Hi there kinksters! I hope you all survived the holiday season relatively unmarred. Or at least have some great stories as to where you got the new scars!
2013 is so far starting out pretty well for us as we had our first KinkEnd show on Friday, check it out here! KinkEnd is a weekly show where Curvy and myself talk about different aspects of kink culture and BDSM. Last week's show was an introduction to Power Exchange.
Power exchange is one of those terms that if heard out of context can mean so many different things to so many different people but in terms of kink culture it is used to describe a relationship where one person holds a majority of the power. A good easy example is the D/s, or dominant/submissive, relationship where the Dominant partner has more power than the submissive does through mutual agreement.
There are any number of different types of power exchange relationships. There are no set rules or standards that need to be fulfilled to qualify. Some relationships are based on one person having virtually all of the power over the other(s) as would be seen in a Master/Mistress and slave relationship. Other relationships are more situational confining the exchange to only certain times or places such as a D/s couple that only takes place in the bedroom.
It may not be for everyone, but it's something that many people find to be sexy and worth trying out.
To learn more about Power Exchange relationships give the show a listen. We hope you enjoy it!
If you have any questions about Power Exchange let me know in the comment section below.
KinkEnd's next show is an Introduction to Sensation and Pain play. And I have to say, as a sadist I'm rather looking forward to this one! :D
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture,
alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel
free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.comdarr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our
best to answer them. You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure. Also be sure to check out our sister blog over on wordpress curviesmuses.com
Those of you that are interested in
reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to
reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
Showing posts with label ask a sadist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ask a sadist. Show all posts
Monday, January 7, 2013
Friday, December 21, 2012
BDSM and Aftercare
I wrote this essay earlier this year to help people understand that there's more to BDSM than just "slap and tickle" and SEX++. You can read more of my writings on our sister blog here at curviesmuses.com.
---------------------------
There is a mantra in the kinky corners of the world, “communication is key”. It’s actually one of the pillars of any relationship based in BDSM. Specifically it’s important to not just have communication but open and honest communication. A great many people, those both established and newish to the scene, may take this idea to mean that it is a way to tell people what you want. This is only half the reason open and honest communication is important. The other side of the coin is just as important, if not more so, since it deals with letting others know what you NEED.
There are times when it’s so easy to let your partner know what it is that you want from them. “Move here”, “Do this”, “hurt there”, “suck that”. It might be quite a breakthrough for many to get to that point and it should in no way be dismissed as wonderful, but when it comes to telling people what you need it can be a bit trickier.
Since “need” is such a primal influence on us it is also, by definition, a very personal thing and typically not something that is easy to share. Some of you will know and understand when I use the word “need”. You’ll understand that I’m not talking about how you “need” a cupcake or “need” a new pair of shoes. I’m talking about a need so base in yourself that you may not understand it yourself. A need to submit, to dominate, to hurt or be hurt or any number of other common (or hell, uncommon) needs.. You may not ever know WHY you have this need, but it is there regardless of what your mind thinks or does. That is a need that can be quite hard to convey to someone else, not just because it’s hard to wrap your mind around but also because it is so hard to put into words.
These needs are nothing to be ashamed of as I hope each of you understands. But that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to deal with in terms of communicating within relationships.
So we all try, to the best of our abilities, to be open and honest with our friends and partners about what it is that we NEED. Some of what we need spills out in conversations, some through negotiation. There will be times that your partner will guess at what you need so that you’ll never have to actually voice it aloud. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, you’ll have a partner that can just read your body or your mind and help you achieve what you need.
Then again, there will be times when you will have to state plainly what it is that you need.
For most people negotiating a scene can be fun, if somewhat clinical. It’s the start of something new and exciting! You’re going to be playing or scening with someone and allowing them to get close to you in a way that not many can. So maybe this is where you allow yourself to start talking about your needs. Take me for example; when I negotiate a scene I am sure to tell my scene partner that I NEED to be able to talk and joke with them during the scene. That is something that took me years to figure out that is very important to me, on a psychological level. I NEED to be able to talk to them and check in with how they are doing, so if I am not able to communicate with them during a scene I know that I WILL have a problem.
So in this time of talking and negotiating, of communicating openly and honestly, many people focus on their immediate needs. They focus on what they want and need to feel during the scene. That’s to be expected! Hell, encouraged!
