Monday, November 5, 2012

Today in my search

I was lucky enough to stumble across some pages dedicated to noobs to the BDSM community. (yippeee me) Ironically, they appear to be written by the Dom, the Sadist or the Top. (I still don't really know what a Top is, I've an idea though)

On the surface, it would appear that these are the givers to their receivers. That they would most benefit from a noobie they could take and "train" how they pleased. The majority of these articles, (I'll post em in a minute keep your panties on), are written as words of caution to the noobs to not fall prey to "unethical" practitioners.

I think a large part of the non BDSM of society sees these individuals as predators and without ethics. But from my reading, I see them as taking as stance against predatory actions, adding a sense of structure and quite a bit of credibility to their lifestyle. It's ironic to me because these individuals are seen often (by non-practitioners) as abusive, controlling, domineering etc... So to see these "types" issuing words of caution is quite contrary to initial belief.

Don't get me wrong, I've been spanked a few times and my first spanking came when I was 6 or 7 and my mother got out the dreaded belt. My older brother, who was 16 or 17 loves to tell the story. I had done some terrible thing and my mother bent me over the bed and in one fell swoop and crack the belt made such an impression I was across the bed like superman jumping a tall buildings in a single bound. Of the hundreds of family get togethers when the story is told (over and over again) apparently I peeked over the mattress and asked my brother "What was that?" After his fit of laughter he explained that "That, was a spanking". I don't have fond memories of that nor any of the ones to follow, and a severe aversion to pain.

I don't even like for butterflies to land on me cause it skeeves me out their little straw like proboscis and their sharp little bitty sticky feet attaching themselves to my skin. *shudders* I once slammed the car door on my thumb, because I was too concerned with getting off me the creepy little grasshopper that had landed on my leg that I forgot to move my hand as I was doing the "get it off getitoff GETITOFF don't let it get in the car" slamming the door dance. I know I have issues, so anyway.

I bring this up because regardless of this aversion to pain, suffering, bugs, and other creepy things I still find this community to be fascinating. It might be the level of rules and control they exhibit. I found on the CEPE page, it's a group in my area, a BDSM checklist of 200 questions. 200 freaking questions AND they clearly state that there will be more as required by the individual couple. Now, I'm thinking "there are an awful lot of rules" in addition to limits, hard limits and off-limits.

Then I think, how many times do "vanilla" couples have such an in-depth discussions of sexual likes, dislikes and don't even dream about its? The comparison is impossible. The only similarities I can see so far, is the penis to VaJayJay and/or anus for most hetro couples as well as mutual love and respect. (I'd really like to discuss straight vanilla which my understanding is no kink but anyhoo)

So before the onslaught of judgy pant people start, I'll just put my two cents in right now. Do Not Assume that you know the right way to show love and respect between all people. Listen, "your way" is NOT the only right way. K? K! Oh and if your blood pressure is rising from anger or disgust, you might want to stop reading cause it will only get worse. Toodles, see you when this segment is finished. :D Aaaaaaaand moving on...

So back to what I was thinking before I so rudely interrupted myself. This link CEPE Checklist has 200 various questions regarding different "kink" that a couple discusses, marks off etc...

I like the communication aspect of this. It's safer than the "Ya wanna get it on?" where the only discussed rule is to condom or not to condom. Seriously??!!??!! WTF? How are we vanillas missing this very basic form of intimacy? There is apparently a huge amount of preparation prior to the act, and a respect that is honestly, quite amazing to me. I've suggested in the past that we do a sexy letter day, or a weekly wish list with our partners regarding sex. These practitioners, actually perform this on a regular basis and stick to it. No slip ups or excuses. They acknowledge that what they prefer might be considered out of the ordinary and respectfully request permission.

Again, communication is such a huge aspect of intimacy and most of the couples I've spoken to find they are lacking in these areas. He or She doesn't know how or feel comfortable discussing sex, sexual fantasies, what feels good etc... so they rather quickly find that their sexual life and appetites begin to falter if not fall off completely. Yet depending on which study you look at, practitioners of BDSM show a markedly higher percentage of overall sexual satisfaction. So again, it's my belief that due to the extent of communication, in addition to actively pursuing their sexual pleasures within the "accepted" parameters of their sexual relationship, attributes immensely to this higher sexual satisfaction rate.

Now on to Permission? WTF. This entire experience is turning out to be quite the opposite of what I "saw" from the outside looking in. The Doms, Sadists and Tops have to get permission from their counterparts. This is not what one would initially see at first, second or 957,425,543.3 look. I think what most people of the "nilla" type see is abuse, degradation, etc... when in actuality, it's the receiver who elicits complete control. EDIT: There is a negotiation, so the parameters of the sexual interactions are pre-agreed upon. It's counterintuitive to those of us who are peeking in.

When you think of a scene in FSOG, any of them pretty much, or when you "accidentally" type in BDSM to your browser and stumble across some BDSM erotica. You, if you're a vanilla type, might initially see some poor woman or man being abused by a domineering, controlling ass hat. Yet, it's that poor little man or woman who have in part with their partner who have developed the parameters of acceptable, willing and "not gonna happen, ever". They like it and they hold to account their partner. They willingly give their consent to relinquish their own personal power of choice to their partner. (power-play more to follow, when I say so. :D) They have a say in what is or isn't allowed, they have a "safe word" that they are able to use at any time to cease the activity.

Unless we are discussing a Master/slave relationship. (Again more to come on this at a later date) This is yet another topic that will be followed up on. I so was not kidding about the intricacies of this particular sexual lifestyle and its practitioners. There is a huge amount of information out there, that is both interesting and I'll admit, a little intimidating. *still not sceered* ;)

A common practice called "aftercare" is also considered and outlined in their sexual communications. What is aftercare? It's where the couple spends time re-connecting and bond. Yes, bond and this is, in most practitioners lives, a requirement not a suggestion. Aftercare is after a "scene" is completed they engage in activities meant to create a bond and closeness. It's intimacy after the O!

