before you talk about spicing it up. I sell sex related goods for a living, and it's not very often you will find someone who is going to tell you not to jump to their store and spend your hard-earned money. So listen up, "Don't jump to my store and spend your hard-earned money until you consider these things." I said it. I have a real issue with throwing money at problems and hoping they take an extended trip to the mall. Seriously. So for the purpose of this "spice" related article we'll use the term Mild, Medium, Hot & Fire. (I really want to take a trip to Taco Bell at the moment?)
Lets first talk about sexual palette. When I say this, I usually get those one eyebrow arched looks from my group. So let me clarify what I mean by this. Your sexual palette is similar to your taste palette. Some people are blessed with an expansive palette in the culinary world. They can distinguish and enjoy (for the most part) many things put in their mouths. Therefore a sexual palette it's pretty much the same only with a physical and sexual twist. Again, some people are blessed with an expansive sexual palette and can find and seek out sexual pleasure in a multitude of ways and activities. So your sexual palette is the gauge in which you choose your sexual activities. Keeping that in mind lets look at the spice level of the different sexual palettes.
Mild: This is the small pleasures or no spice palettes. This person is the one who is "fine" with partially successful sexual encounters. Happy with missionary. Reserved (or embarrassed) when it comes to sex, and don't even mention oral or anal. Generally not very vocal about sexual desires. Rarely initiates sexual encounters. Considers sex to be obligatory (if in a relationship). They rarely masturbate, or when they do they deny it. The mention of the word "sex" or "sex toys" makes them blush and divert their eyes from the speaker. They are the "lights off" people. The partially dressed, "you don't need to see it to do it, I took the undies off but am leaving on my night-shirt" people. They sometimes get embarrassed or irritated when a sex scene flashes across the screen. Sex toys? *blushes*
It's ok, there are so many people in this stage of the sexual palette. There is nothing wrong with being satisfied with the small sexual pleasures. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this sexual palette, it's just as healthy and individual as the rest. If you find yourself and/or your partner are in this sexual palette, are satisfied and happy; I say to you WONDERFUL! Don't fix what isn't broken! However, if you and/or your partner find this category fits you and you are NOT satisfied, or happy with it you need to take a moment to yourself and evaluate what would be satisfying for you.
One last mention on this particular sexual palette, at some point in our lives we are all in this stage. It might be a short period of time or expand the entirety of our lives and it can come and go like the wind. The only time this stage becomes an issue in relationships is when one partner is in this stage for an extended period of time and the other partner is not. Before you run out and buy some whips and chains, evaluate where you are sexually and where you want to be. Take small steps and NEVER go beyond what you are comfortable with to please someone else. It's your body you are simply allowing someone else access to it, not ownership.
Medium: These are the step beyond the mild palette types. They are happy with sex while still a bit reserved. They will occasionally switch up sexual positions and do small experimentations. Oral sex is a small part of their sexual lives and desires. They will occasionally initiate sexual encounters. During special moments they will vocalize a sexual desire either before, during or after sex. They might look away at the mention of "sex" or "sex toys" but they are listening. They might "peek" at the sex scenes but are not comfortable actively watching them. Lights on or off, it depends on their mood as does the level of their dress or undress. They masturbate on occasion but "please don't ask me about it". Toys, they are open to the idea but are less experienced with toy fun. As with all the sexual palettes, there is nothing wrong with these palettes. If you and/or your partner are happy and content with your sexual lives why change it?
Hot: Even further along are the hot palette types. These enjoy sex, they engage, initiate and actively participate in it. Foreplay is important and can last for hours. Oral sex is a big ole' yes! They consider if not dabble in the fringe sex styles (BDSM, Fetish sex, same-sex experimentation, tantra study) They are vocal about their sexual desires, before during and after sex. They will watch those sex scenes without wavering or a pinkish tinge flushing their faces. They might even want to "try it out". Lights on or off, kitchen or bedroom, office or home they are down for it. Masturbating? They are the "yes, and I like it" people. They actively seek out their own sexual pleasures and are not afraid to ask for what they want. Like the two palettes prior, there is nothing wrong with this palette. Not one is better than the other as long as the involved parties are comfortable and satisfied. Toys, sure they have a few and they know how to use them.
Fire: These types are out of the frying pan and straight into the fire. They seek out extreme sexual encounters, they hunt for that next thrill that test of endurance. Oral, Anal, Podiary Sex, the if you can think it and make it fit and it feels good sex. These people are sexual acrobats and fringe sex is their speciality. They study, experiment in and savor sex and sexual variety. Porn is a part of their sexual repertoire and they enjoy to act out scenes with their lovers. Masturbating, "can I please?" These types thrive on sexual pleasure, they go beyond asking for what they want to ensuring that they get it. They are the more the merrier, the sex on a park bench mid-day. The traffic jam oral next to the guy or girl in the truck or suv so they can see people. These are the "I might need a new set of luggage for all my toys."
Again, not one of these palettes are "better" or "worse" than the next. They are as individual as the people and are not exclusive. You can be a lights off, anal loving Tantric goddess, can't watch a sex scene person. The best thing about sex is that you can do what ever your like (as long as its legal) and as long as your partner is willing to go along with you in it. I'm a humanist, I strongly believe that if it feels good, if it is legal, and if your partner is willing to allow or go along with it then DO IT! There are so many attributes to describe the various sexual tendencies, but that would require a book not a blog. If you want to do a self-evaluation, see where you fall in with your own sexual tendencies take a minute and jot down that you like, think about what palette you think it might fall into and have fun with it.
Now lets take a look at where you are and where you want to be. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, not one palette is better than the next and if it's not broken then don't f'ing try to fix it.
Evaluate three things to determine what level of spice you are willing to participate in.
1. What you currently do.
2. What you are open or willing to do.
3. What you won't do.
It's easier to do this in columns. Write your header then your list under each header.
You can do this alone or with your partner. This is the first step in adding spice to your sex life, if you choose to. Again, if you and your partner are satisfied and happy with your current sexual palette there is no need to change it. This exercise not only defines your desires and expresses your "deal breakers" it opens a line of intimate communication between you and your partner. (Super super important in terms of intimacy)
Similar to the first exercise do this in columns and fill in your own ideals of what sexual activity falls into which sexual palette for you,
Again, you can do this alone or with your partner. Use the notes from the first exercise to add in here where you feel they fit. The entirety of these exercises are to get you to think about your sexual palette and decide if "spice" is what you are actually seeking or if INTIMACY is the ultimate goal. You can have the most awesome sex on the planet, but if you are lacking intimacy adding spice won't really do that much for you.
Get creative with what you are willing to do within your comfort zone and take a serious look at these either alone or with your partner before you break out your seriously hard-earned cash to try to buy spice. There is no right or wrong answer, no right or wrong palette so have fun, engage your partner in the activity and most importantly...