BDSM and Aftercare

I wrote this essay earlier this year to help people understand that there's more to BDSM than just "slap and tickle" and SEX++.  You can read more of my writings on our sister blog here at curviesmuses.com.

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There is a mantra in the kinky corners of the world, “communication is key”. It’s actually one of the pillars of any relationship based in BDSM. Specifically it’s important to not just have communication but open and honest communication. A great many people, those both established and newish to the scene, may take this idea to mean that it is a way to tell people what you want. This is only half the reason open and honest communication is important. The other side of the coin is just as important, if not more so, since it deals with letting others know what you NEED.

There are times when it’s so easy to let your partner know what it is that you want from them. “Move here”, “Do this”, “hurt there”, “suck that”. It might be quite a breakthrough for many to get to that point and it should in no way be dismissed as wonderful, but when it comes to telling people what you need it can be a bit trickier.

Since “need” is such a primal influence on us it is also, by definition, a very personal thing and typically not something that is easy to share. Some of you will know and understand when I use the word “need”. You’ll understand that I’m not talking about how you “need” a cupcake or “need” a new pair of shoes. I’m talking about a need so base in yourself that you may not understand it yourself. A need to submit, to dominate, to hurt or be hurt or any number of other common (or hell, uncommon) needs.. You may not ever know WHY you have this need, but it is there regardless of what your mind thinks or does. That is a need that can be quite hard to convey to someone else, not just because it’s hard to wrap your mind around but also because it is so hard to put into words.

These needs are nothing to be ashamed of as I hope each of you understands. But that doesn’t mean they’re any easier to deal with in terms of communicating within relationships.

So we all try, to the best of our abilities, to be open and honest with our friends and partners about what it is that we NEED. Some of what we need spills out in conversations, some through negotiation. There will be times that your partner will guess at what you need so that you’ll never have to actually voice it aloud. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, you’ll have a partner that can just read your body or your mind and help you achieve what you need.

Then again, there will be times when you will have to state plainly what it is that you need.

For most people negotiating a scene can be fun, if somewhat clinical. It’s the start of something new and exciting! You’re going to be playing or scening with someone and allowing them to get close to you in a way that not many can. So maybe this is where you allow yourself to start talking about your needs. Take me for example; when I negotiate a scene I am sure to tell my scene partner that I NEED to be able to talk and joke with them during the scene. That is something that took me years to figure out that is very important to me, on a psychological level. I NEED to be able to talk to them and check in with how they are doing, so if I am not able to communicate with them during a scene I know that I WILL have a problem.

So in this time of talking and negotiating, of communicating openly and honestly, many people focus on their immediate needs. They focus on what they want and need to feel during the scene. That’s to be expected! Hell, encouraged!

The problem arises when we don’t look at our needs close enough to see what we will need afterwards. What will we need once the cuffs come off and the floggers are put away.
As some of you may know I was trained in BDSM and mentored under an Old Guard Master and his boy. I was taught so many things by these wonderful men. From how tos, to philosophies to phrases and more. But one thing I was taught that I have found serves me more than all the rest combined is “the scene is only over when everyone is safe”.

This was my first introduction to aftercare. Aftercare is the process of making sure that those involved in a scene are happy, healthy and safe after the “scene” ends.

As a top there are a number of things that I look to immediately after the physical scene ends. I look to be sure my partner is hydrated, water is best but anything non-alcoholic as needed. I make sure they are warm, either blankets, towels or even putting clothes on them. I make sure to TALK to them for a while after (unless they request quiet) to be sure they can think and speak as per normal. I make sure that I did not cross any boundaries, lines or limits with them and that they are unharmed. Obviously the situation may change from scene to scene and from partner to partner, but these are the things that I need to do for my own sake as well as for theirs.

That’s right. I NEED to do these things after a scene. I also NEED to talk to them over the next few days. To make sure that if they drop I am there to help in whatever way I can. There are other things I NEED in aftercare as well but the point is that these needs are no less important than my need to talk during a scene. In many ways my aftercare needs are MORE important because they make sure that I am able to play and scene again without fear of doing harm.

Some people think that when a scene is over, that’s it. Time to move on since everyone, hopefully, got their jollies. The problem is that if a scene went perfectly people’s needs were fulfilled in exciting and dynamic ways that can have lasting effects physically, emotionally and mentally. If a scene did NOT go perfectly. . . well, it’s almost a guarantee that there will be lasting effects.

Some people will need more aftercare than others. I know some people that negotiate hours of cuddling and talking after a physical scene is finished else they don’t play. I also know some that want to be left strictly alone for at LEAST 30 minutes to compose themselves and then just have a smoke and a smile. What people NEED to process a scene will obviously differ depending on the scene and the person. But what is important to remember is that these needs should never be forgotten nor overlooked.

