Monday, October 1, 2012

Desperately Seeking...

turned actively participating.

I'm afraid that many of us have been taught complacency in sex. There are many themes out there, be a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets, love yourself etc... and it's all very "red book". But yet we still, on the next page, talk of how our lovers have to get us ready with tonnes of foreplay, romance, intimacy etc...

YES, yes and yes these are all true but at what point are we, women, responsible for our own O? I juggle the lady in the street, freak in the sheet right along with business woman, mother, wife, household manager, pool girl, hot tub tester, sex toy collector, beauty lover, PMS having, insecure, moody asshole as well as a host of other things. My mother told me I'd have to master many things to achieve a modicum of success but she never told me to master my own orgasm!

Yes, I like foreplay (very much) Yes, I like intimacy (even more) and Yes, (yes oh yes) I like my orgasms. But I do not rely on anyone to "give me" one. In my hectic world "gimme" got replaced with "if you want it you better get it" or to quote the cable guy "geterdun".

I've heard women complain, "I want more foreplay", "I need more intimacy", "There's no romance" etc... and yes these are valid. So my answer is simple: If you want it, make it happen. Our partners, whether they be of the opposite sex, same-sex or even group sex don't intuitively know what we want or need to achieve our "O". We do, each individual is unique in what we need for sexual satisfaction. What one person may have been "taught" is great love-making might be a complete turn off for their next partner. It might even be an "up and run" moment, that is Pull your panties Up and Run!

So if you want more foreplay, make it happen. If you need more intimacy, be more intimate and if you are lacking in romance create some. Seriously, going on a beautiful tropical island sounds intimate, romantic, sexy and hot. It may well be that it is hot, as in the 90's with a humidity of 99% but if you don't bring sexy to that island you won't find it there, it's a f'ing island. Being a sexually empowered woman is not a bad thing, we are not living in that constraining era where you thought of the queen on your wedding night because there was nothing in it for you. It doesn't matter how you like sex, whether it be vanilla, or some funky monkey sex. (Who has the ice cream?) If you want a little spank n tickle get your best "teachers pet" outfit on and greet your honey at the door. Don't wait for them to "give" you your joy, you might be waiting a long time.

I spent years thinking that the guy who could "gimme" an orgasm was the best suit for me in my own purple room of pleasure. Those are years completely wasted, the Cosmo articles that said the best boyfriend is the one who "makes you happy", "makes you secure", "Gives you the O" now line my parrot's cage. No man, woman, human, toy or internet connection can "GIVE" you these things, or "MAKE" you have these feelings.

During these years I had heard that the French were super romantic and sensual as part of their culture. (I love me some French even fries!) Anyhoo, when I met my husband I was with a girlie friend of mine and he came in and spoke and I was had. I mean had, owned, possessed. Of course it would have been nice had he even noticed me at that time. After he left I looked at my girl friend and said "Did you see him?" "Did you hear him talk?" after she said "Yes" to both questions I wrapped up the conversation with "I want one." Little did I know that my pre-conceived notions about the sexual prowess of the French were more than a little skewed. I expected, (once he finally noticed me), romance, chocolate and rich food with hours of passion and sensuality. These notions took up quite a bit of my masturbatory time, and a whole lot of my fantasies.

My husband is an excellent lover, but initially, I wasn't sure we would be compatible. He's not the French romantic I'd heard about, though he does work to accommodate my ideas of being romanced. Intimacy, he was about as intimate as a porcupine. The sex was great after the 10th or 12th time. Don't get me wrong, it was good prior to that, I got my O's given to me. As our relationship progressed I realized that he was doing all the relationship work. I was making the demands for him to be the "French guy" I had materialized in my head, yet at that time he was just the body and accent of that fictional character.

It was then I lost my "O". Seriously lost it, gone, vanished, nothing could do it for me. Realizing I was being relationship selfish stole my O!!!! I had gone through a period of not wanting to be touched, looked at, spoken to, or even acknowledged. I just wanted to be an observer of life not an active participant. I became that cold, rigid roommate wife. Kissing, puhleeese. Intimacy, became try it if you dare. My mother, bless her soul, sat me down in her "little" way and told me to "stop being a selfish bitch". (I know RIGHT!!!! My mother was about 4'9" 100lbs of demure, blushing at the mention of "s.e.x.", no cursing because it's not lady like, June Clever type) So for her to use that language with me was the shock I needed to get my ass in order. Now while she didn't tell me to find my own O, she did tell me that no person will ever live up to some "Pie in the clouds ideal" of a perfect lover. She said that no lover is perfect in all their aspects and that if I wanted, really wanted love I had to actively participate.

In my search for my O, I substituted the word orgasm for love in her final statement on the subject. (the love was always there, it was the O that went to prison) Guess what, I FOUND MY O AGAIN!!!!! It wasn't hiding in his pocket, under the sofa or in some fancy schmancy restaurant with over priced snails. It was asleep within me, covered in dust bunnies and more than a little pissed off at being neglected for so long.

My views on intimacy changed so much, I no longer sought out my happiness in someone else. Or placed these ridiculous guidelines on how to be "my kind" of romantic. Gone were the days of you have to get me hot to get the girl parts. I learned to get myself hot. I learned to find romance where ever we were together. I learned to seek out intimacy in every day activities we did together.

Cosmo has gone a long way in the female sexual repertoire, it has helped us in so many ways to express our sexuality. It has given us a voice whereas years ago we didn't have one. At the same time it has made some of us, or at least me, co-dependent on someone else giving us our happiness, our intimacy, our romance and yes, even our orgasms. Its made us aware that we can voice our needs, but also at the same time made us a little whiny (for lack of a better word), more demanding and less self-sufficient in the sex department. I know that is going to piss off some of my sisters, but it's really not intended to. I want for all my sexy sisters to be empowered in their own sexuality. Complaining that you don't get enough foreplay, isn't empowerment, it's complaining.

