Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Devling into

"fringes" of sex and sexuality...

Now the jury is out on whether or not I like the term "Fringe" but as in all things, fringe tends to be that close to the edge... thing. Whether it be a fringe science, a fringe religion or fringe sex. It's generally considered outside the norm. According to fringe is "Not part of the mainstream; unconventional, peripheral, or extreme" so I guess it applies here. The only issue I have with it is I believe it marginalizes an entire population of practitioners of "fringe sex".

So what is fringe sex?

Urban Dictionary say this:
1. fringe sex
The act of using one's fringe in order to give somebody sexual pleasure.
Particularly enjoyed by those who harbour a rather unusual fetish for fringes, fringe sex works best with a long straight fringe that can more easily be wrapped around the genitals.

MMMMMMMk, so let's go with my definition of fringe sex instead. (I might need to start a dictionary of my own for my made up words and such) *snore*

Fringe sex, in my opinion is any sexual act that exists outside the societal norm. Societal norm being the traditional man/woman, monogamous, whose on top type act. So it is very broad reaching. It can include all things outside the norm, homosexual, Bi-sexuality, BDSM, fetish, polygamy, threesomes, foursomes, moresomes, latex, food sex and the list goes on.

A lot of attention, due to some wildly popular publications of recent, has been shed on one fringe community as whole of late. I'm not entirely certain of how comfortable the community is being placed in this rather harsh light of suspicion, judgement and intrigue. That community is BDSM, and let me tell you in my research I have had the pleasure of meeting some pretty awesome practitioners. Shockingly they are less judgmental of me than most of society is of them. I'd like to take just a moment and relay what I've learned so far. We're working on a series of broadcasts to come in December and January with some experienced, intelligent practitioners. Here is the link to the show Sex Talk with Curvy.

It's here where I want to chronicle here my experiences with the culture as a whole. I also want to say, if you are stone cold set against any and/or all aspects of fringe sex, BDSM, Scene play etc... Just go ahead and find something else you will be more comfortable reading because this blog might not be comfortable for you. There is no reason for hate or judgement etc... To each their own, I promise not to judge you based on your ideals, experiences or desires and only ask the same in return.

So let me start by how this idea came to me. I was one of the last people to read the phenom Fifty Shades of Grey. (Slacker, I know, but work and such took precedence) Speaking of work, I've been in the adult industry for years. I started out doing home pleasure parties and have recently only expanded onto the world wide web with my estore etc... Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. I do know what it's like to have someone ask what you do for a living and you have to come up with some way to gently explain, "Hey, I sell dildos and butt plugs, ya want one?" So the awkward silences that usually follow my common answer "I sell adult items to individuals and couples who are looking to add some other dimensions into their sex life and increase their levels of intimacy. I also do sexuality and intimacy sessions to help individuals as well as couples increase their awareness. I try to provide them with the tools they need to sustain a healthy sex life and intimacy within their relationship." are not that new to me.

Being in the adult industry, I have always known about fringe sex, but I never really knew it. Back to how this came to me, I was one of the people who couldn't understand the venom directed at FSOG by some members of the BDSM community as well as so many others. I thought, well it's great, women and men alike are inspired by this to explore their sexuality. How can this be bad? I'm not even sure where to start.

Sure it got people into exploring the kinkier side of sex. The majority of the BDSM community (I've talked to) doesn't have a problem with this per se. That is where the exposure and mild appreciation ends. Yup, that's pretty much it. I'm not doing a book review here, so I'll move on.

I was at a party several weekends ago and had on display all my cool Fifty Shades display merchandise as well as the trilogy. Super great sellers. When I had a gal come to me and asked if I realized I was promoting abuse and rape. Say whaaaaa? I never looked at it that way, I've always understood that the entirety of the community and participant interaction is based on consent. Now, I would never promote these things, I despise these acts, these crime against humanity. So it was rather shocking to me to be accused of promoting it.

In point of fact a few weeks prior to this accusation, I had scheduled another radio broadcast to air on the 10th of November. This particular show is about Sexual Trauma and recovery. So NO Miss Snarky Judgy pants lady I do not promote abuse or rape. When your head exits your ass, you might be able to see the light and stop with the judgements that are so off target. IJS

Anyhoo, this was the very second, after my deer in the headlights look and failed WTF response that I decided to explore this community, this culture. My first step in doing so was to visit Reddit's BDSMcommunity site and did some snooping. After doing some reading, posts and responses, articles etc... I thought to myself these are generally normal, healthy people. *Not scared* So I posted just a few days ago that I was looking for participants on a radio broadcast to shed some light and dispel some myth regarding the BDSM community. I got a few snarky pm's, but for the most part the responses were positive and open.

Again, I have only a loose understanding of even the meaning of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism). There is an entire myriad of other understandings. I had always added in there Dominance and Submission but according to Wikipedia it's not there. So here is the beginning of my confusion. The definition seems to be open to interpretation, I am learning that it depends on who you talk to.

