second book in the FSOG series. (Sorry, I still like these. It's an easy read and I just substitute my own words for her redundant descriptives) Though I have found some similarities, "Stilling" is used in this work as well as is the whole biting her lower lip bringing a raging woody to the uber-hot un-attainable Dom. It causes me to wonder, is this how it starts for single ladies out there discovering their kink? It seems to be a popular trend in fiction, that's for certain.
I've discussed with the honey the prospect of getting a little hands on in my "research", ahem, yeah, that's it Research! I've had him read some of my reading list and tell me what he thinks. I also directed him to the CEPE page posted in an earlier post. Poor thing forgot his English and I'm still uncertain exactly how he responded verbally, but the physical response was well, lets just say exciting. He is an angel and thankfully he goes right along with me in what ever hair-brained sex-capade I get distracted with or my flavor of the month.
I do find it intimidating, even a little scary. I'm pretty type A personality, OCD, clean freak, and what did my producer call me, oh yeah, a germaphobe (not sure that's a word but anyhoo). I do struggle with what "role" I closely identify with. In life I'm pretty much a very dominant personality I control all within my tiny universe (or think I do anyway). Hence the confusion. A Dominant as in the D of the D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship just isn't necessarily something I'm comfortable with. In point of fact, I think I would more closely relate to the submissive in this aspect. Perhaps it's BECAUSE I tend to control so many of the other aspects of our lives, I seek the reprieve from decision-making, scheduling etc... Or perhaps I'm confusing the roles completely.
This establishment of roles and guidelines is essential in the community, as well as of course CONSENT. But then there are other roles, one is termed a Switch. Yup, like a switch hitter for all you baseball fans or others. Anyhoo, I may be over thinking this and making it more difficult than it needs or really is. (Not a shocker, I still use a thermometer to boil water, don't judge me! :D )
Or perhaps it's not necessarily ME I'm concerned about. In a LTR (long-term relationship) that has been relatively vanilla for years outside a little spank and tickle, is it even feasible to think that established life roles can be adjusted for pure sexual satisfaction and exploration? I don't know the answer. It's odd how once we start to look out our sexual desires, they soon become needs.
As I said before, I'm pretty Type A. I can tell you exactly where something is in my home without even looking or thinking because everything has its place. (as long as no one has moved it on me, drives me nuts!) My honey is so relaxed and laid back with me, that it may be part of the reason I'm so dominant in my role as wife and business partner. Yet, let anyone else step wonky to either of us and the fury of the G_ds looks like a happy place to anyone who crosses him. Maybe, I am already in a submissive role and simply don't recognize it for what it is? Perhaps the power exchange that is so prevalent in the BDSM community is merely an illusion, a consensual and albeit convincing one, but still an illusion. Is it possible to be both Dominant and submissive? Is it possible to relinquish control to gain control? Is it possible that one can be so focused on task that they unwittingly become submissive in that action? Maybe I'm just the perfect sub to honeys Dom tendencies or is it the other way around?
Maybe as we seek out our partners we find that perfect mix of I want this, that and the other that when we find it the power exchange is made without our even realizing it. This is one of the reasons I think I'm so intrigued by the BDSM culture. He wanted a wife who was driven to succeed, extremely clean, with a mind for business and adventurous with a big ole bootay. I wanted the strong, silent, pick me up when I fall & treat me like a Queen, Knight in Shining Armor.
Again, maybe just maybe this is part of the discovery process. Perhaps I need to spend more time thinking about, pondering and musing over sexuality. (As IF, I don't do it enough already) Perhaps everyone needs to take a moment regularly and think about sex and their desires. No more dead bedroom issues, no more unsatisfactory outcomes, no more "I wish ____ would _____." Has western culture deprived us of our ability to be sexual creatures comfortably? Maybe we have allowed it so long that for some sex is more perfunctory than pleasure. Have we been convinced that sensation and the experience of physical sensation is reduced to good vs bad?
The techniques and the level of communication is still astounding to me. I love it, I really love it! I may find myself stagnated in this spot of role definition but talking about the variety of kink has taken over our sexy bed time talk so we shall see. Maybe I need to get out the chocolate syrup to mix up our vanilla. Or I may just accidentally bring home some product to try out before it gets to go on the store site. :D (Career with bene's IJS)
Perhaps kink is like a seed, it may or may not grow it just depends on whether or not you water it. Either way, it appears the more I learn the more questions I have. You know curiosity and the cat? I feel like one in a room full of rocking chairs! But it's an interesting escapade and I am really enjoying the journey and the lovely people I've gotten to meet and talk with.
One thing I will say about this adventure is that while I'm still uncommitted to the lifestyle, it sure has been enlightening and at the least has brought out some questions and aren't they really the pave-stones of the paths we choose?
This Saturday kicks off our Kinky Clause, there are 5 segments each Saturday in December at 10:00pm. This segment may be extended based on the interest and request of readers and listeners alike. The link to this weekends show is Sex Talk with Curvy Due to scheduling conflict, the initial show will be re-aired on its scheduled date rather than live. If you have any questions for our guest, please get them in to me as soon as possible.
So grab the water hose, spray me down, stay sexy, tune in for our kinky clause segments and as always...
Stay Curvy
XOXO
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