So if you are new to BDSM take some time and think about not just what you want, but what you need to feel the way you want. Do NOT be afraid to ask for what you need, in a scene or after a scene. If you NEED to be bound and whipped, say so! If you NEED to be held and told that you were such a good sub afterwards, SAY SO! If you NEED to just hear that you’re still friends and get a pat on the rear, say so.
When dealing with the things that we do it becomes very important that need outweigh embarrassment. After all, we all NEED you to be safe so that we can all have fun!

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I hope that I was able to answer the question, or at the very least give you some insight into how this sadist's mind deals with these things.

If you have questions about BDSM, kink culture, alternative sexuality, sadism or something specific for me please feel free to send them to: darr_syn@curvysaftermidnight.com and I'll do our best to answer them.  You can also send them to my new twitter account @darr_syn at your leisure.

Those of you that are interested in reading some of my older essays and writings you can head on over to reddit.com and see a listing on them here.

Until next time, kinksters, be safe and have fun!

DS

As if it weren't enough...

in January we are expanding our podcasts on blog talk radio! (hey I'm payin for it might as well use it!)

So our line up is as follows:

Romantic Wednesday: All you authors out there come chat with me about your work, published and upcoming books, ebooks, erotica, erotic poetry etc... Every Wednesday we'll be talking about some sexy read.

Sex Toy Thursday: We are working on gathering the most innovative, sexy, fun & functional sex toy manufacturers to talk about their toys. On the market or soon to be released. ( I ♥ sex toyzzzzzz )

It's the KinkEnd Fridays: Because a KinkEnd is so much more fun than a regular weekend. On Fridays we will be talking all things kinky! We are going to dig deep into topics such as Power Play, Pain Play, Bondage and Role Play as well as other forms of kink and how to get your kinky on.

Sex Talk Saturday: In January we are going to tackle some pretty hard-hitting topics like Sex after Sexual Trauma: Getting your sexy back! We'll be having on Montique of Zinity Fitness and talk about their performance enhancing exercise routine! We are also working on getting on live a Doctor to discuss some signs of sexual dysfunction, a Pharmacist to discuss sexual side-effects of some common pharmaceutical treatments and possibly, just maybe a super awesome holistic health practitioner to go over some alternative methods to deal with sexual issues.

Gonna be a busy year 2013, assuming I survive the zombies (IJS hehe)

To Dam or Not To Dam

Yes, that is the question. All too often the term safe sex is associated with drudgery and lack of spontaneity. However, if planning is such a big f'ing deal remember that you will still have to schedule your doctor appointments when you end up with that lovely sore on your upper lip. I'm just saying.

I have always suggested that ladies take some responsibility in this area. Carry with you some condoms in your purse or wallet. Do remember though that these do require some attention, that dusty, wrinkled, cracked thing you've had tucked away in your wallet for the last year or so is probably no good anymore. Toss it and get a package of fresh ones. While you're at it, grab a package of Dental Dams!!!!

Anyhoooo, on to the subject. Seems we've been lacking in some understanding. Safe sex includes safe Oral sex as well. Most people tend to think of this in a male perspective, if you wrap it you're safe. But what about for the guys and gals who love to perform Cunningulus or Anilingus? It might smell like roses and taste like strawberries but even so it might pack a punch that is not obvious. Dental Dams are a fun, tasty, safe treat for those awesome givers out there, and they cost a whole lot less than medical and dental visits.

What the hell is a "Dental Dam" some of you are asking, simply put it's a condom for the VaJayJay. It is a flat latex (generally) sheet that provides a barrier between the vagina & anus of the receiver and the mouth of the giver. You can find these in flavored and scented as well. Best of all, they are reasonably priced and fairly easy to find online. Google Dental Dam or check out www.curviesaftermidnight.com.

Use of a dental dam is much like use of a condom. When you unwrap it, check to make sure there are no holes, do NOT use if it appears to be cracked or brittle. Using one side only, cover the vulva and anus of the receiver and dive in holding the dental dam in place as you do so.

Some common do's and dont's:

Do Not reuse or share.
Do Not use Oil-Based Lubricants.
Do Not use lubes that are NOT water based or sticky near a woman's VaJayJay.
Do Not expose both sides to the VaJayJay. (one is for licking and one is for sticking)

Do protect yourself from HIV/AIDS and other STD's.
Do find Water-Based lubricants.
Do find some that taste good or are flavored.
Do use a new one every time.
Do keep some on hand. (Just in case)

So ladies and gentlemen if oral is a part of your sexual dexterity remember to keep on hand a condom for fellatio and a dental dam for cunningulus and anilingus. While no prophylactic is 100% effective 100% of the time: if used properly a Dental Dam can go a long way to protect against many sexually transmitted diseases as well as HIV/AIDS. Just remember if you like sex as much as I do and want to continue to have sex for years to come you have to take measures to protect yourself and your partner. Safe sex doesn't have to be prudish, boring or planned. If you are always prepared for anything, you can have everything!

Stay curvy!

XOXO