One of my first responders was an individual who identified themselves as a bottom. Huh? So, there are Tops and bottoms as well. I believe there is some importance given to the capitalization of Top/Dom and bottom/sub as well but I've yet to have confirmations. Moving on, this individual I've yet to receive a response after my PM saying something to the tune of "great here's my personal email, please send me a short bio... etc " I'm chatty so there were probably 10,000 more words there that I forgot, I'm assuming that I scared the individual off. (Alas, assume does start with the word ASS, so I could be wrong, consider this my disclaimer)

The second response I got was something like "No one is going to talk to you without knowing what the interview will be like." or something to that effect. I thought, they are right! How insensitive of me. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I should have approached the topic with a little more sensitivity considering the light to which has been shined on the community and probably less like, well, me. Any how, the responder suggested another person who might be interested, so I went for it. :D Sent this other person an email.

Again it went something like the previously mentioned, tact is NOT my strong point. Deal with it, I have to. This person responded and was a complete joy to e-verse (yes, it's made up too. An email conversation = e-verse) with. I will admit that I was a little shaken when they identified themselves as a Sadist. I thought I couldn't get thrown, yet the word itself invoked in me almost a feeling akin to terror. (I watch entirely too much CSI and the like) I can deal with the term Dominant, Dom. etc... There, at this moment, seems something less threatening in that term. (at least I think I can, which more often than not, isn't the case) So after I changed my panties, I emailed the individual again. Was probably more chatty than usual (shocking right) but I was oddly compelled to show my worthiness and ability to conduct the interview in a manner befitting the community. I wanted the individual to like me, to grace me with their presence in the interview. So we shall see if I babbled my way into an awesome interview or right on out the damn door.

That's pretty odd for me, usually, I'm quite the opposite. There has never been anything stand, for long anyway, in my way when I wanted to go after something. I'm a little on the tenacious side. Or mule ass stubborn as my grandmother said. My honey even commented that I seemed a little thrown off my game. So it must have been bad, if he felt he should comment on it. He generally, just lets me be me and is happy when I'm acting my goofy self.

Thirdly there was a super excited response from an individual who identified themselves as a sub (submissive). I immediately liked this person and their excitement to share and dispel some of the misconceptions. Again, through e-verse I might have talked my way in or out of another awesome interview, I can only wait and see.

Then I went for a ride through FetLife. WOW um, ok sure. I had to take off my own judgy panties for this experience. FetLife isn't just BDSM, it's a whole lot more and some of the threads completely skeeved me out to the point of showering and diving into my power puff girls thermal jammies and into bed with the honey. Almost hiding under the covers. So for the sake of, well, me I'll just take this slow and yes, there will be some fetishes that I'll completely avoid because I just can't go there. No, won't go there. But there is a very active, welcoming & I dare say thriving BDSM population on FetLife. I even joined a group, the comfy chair. So let's just pretend I did not see some of the threads I did, and get the bleach for my brain. I might have gotten damaged. (puppies kitties and rainbows, puppies kitties and rainbows)

I'm approaching this entire series with an open mind and a desire to show the humanity of it all. I pride myself in saying I'm a humanist and as long as it's legal and with a willing partner I'm cool with it. This is still true, but again only for those things between participants of majority age who have given their willing consent to be engaged in such a manner. I'm so excited to get to do this exploration, probably more for myself that I will ever admit.

It's strange how utterly inviting it is to me, how oddly attracted I am to this topic. So we shall see how things either progress or digress. Many female readers of FSOG have found themselves empowered to explore some sexuality fringes, while others were completely disgusted with the entirety of the series. I will admit, it made me curious and a little randy. Even Dr. Ruth said she would sleep with Mr. Grey, the male figure in shades! (I'm not even sure what to call him now. Is he a Dominant or a Sadist? Or something else. I just don't know)

So this is going to be fun, exciting and a learning experience for me and I will share it with you all. Stay safe, stay sexy and as always...

Stay Curvy



  1. Well written well said, Damn lady between you and Becca and KK I'm surprised you three haven't lit the world on fire. aka " Burning down the house!" :)

  2. The thing about the 'societal norm' is that is has expanded; that boy/girl/monogamous and married thing has been taking a backseat to other methods of sexual expression and sexuality. It takes a book like "50 Shades of Gray" to shine the light onto something that has been a part of some peoples' lives for a very long time, making BDSM the 'new' hot-button topic that has, from what I've heard, had a lot of women wetting their panties - it's now more mainstream in that sense so calling it fringe sex is, in my opinion, bullshit; it's just a term that seeks to widen the gap between 'normal' sex and the stuff people are really doing.

    Society is being made to reexamine what's considered normal these days; it's fighting tooth and nail to make sure that the standard way to have sex is the right way to do it... but it's fighting a losing battle.

    Thanks for writing about this!