How many times have us vanilla's complained that after sex, it's nappy time for him or her, and we want to cuddle? I'll go more into this in a later submission (hehe I got it in here neeeeneeeerrrrrr neeeeeeneeeerrrrrr) Because it's important and a lesson we can incorporate into our sex lives as non-practitioners of BDSM. Again I find myself trying to compare these practices with the more traditional sex components and it's a struggle. While there is no right or wrong way to have sex, there are certain aspect of the act that increase our bond to our partners, our level of intimacy and even boost our moods. I'm so keeping a cheat sheet going on what portions of the lifestyle I want incorporated into my own sex life, what I'm willing to explore and what would be a hard limit for me. I think it would be great fun to check out that CEPE activities list to start a discussion with my honey. :D

Back to my original point. These articles often are directed to "noobs" to give them a check list of both red-flags (no gos), what to expect and what not to tolerate. They clearly outline what is considered predatory and unethical. So here are a few examples.

Identifying Predatory Behaviour

When the unethical meet the unprepared

Risk Management

Dangerous Webmasters in BDSM

These again are written it seems to me to protect us nosey newbies and those people who have decided to dabble. These experienced practitioners know, understand and take measures to minimize risk to their partners physical, mental and emotional health. They, it appears, wish to ensure that people who are experimenting aren't being taken advantage of or abused. Which again is counter intuitive at first glance to this lifestyle.

There is something about the power exchange that is amazing to me. I can get it, on a submissive (I think) level. After 15 to 18 hours of work each day, managing the house, my business, my husband's business and being responsible for everything in our world it gets tiring. Decisions that require lightning fast responses then the constant questioning of ones self regarding those decisions. I have to think that at least sometime it might be nice to have at the least my sexual responsibilities and decisions made by someone else. I think of the freedom I might have to think of other things and explore a creative aspect rather than be bogged down at all times by the 101,498,384 responsibilities and decisions that go with waking up in the morning.

My understanding of the real underlying tenant of these relationships is trust and structure, in my rather loose grasp of the topic. How much trust can you place in another human being? (who naturally make mistakes, sorry we all do) How do you get in that head space that just allows you to be? I just don't know that answer. I'm one of those people who have a very high flight or fight response. I take only calculated risks and find that when something isn't just right, I have to make it so. There are certain things that I am simply compelled to do to provide a level of protection for my home and family. So while I can get it, I just don't know if I can get into it.

Now my comments here are just a tidbit of the actuality of what is the BDSM community. It's a tiny fraction of what there is to learn and only my take on what information I have gained so far. I thought I would just update where we are today. I'm interested to see where this takes me and how these entries develop.

So until next time, stay safe, stay sexy and as always...

Stay Curvy


  1. Hey Curvy in the world of sexual kink the terms "Top and Bottom" is predominatiely used in the to be politically correct the transgendered community more specifically, the dominate in a homosexual relationship and their partner being the bottom. Since your going into the realm might as well just put it all out their on the top. No pun intended or was it ,:-) , never know with my wicked mind. Hit me up on the teleie when you get a chance

  2. The terms 'top and bottom' have been used in the kink world to my certain knowledge for at least the past 15 - 20 years to denote the dom or sub party in play without necessarily assigning dominant or submissive roles. That is as a way of describing the role when engaged in the kink activity that do not assign specific general roles outside of what they're doing at the time. They may enjoy both roles (switch) or just be playing for fun and not in a relationship way.

    Though the original terms may have come from the old leather gay community at some time this is little remembered generally in the kink community as they've been in such widespread general use for such a long time that they've lost that association.

    They are used particularly because the do not specifically assign dominant or submissive to the individual.

  3. Hi Curvy
    I just wanted to make a couple of comments about relationships with people who are dom/sub/kinky.

    The thing about good relationships is that they're all I think, partnerships. I often see the mistaken beliefs either that the dom is a heartless abuser and the sub his victim, or the equally mistaken one that the sub controls everything.

    So who has control? Both!

    Both have to agree to their activities, both engage in them together, both are responsible for their actions and to communicate. Both can say no, both can walk away if it's not working.

    A relationship that does not fulfil both parties needs is one that I think is doomed to fail.

    These are real world relationships I'm talking about, sometimes people are seduced by or try to live a fantasy. If you try to live an unrealistic fantasy that does not acknowledge the humanity and needs of both parties that's pretty much a recipe for disaster from the word go. The 'popular' current '50 shades' type of view of dom sub relationships is nothing like any real long term relationship I can think of.

    Good relationships work because each partner brings something different to the relationship, something that fits with the other partner. Sometimes (but not always) these qualities are opposite or complimentary. They if you like 'fit together'. And as the word partnership implies, or at least should imply... both parts are equally important and equally responsible.

  4. Thanks Time! Hey we need to chat when I catch my breath. :D I'll give ya a ring later this week.

  5. Thank you Wykd Dave! I appreciate the clarification and agree, though I should edit my post to reflect that it is a mutual agreement for mutual gratification!

    I have found that the world of kink is actually quite liberating! The conversational aspect is really amazing to me, the level of intimate communication is wonderful and yes, I'll admit it a little fun. Ok fine, it's a lot of fun. :D

    Hey, you might know I have a blog radio broadcast coming up, I'm still needing a willing participant. You interested???

    Oh and seriously, I loved your blog so much. I think you have provided a huge amount of information and a great way for us to distinguish between play time and run away time. There really is a huge difference between a predator and a play mate.

    Thank you!