The problem arises when we don’t look at our needs close enough to see what we will need afterwards. What will we need once the cuffs come off and the floggers are put away.
As some of you may know I was trained in BDSM and mentored under an Old Guard Master and his boy. I was taught so many things by these wonderful men. From how tos, to philosophies to phrases and more. But one thing I was taught that I have found serves me more than all the rest combined is “the scene is only over when everyone is safe”.
This was my first introduction to aftercare. Aftercare is the process of making sure that those involved in a scene are happy, healthy and safe after the “scene” ends.
As a top there are a number of things that I look to immediately after the physical scene ends. I look to be sure my partner is hydrated, water is best but anything non-alcoholic as needed. I make sure they are warm, either blankets, towels or even putting clothes on them. I make sure to TALK to them for a while after (unless they request quiet) to be sure they can think and speak as per normal. I make sure that I did not cross any boundaries, lines or limits with them and that they are unharmed. Obviously the situation may change from scene to scene and from partner to partner, but these are the things that I need to do for my own sake as well as for theirs.
That’s right. I NEED to do these things after a scene. I also NEED to talk to them over the next few days. To make sure that if they drop I am there to help in whatever way I can. There are other things I NEED in aftercare as well but the point is that these needs are no less important than my need to talk during a scene. In many ways my aftercare needs are MORE important because they make sure that I am able to play and scene again without fear of doing harm.
Some people think that when a scene is over, that’s it. Time to move on since everyone, hopefully, got their jollies. The problem is that if a scene went perfectly people’s needs were fulfilled in exciting and dynamic ways that can have lasting effects physically, emotionally and mentally. If a scene did NOT go perfectly. . . well, it’s almost a guarantee that there will be lasting effects.
Some people will need more aftercare than others. I know some people that negotiate hours of cuddling and talking after a physical scene is finished else they don’t play. I also know some that want to be left strictly alone for at LEAST 30 minutes to compose themselves and then just have a smoke and a smile. What people NEED to process a scene will obviously differ depending on the scene and the person. But what is important to remember is that these needs should never be forgotten nor overlooked.
So if you are new to BDSM take some time and think about not just what you want, but what you need to feel the way you want. Do NOT be afraid to ask for what you need, in a scene or after a scene. If you NEED to be bound and whipped, say so! If you NEED to be held and told that you were such a good sub afterwards, SAY SO! If you NEED to just hear that you’re still friends and get a pat on the rear, say so.
When dealing with the things that we do it becomes very important that need outweigh embarrassment. After all, we all NEED you to be safe so that we can all have fun!
-------------
I hope that I was able to answer the question, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these things.
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our best to answer them. You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure.
Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
---------------------------
There is a mantra in the kinky corners of the world, “communication is key”. It’s actually one of the pillars of any relationship based in BDSM. Specifically it’s important to not just have communication but open and honest communication. A great many people, those both established and newish to the scene, may take this idea to mean that it is a way to tell people what you want. This is only half the reason open and honest communication is important. The other side of the coin is just as important, if not more so, since it deals with letting others know what you NEED.
There are times when it’s so easy to let your partner know what it is that you want from them. “Move here”, “Do this”, “hurt there”, “suck that”. It might be quite a breakthrough for many to get to that point and it should in no way be dismissed as wonderful, but when it comes to telling people what you need it can be a bit trickier.
Since “need” is such a primal influence on us it is also, by definition, a very personal thing and typically not something that is easy to share. Some of you will know and understand when I use the word “need”. You’ll understand that I’m not talking about how you “need” a cupcake or “need” a new pair of shoes. I’m talking about a need so base in yourself that you may not understand it yourself. A need to submit, to dominate, to hurt or be hurt or any number of other common (or hell, uncommon) needs.. You may not ever know WHY you have this need, but it is there regardless of what your mind thinks or does. That is a need that can be quite hard to convey to someone else, not just because it’s hard to wrap your mind around but also because it is so hard to put into words.
These needs are nothing to be ashamed of as I hope each of you understands. But that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to deal with in terms of communicating within relationships.
So we all try, to the best of our abilities, to be open and honest with our friends and partners about what it is that we NEED. Some of what we need spills out in conversations, some through negotiation. There will be times that your partner will guess at what you need so that you’ll never have to actually voice it aloud. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, you’ll have a partner that can just read your body or your mind and help you achieve what you need.