  3. You know, you may in fact be correct. Of course it's not my intention to widen that gap, but to dispel the myth around it. Perhaps I should widen my term to include "If expressing your sexuality in a public fashion brings on unwanted stares, attention or threats from mainstream individuals". LOL It's really not a LOL, but lol like not really.

    Yes, society is being forced, (kicking and screaming) to reexamine the "norm" part of normal. BUT, I stand by it still being considered a fringe sex, because, of the per capita drift. I don't know the actual numbers but I still think that they are fairly far apart. Depending on which study you look at the percentages run something like 5 - 25% admit to an affinity for BDSM. Though I agree that this may have increased tremendously since the publication of FSOG.

    Regarding that, the people I've had the pleasure of speaking within the community are both pleased and terrified of the response FSOG and the scrutiny which has been forced upon their culture. Oh that reminds me, their culture is still considered a "sub culture" so I still believe that society, while working toward acceptance, we are still as a whole a far cry from being as accepting as we like to think we are. :(

    Today kicks off transgender awareness month and as part of my show I'm having a transgendered woman on (who I totally friend jumped) and as I was researching this topic, still every 72 hours a transgendered person dies of a hate crime and those statistics are shocking as in the well vented 1 in 12 will die from a hate crime. In contrast to 1 in 18,000 "normal" individuals. So as long as horrific statistics like this exist and only 13 states have adopted policies protecting these humans, I'm sure they, still feel a bit on the fringe of what is considered societal norm. Its really saddening to know that these PEOPLE (yes bossy caps again) are not protected, fairly, and equally. What's worse is that because of ignorance and hate they are targeted at all.

    BUT, that is a different topic and one I'll be getting into shortly. LOL (I meant that one) Honestly, I am loving this BDSM culture and the people I've gotten to meet. They are truly more accepting of my "oddness" that most others I know are of their. One individual has actually expressed that they have received death threats etc...

    Thank you for your comments. I'm sure we'll have fun as this expounds and expands. ;) And yes, stuffy brown suit guy and gal (society) is fighting a loosing battle. WHOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The fact that it's a battle at all baffles me, what really should it matter what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes? Craziness how people want to project their personal beliefs into our bedrooms. I need a sign that says " Beware Enter at your own risk" LOL

  4. Well, it is a bit of a numbers game, huh? Like with BDSM, there's no telling just how many people are into this as their favorite way to get off, just like there's no telling how many married people indulge as a "thing to do," something a little different than the good old missionary position.

    We should look at this as a change in the whole sexual dynamic and not so much nitpicking or using statistical analysis to get into exactly and precisely who is doing what, with who, and how. While people are still predominantly straight, even straight folks have their kinks; hell, there are straight people who have bisexual sex and maintain that they're straight (and some studies suggest that this can be true) so to say that having bisexual sex is a fringe act doesn't seem to be accurate - it's more of a subset of the whole sexual/sexuality thing.

    The societal norm is skewed and has been for a very long time. Unlike, say, back in the sexual revolution of the late 60's/early 70's, other ways to get one's cookies crumbled is a lot more visible, just like sexuality. Back in the day, there were gay men and women - there have always been gay men and women - but such things are no longer being kept locked up in the closet.

    Therefore, society doesn't have much of a say in what's normal anymore, not like it used to because if it's not illegal, then it's normal. It doesn't surprise me that anything that isn't boy/girl/straight/married/monogamous is seen as being on the fringe... because that's where the heteronormative faction would like it to be - but the truth is something entirely different.

    Because even those folks indulge in sex that has little to do with perpetuation of the species so, what, if they get their kink on, that's normal... but for everyone else it isn't?

  5. It is a change and WHOOOHOOOO for change. Without it we'd all still be, well, I don't know exactly, but not where we are today if it weren't for change. Sexuality is as individual as the participants involved. Closets are being flung wide open and torn down in record numbers and these are closets of all sorts of sexual orientations and kink.

    I do applaud those members of society who are non judgmental on what people do in their sexual lives. I've always held to the notion that unless I'm involved its none of my business. If I want to do something I damn sure don't need anyone telling me whether or not I can, because if it doesn't affect them, then it's none of their business.

    Our society is liquid, it changes, it moves and it flows and the best analogy I can come up with is that no matter how many stones are in the way, they all get worn into pebbles because no matter how hard they try they cannot stand up against a relentless flow of the water.

    I was doing some research on sexuality in ancient society and was tickled pink to see that there were existing vases from the Greek culture that depicted not only lesbianism, homosexuality but the use of implements such as wooden dildos and such. There was no shame placed on sexuality, people were more accepting then than they are now. It wasn't until the Victorian era and some religious influence that view of sex being "bad" and certain acts considered "against G_d".

    I think by trying to control the sexuality of the people they attempted to control the masses. We are still coming out of that mindset and that is nothing short of fabulous! I think this is why I'm having such fun doing these segments! It's important to dispel the myth in lieu of the truth and hopefully offer up some glimmer of hope to those who are struggling.