It's not just our partners jobs to get us going, we need to take some responsibility in this area and do for ourselves. Sometimes just planning a sexy night is enough to get me warmed up, and spending a few moments plotting how to answer the door (lingerie or high heels and a smile) is super sexy. Being out in the woods with my honey became sexy for me, because he enjoyed it so much.

So ladies, lets stop desperately seeking someone to fulfill us sexually and actively participate in getting ourselves warmed up and hot. Thinking about what we want to do to our lovers or them do to us for just a few minutes each day goes a long way in getting us ready for sex. We cannot continue to be dependent on others to find our happiness or sexuality. I don't need any person to tell me I'm beautiful all I have to do is look in the mirror and see something about myself that I can consider beautiful. I don't need someone to tell me I'm sexy to know that I can be, at any time, as sexy as I wanna be. :D

Girlie friends, get yourself some sexy panties spend a couple more moments as you lotion your legs and body. Invest in your own sexuality and I guarantee you, sexual fulfillment will be at your finger tips. (literally) Enjoy yourselves, pleasure yourselves find what really turns you on and spend a minute or two each day thinking about it. Sex is natural, it can be mind numbingly awesome but you must have the mindset for it, no partner can give you that mindset, you have to create it within yourselves. Talking about sex with your lover is super hot. Make it a game that plays out for a week, Monday, Wednesday, Friday you and your lover exchange sexual favor notes. That is how you spice it up and how you become empowered in your own sexuality.

Now guys, gents & lovers, this isn't your lazy pass either. I guarantee once you find your sexy lover all empowered and turned on because they have been thinking about you, you are in for a treat. But don't slack off either, you have to initiate intimacy, romance and sex as well. You have to put yourself out there to your partner in order for them to put themselves out there for you. Great sex is a partnership. A mutually beneficial, erotic, sexy, hot, exhilarating partnership.

So guys and dolls, get sexy find your erotic side, dust it off and empower yourself sexually. Get busy, do it now and as always...

Stay Curvy!



  1. On a short note, I think the same thought is all to true for guys. Guys need to speak up, and share sex with their partner...They won't know what the hell you want if you don't tell them or show them. Here is a heads-up they can no more read our minds than we can read theirs...Novel idea if you open up to them you might find you have more than you expected sitting across the table from you.

  2. Yes it is! It's true for anyone who is slackin in the sack. ;) Love it, and its so true that once that little crack shows in a fence a tiger might push its way through. Or a cougar. :D

  3. I've always believed in taking the responsibility for my own pleasure and not leaving it in the hands of someone who may or may not be able to provide it. It's not that guys don't know what they want or are unable or even incapable of giving voice to their needs; we get taught that the woman's needs are more important; what she wants and the way she wants it trumps anything we might have in mind.

    So we tend to cater to a woman's needs and desires first and foremost, like more foreplay, intimacy, stuff like that. Women tell us that we suck at these things and sometimes we do because we don't think in those terms... until we start having sex with a woman and find out that, um, there's a lot of shit we have to do in order to please her and, yeah, we fail more often than not.

    So while I agree that men and women should do whatever they gotta do to get theirs, ah, man, if you're a guy, all it takes is to have one of those "what about my needs?" conversations with a woman to really put whatever he may want from her on hold indefinitely. Even I've had this conversation and have had women tell me, "If you can't give me what I want, I'm not giving you whatever the fuck it is you're talking about, fool..."

    The problem here, of course, isn't a lack of ability on my part; it's usually them not really knowing what they want or the way they want it and asking women for this important information isn't as easy or as simple as it seems; in this, guys will get the "You're supposed to know what you're doing!" speech and we've been setup to fail from that moment on.

  4. KDaddy you a sultry one. ;) It's true, a lot of times, as for the ladies I've talked to and counseled, don't really know (or are embarrassed by) their sexual needs.

    Imagine how happy the world would be if everyone were able to express their sexual needs without fear, shame or embarrassment. Who would have time for war, we'd all be gettin busy! :D

    I'd love for all my sexy sisters out there to find their sexy, express it and find their joy within themselves. Of course the same goes for all my sultry hot brothers.

    In my humble (even if it's loud) opinion, that veil of shame that has been placed on sex and sexuality needs to be thrown off. I lived under that concrete repressive environment for years and I had said "You're supposed to know what you're doing!" Then got uber-bitchy when I didn't (after many tries) get mine. LOL It is a set up for failure and then comes the blame and that sucks.

    As it turns out the only blame is the shame that is placed on something so natural and one of the few joys people can have that is unique to them. I was raised in the environment that sex was a "man" thing and something we were "subject" to and weren't really supposed to enjoy it. But that was right after the dinosaurs, so a little dated.

    I'll never forget a group of friends and I were playing a drinking card game (with my mother, bless her) who didn't drink and like I said turned red at the spelling of s.e.x. my bestest guy buddy, after a few rounds got to ask my mother a question. I knew it would be bad, he asked her if she ever had an orgasm. My little mother responded with "No, you want to make it happen for me?" It dawned on me then, we are all sexual, regardless of what we have been taught or what society tells us our sexual rolls are or should be or what is right or wrong sexually. It really hurt me that my mother lived her life so sexually repressed and I felt so terrible bad for her.

    So yeah, I want the world to love sex in all its fun and funky forms. The only way I can think of to accomplish this is through discussions on sex and sexuality.