Then again, there will be times when you will have to state plainly what it is that you need.
For most people negotiating a scene can be fun, if somewhat clinical. It’s the start of something new and exciting! You’re going to be playing or scening with someone and allowing them to get close to you in a way that not many can. So maybe this is where you allow yourself to start talking about your needs. Take me for example; when I negotiate a scene I am sure to tell my scene partner that I NEED to be able to talk and joke with them during the scene. That is something that took me years to figure out that is very important to me, on a psychological level. I NEED to be able to talk to them and check in with how they are doing, so if I am not able to communicate with them during a scene I know that I WILL have a problem.
So in this time of talking and negotiating, of communicating openly and honestly, many people focus on their immediate needs. They focus on what they want and need to feel during the scene. That’s to be expected! Hell, encouraged!
The problem arises when we don’t look at our needs close enough to see what we will need afterwards. What will we need once the cuffs come off and the floggers are put away.
As some of you may know I was trained in BDSM and mentored under an Old Guard Master and his boy. I was taught so many things by these wonderful men. From how tos, to philosophies to phrases and more. But one thing I was taught that I have found serves me more than all the rest combined is “the scene is only over when everyone is safe”.
This was my first introduction to aftercare. Aftercare is the process of making sure that those involved in a scene are happy, healthy and safe after the “scene” ends.
As a top there are a number of things that I look to immediately after the physical scene ends. I look to be sure my partner is hydrated, water is best but anything non-alcoholic as needed. I make sure they are warm, either blankets, towels or even putting clothes on them. I make sure to TALK to them for a while after (unless they request quiet) to be sure they can think and speak as per normal. I make sure that I did not cross any boundaries, lines or limits with them and that they are unharmed. Obviously the situation may change from scene to scene and from partner to partner, but these are the things that I need to do for my own sake as well as for theirs.
That’s right. I NEED to do these things after a scene. I also NEED to talk to them over the next few days. To make sure that if they drop I am there to help in whatever way I can. There are other things I NEED in aftercare as well but the point is that these needs are no less important than my need to talk during a scene. In many ways my aftercare needs are MORE important because they make sure that I am able to play and scene again without fear of doing harm.
Some people think that when a scene is over, that’s it. Time to move on since everyone, hopefully, got their jollies. The problem is that if a scene went perfectly people’s needs were fulfilled in exciting and dynamic ways that can have lasting effects physically, emotionally and mentally. If a scene did NOT go perfectly. . . well, it’s almost a guarantee that there will be lasting effects.
Some people will need more aftercare than others. I know some people that negotiate hours of cuddling and talking after a physical scene is finished else they don’t play. I also know some that want to be left strictly alone for at LEAST 30 minutes to compose themselves and then just have a smoke and a smile. What people NEED to process a scene will obviously differ depending on the scene and the person. But what is important to remember is that these needs should never be forgotten nor overlooked.
So if you are new to BDSM take some time and think about not just what you want, but what you need to feel the way you want. Do NOT be afraid to ask for what you need, in a scene or after a scene. If you NEED to be bound and whipped, say so! If you NEED to be held and told that you were such a good sub afterwards, SAY SO! If you NEED to just hear that you’re still friends and get a pat on the rear, say so.
When dealing with the things that we do it becomes very important that need outweigh embarrassment. After all, we all NEED you to be safe so that we can all have fun!
-------------
I hope that I was able to answer the question, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these things.
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our best to answer them. You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure.
Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
Monday, December 10, 2012
Enter the sadist. . .
Hi there folks! I'm Darr Syn. Recently I had the chance to chat with Curvy for over an hour and a half about kink and the BDSM world as a whole on her last radio show last Saturday. I know that I had a blast and was working hard to show people a more realistic side of sadism, but also give them the information that they’re looking for and answer their questions. Well, I think we were having way too much fun and left the audience wanting way too much. So I have signed on to guest blog for Curvy, presenting a kinky perspective and maybe write some articles answering those questions we didn’t have a chance to address in the show as well as any questions that crop up in the future.
One of the problems about discussing BDSM and kink with those not so familiar with it is that every conversation has to start with the basics. Anytime I start trying to educate someone about kink culture and my role as a sadist, I have to make sure that they understand the terms that I will be using; words like "sadist" , "dominant", and "scene". While this is important to be sure that everyone is on the same page and able to communicate in the same language, it doesn't leave much room for questions and answers beyond the mere basics. In fact Curvy and I received quite a few questions both during the show and directly after that we just didn't have the time to address on air.
But never let it be said that I intentionally leave people wanting more! After all, as I said on the show, I'm a sadist not an asshole.
So while there were a bunch of questions that I will get to over time, two questions specifically cropped up that I wanted to address in my initial post here. The questions deal with how I as a sadist deal with abuse. Specifically I was asked:
This is a topic that I think is really important. Not just to me as a sadist, but to me as a human.
The first question, though, was rather open ended as to how "abuse" is defined can change depending on context. If I'm grocery shopping and I see a parent refusing to buy their child a candy bar we can be pretty sure that at least the child is convinced they are the victim of abuse while the rest of us smile and go on with our day. Please don't get me wrong, though, I am not making light of abuse by any stretch of the imagination. I'm merely trying to put into context that the term "abuse" can be seen in a number of different ways. Hence I will be answering this question in a number of different ways.
As much as I wish I could say differently, I have witnessed physical abuse take place in public. From a guy getting rough with his girlfriend, to a wife breaking a bottle over her husband's head. I've also seen my fair share of bar fights, slap fights, hair pulling and plain old posturing push fights.
Being the person that I am, for better or worse, I have chosen almost every time to involve myself in these situations. I will try to stop things from getting too far out of control. Sometime I have just had to call the police where those involved can hear me, other times I will try and get between those getting physical. Regardless though I can never just stand aside and allow someone to be abused. My parents raised me better than that.
While I am a sexual sadist there's a world of difference between two (or more) consenting adults deciding to engage in pain play and two (or more) people deciding to harm one another.
Just because we're kinky doesn't mean we don't have rules. That's something I want everyone to understand. Abuse can, and does, happen within kink culture and BDSM communities. Anything from untrained tops harming their scene partners to unconsensual emotional and verbal abuse to plain physical abuse within a relationship. I won't get into how prevalent it may or may not be but sufficeth to say that the vanilla world hasn't cornered the market on bad relationships quite yet.
When I see those types of things going on in the BDSM community my reactions are, generally speaking, much the same. I get involved. If it is happening at a dungeon or a play party I immediately find a Dungeon Monitor and let them know about the situation. If I don't think there is time or things have gone too far already I will stop the scene myself and try to get help as soon as possible. I would much rather be rude in those situations than wrong.
Abuse within the BDSM community and kink culture needs to be taken seriously and not just brushed under the rug. It is NOT a normal thing and is NEVER acceptable.
If I wanted I could give you my standard answer of "I get involved" but when dealing with children, especially other people's children, things get a little trickier. But honestly, I would have to get involved. If I saw a child abusing an animal I would have to intervene. Physically if necessary.
Most young children do not have the mental facilities to make determinations between the gray levels of right and wrong that most adults develop over time. Sure it is absolutely possible that the child is a budding sexual sadist and doesn't know how to express what they are feeling, but it is just as likely (if not more so) that the child is acting out based on any number of different things in their life. Regardless of reason I think it is so very important that they learn that society will not tolerate this kind of action.
I would want to, first and foremost, put a stop to the abuse taking place. No animal, person, or being, deserves to be abused and it should stop as soon as possible. Only when the situation is in control would I attempt to determine the cause and reason behind the child's actions. I would also want to find the child's parents or guardians and be sure that they are aware of what has happened. I wouldn't assume that the child was a sadist like myself any more than I would jump to that conclusion when one first grader shoves another on the playground.
Just because I'm a sadist doesn't mean that I have a license to be an abusive jerk. That's not the way things work in the BDSM world or ANY world. No matter what your sexuality, your age, your gender, your background, or your mental facilities abuse is never acceptable. Period. There are too many support groups, organizations, people, and places that are out there to think that abuse is something to be put up with or ignored.
I hope that I was able to answer these questions, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these questions.
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: Curvy or myself and we'll do our best to answer them.
Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
One of the problems about discussing BDSM and kink with those not so familiar with it is that every conversation has to start with the basics. Anytime I start trying to educate someone about kink culture and my role as a sadist, I have to make sure that they understand the terms that I will be using; words like "sadist" , "dominant", and "scene". While this is important to be sure that everyone is on the same page and able to communicate in the same language, it doesn't leave much room for questions and answers beyond the mere basics. In fact Curvy and I received quite a few questions both during the show and directly after that we just didn't have the time to address on air.
But never let it be said that I intentionally leave people wanting more! After all, as I said on the show, I'm a sadist not an asshole.
So while there were a bunch of questions that I will get to over time, two questions specifically cropped up that I wanted to address in my initial post here. The questions deal with how I as a sadist deal with abuse. Specifically I was asked:
- If you see someone being abused, what do you do?
- If you see a kid abusing an animal, what do you do?
This is a topic that I think is really important. Not just to me as a sadist, but to me as a human.
The first question, though, was rather open ended as to how "abuse" is defined can change depending on context. If I'm grocery shopping and I see a parent refusing to buy their child a candy bar we can be pretty sure that at least the child is convinced they are the victim of abuse while the rest of us smile and go on with our day. Please don't get me wrong, though, I am not making light of abuse by any stretch of the imagination. I'm merely trying to put into context that the term "abuse" can be seen in a number of different ways. Hence I will be answering this question in a number of different ways.
Physical abuse in public
As much as I wish I could say differently, I have witnessed physical abuse take place in public. From a guy getting rough with his girlfriend, to a wife breaking a bottle over her husband's head. I've also seen my fair share of bar fights, slap fights, hair pulling and plain old posturing push fights.
Being the person that I am, for better or worse, I have chosen almost every time to involve myself in these situations. I will try to stop things from getting too far out of control. Sometime I have just had to call the police where those involved can hear me, other times I will try and get between those getting physical. Regardless though I can never just stand aside and allow someone to be abused. My parents raised me better than that.
While I am a sexual sadist there's a world of difference between two (or more) consenting adults deciding to engage in pain play and two (or more) people deciding to harm one another.
Physical abuse within the BDSM world
Just because we're kinky doesn't mean we don't have rules. That's something I want everyone to understand. Abuse can, and does, happen within kink culture and BDSM communities. Anything from untrained tops harming their scene partners to unconsensual emotional and verbal abuse to plain physical abuse within a relationship. I won't get into how prevalent it may or may not be but sufficeth to say that the vanilla world hasn't cornered the market on bad relationships quite yet.
When I see those types of things going on in the BDSM community my reactions are, generally speaking, much the same. I get involved. If it is happening at a dungeon or a play party I immediately find a Dungeon Monitor and let them know about the situation. If I don't think there is time or things have gone too far already I will stop the scene myself and try to get help as soon as possible. I would much rather be rude in those situations than wrong.
Abuse within the BDSM community and kink culture needs to be taken seriously and not just brushed under the rug. It is NOT a normal thing and is NEVER acceptable.
If you see a kid abusing an animal, what do you do?
If I wanted I could give you my standard answer of "I get involved" but when dealing with children, especially other people's children, things get a little trickier. But honestly, I would have to get involved. If I saw a child abusing an animal I would have to intervene. Physically if necessary.
Most young children do not have the mental facilities to make determinations between the gray levels of right and wrong that most adults develop over time. Sure it is absolutely possible that the child is a budding sexual sadist and doesn't know how to express what they are feeling, but it is just as likely (if not more so) that the child is acting out based on any number of different things in their life. Regardless of reason I think it is so very important that they learn that society will not tolerate this kind of action.
I would want to, first and foremost, put a stop to the abuse taking place. No animal, person, or being, deserves to be abused and it should stop as soon as possible. Only when the situation is in control would I attempt to determine the cause and reason behind the child's actions. I would also want to find the child's parents or guardians and be sure that they are aware of what has happened. I wouldn't assume that the child was a sadist like myself any more than I would jump to that conclusion when one first grader shoves another on the playground.
Being kinky isn't an excuse to be abusive
Just because I'm a sadist doesn't mean that I have a license to be an abusive jerk. That's not the way things work in the BDSM world or ANY world. No matter what your sexuality, your age, your gender, your background, or your mental facilities abuse is never acceptable. Period. There are too many support groups, organizations, people, and places that are out there to think that abuse is something to be put up with or ignored.
I hope that I was able to answer these questions, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these questions.
If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: Curvy or myself and we'll do our best to answer them.
Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.
Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!
DS
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